*‘My Recovery and Kitties’*Near the beginning of covid, my recovery cat of 16+ years, Sam, got the "can't pee" issue. He had surgery to remedy that and came home with brain damage. His behavior told me he was not comfortable anymore; his quality of life was no longer good. Over time CoDA helped me understand that my cat trusted me to take care of him. To feed him, give him water, a cat box, attention, to brush him, help him when he wasn't feeling well. And part of this is also to realize when the quality of li ...Continue Reading

“Becoming myself”I’m going through the steps. When I went through the descriptions and wrote down which ones impacted my life, I laughed and said, “I’m screwed.”But I have an idea of what I need to work on. I was able to leave a toxic relationship that I stayed way too long in, and I have found some peace and contentment in my life. One step at a time, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time is all I can deal with. Through CoDA, I am becoming myself. Thank you and my higher power for this program.&nb ...Continue Reading

“When I started to believe”I was raised by a narcissistic mother and married a narcissistic man. I was willing to change roles in my marriage. I was the breadwinner and he was the househusband. Despite having a masters in electrical engineering, he could not get a job in his field. The political climate and his nationality were the barriers. I had returned to school and gotten my nursing degree.I didn’t attempt to leave my emotionally abusive marriage until I witnessed my son imitating his father’s despicable behavior t ...Continue Reading

*A Weekly Reading* Higher Power for me is simply Truth. I have long been wondering what Higher Power means to me. I have feared that just leaving that to my inner pondering would lead to something covertly letting me off the hook. My patterns are deep and compulsive, influencing my thinking at least as much as my acting. How can I trust, then, a Higher Power of my own (flawed) understanding. Then I learned from a sacred book of a very foreign culture the statement, “There is but one God over all and that God is Tru ...Continue Reading

“Sanity is acceptance of human imperfection.”I am so grateful to CoDA.I had lived a life not understanding that not everyone has shame to their core.I had thought my childhood did not really harm me but had then spent my life trying to prove I am worthy.I thought if I can be perfect then maybe I can get rid of my shame.I had given my higher power to my abusive father and did not know this.A year ago I was “over fixing” someone else thinking I was being helpful when she said, "I think you maybe are codependent." ...Continue Reading

“The gift of experience, strength and hope”As I sit and reflect here in this moment, I do so as the most authentic version of myself that I have ever had the privilege of knowing.I found CoDA and myself in August 2019, following the encouragement of my therapist and at a point in my life where I had finally hit my rock bottom after 40 years of digging. It’s been over a year now and I can honestly say that the program and the fellowship have been an incredible blessing and continue to be in all ways possible. The black h ...Continue Reading

<F~RAG<Men-TatiON<‘‘Fragmentation: the process or state of breaking or being broken into small or separate parts.’’I was raised under strict, condemning circumstances, which were cold feelings and not a warm nurturing environment. I had to learn survival skills, just to get through a day in my nuclear family existence. Fear was my sidekick, and alertness was my precautionary superpower which was in high gear. When I was sleeping at night and throughout the day I would case the joint looking for potential situat ...Continue Reading

“A letter to myself”Hello, I would like to share an AHA moment when I was reviewing my notes. I am currently on Step Nine in CODA so I went back and reviewed Steps 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. In Step 8 it mentioned make Direct Amends to all people you have harmed. Of course, I naturally made an Amend to my Higher Power but then came the AHA moment. The person I needed to make amends to was ME! So I wrote a letter to myself. Hopefully, my letter will help someone in their journey of recovery:Dear Linda: You were very helpful in y ...Continue Reading

“*Entering CoDA has made me aware”*After being in an eight year long relationship, where we broke up and returned four times, it came to an end. From the first breakup I knew I couldn't live without him, I just remembered the good. We tried it three more times, we were even going to get married, but again my deepest fear came back. I no longer trusted him. I couldn't look him in the eye anymore. However, when I was alone, I would forget that and I would want to return to this pointless relationship. Entering CoDA has ma ...Continue Reading

My Lizard Brain ExistenceI am a grateful, slowly recovering Codependent.I first thought that I had a cat and a dog as pets. However, recently I have discovered a whole other type of a pet which is very different and very destructive one called my lizard brain.I have been learning from my CoDA meetings, sharing, listening to others, as well as through seeing therapists and self-motivated reading on my own that most of my decisions are based upon fear.Fear of rejection, ridicule, the unknown, discomfort, memories of past ...Continue Reading

“This journey of uncovering, discovering, and healing”From the outside looking in, my childhood was perfect. A mom, a dad, two kids, and a three car garage. As a family, we ran a second generation business and took a vacation at least once a year. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of friends who envied my life.My mom was the golden standard for polishing the appearances to the world, and no one ever really knew about her mental illness or my dad’s alcoholism. Being the baby of the family, I got the hint pretty e ...Continue Reading

*Keep Telling My Story* In my family of origin, keeping secrets was sometimes the “spoken” but more often the unspoken rule. My Dad was an addicted gambler and serial adulterer and Mom was an alcoholic. Yet such facts were hardly ever articulated and any verbalization of these truths resulted in knee-jerk reactions of denial, minimization and most of all, rage.              Consequently, throughout my childhood, I was never sure what was safe for me to say ...Continue Reading

*“I can be grateful and enjoy it”*I talked with my coworker today. She was frustrated because she had so much to do at work. I listened. "It sounds like today has been a tough day for you, " I said after she had finished talking. "I have to go back to work now." I left her office and returned to mine. As the day continued I kept thinking about my coworker's frustration and wondering how I could help. Should I speak to my boss? I asked myself. Because of CoDA I told myself, "No." I am not re ...Continue Reading

*“I can be grateful and enjoy it”*I talked with my coworker today. She was frustrated because she had so much to do at work. I listened. "It sounds like today has been a tough day for you, " I said after she had finished talking. "I have to go back to work now." I left her office and returned to mine. As the day continued I kept thinking about my coworker's frustration and wondering how I could help. Should I speak to my boss? I asked myself. Because of CoDA I told myself, "No." I am not re ...Continue Reading

*The Importance of Remaining Open*The other day while walking the dog with my husband, I was talking about my shutting down and isolating process. I was able to explain to him how it happened to me by following my codependent umbilical cord back to the beginning.Being raised in a strict, abusive household and learning early that I couldn’t trust anyone, I was forced to run away at the age of 14. On the streets, there were even more people posing as friends, teachers, doctors, and therapists. Over and over again, the oat ...Continue Reading

“Today I stopped!”It’s late or early, 1:00am, you decide. It always starts with a feeling in my gut that something isn’t right. I get anxious and I fight with myself and I give in! I grab my recovering addict husband’s phone and off I go on detective mode.At least that was what I would do but not today. Today was different. You might wonder... “What was she looking for?”I was looking for clues to the toxic story that is set to play on repeat in my mind—almost as if I’m collecting evidence against my husband. I always fi ...Continue Reading

Call For New Submissions! Have any of the Weekly Readings or Meetings-in-Print been helpful or thought-provoking for you?Please tell us how CoDA has impacted your life. Sharing your experience, strength and hope may help thousands of codependents still suffering. Everybody in CoDA has a recovery story to tell.Consider submitting your story and sharing your insight with other CoDA members! Email: wr@coda.orgSome Possible Topics: (Could include, but not limited to)1. Sharing Strength and Hope How CoDA and the 12 Step ...Continue Reading

Grieving My Losses I have grieved the loss of four parents, a baby daughter, a brother, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and many beloved pets. Each one was as difficult as the last.Since I have been in recovery and working hard and earnestly on my codependent issues, I’m suffering a different kind of loss now. Not only am I experiencing the death of myself and my core issues from early on faulty wiring, but each time I flex a new muscle that I didn’t know I had, I lose friends who I thought were firm and solid at ...Continue Reading

*Learning to Trust My Feelings* How can I trust my emotions, thoughts, and innermost feelings when everything is so saturated with codependency?How do I know if it’s live, or if it’s a seemingly endless recorded playback from something that was over 50 years ago? How do I trust myself again? How do I trust my thoughts?How do I know if it’s coming from my Higher Power, or from yet another angry and disgruntled core issue?How do I trust that a person is safe or unsafe when my triggers react to everyone as if they pos ...Continue Reading

10 Years ago, I was separated from my wife and children. I had recently decided to leave because I fell in love with someone else. Of course, I could not commit to my girlfriend either. I was a complete mess, saying and doing things that were completely erratic. I almost got fired from my job and everything that I had so tirelessly worked for began to unravel. I moved back in with my parents (I can’t tell you how difficult that was!), and was forced to evaluate my behavior. I found CoDA through a book and eventually too ...Continue Reading

NO RISK, NO REWARD A traumatic childhood forced me out of the nest at age 14. Being sheltered and the only girl in the family, I was told that anything I wanted, I could have my brothers once they were finished with it. My brother brought me a beaten-up boom box with duct tape around it. It was my salvation since I was always in my room on restriction. It got taken away, with the reasoning that while I was living under their roof, everything I thought was mine was in fact theirs. Once I understood that I wanted for ...Continue Reading

Good morning,I've been reading weekly readings and thinking about how codependency has run rampant in my life, and what I have done to heal.I was adopted by loving parents and my family, shortly after my birth. My mom grew up in a family that had abuse and dysfunction, so she had a difficult time raising me and helping me develop my emotional self. My dad grew up in a Polish Canadian immigrant family - he became an RCMP member and devoted 50 years to his profession. I revered my dad - he protected me when abuse came to ...Continue Reading

If I am going to do this, I must go all the way I have buried trauma from a very young age, and around 30 more years after that. I learned very early how to conceal and block anything my heart and mind couldn’t handle.A couple of years back, it erupted like an active volcano, destroying most everything I held sacred. My spirit shriveled up and died like a worm that didn’t make it back into the dirt before the sun’s full rise. I was in an alternate reality, which I had created myself. Nobody was getting in, and I wa ...Continue Reading

It all started growing up with an alcoholic mother and a father who left when I was 12 years old for another woman. I was left taking care of a mom who was emotionally abusive and I basically raised myself. The pain of abandonment was unbearable other times I just tried to survive. Eventually the alcohol took my mother's life. I was 28 years old. It was just another abandonment in my life. I felt that I could just not take any more pain. Fast forward to my adult life. I entered into a physically abusive relationship and ...Continue Reading

After more than 40 years of not understanding what was really "wrong" with me, I recently attended my first CODA meeting. After having experienced and been treated for depression, anxiety, headaches, anger, and substance abuse, it seems I've finally come "home" to the root of my problem--co-dependence. Thank you CODA for being available, and for the list of 28 common behavior patterns and attitudes in the "Am I Co-Dependent" brochure. I've never seen myself so clearly described in print bef ...Continue Reading

Hi, my name is Caryn, and I'm codependent. Additionally, my brain is a little different from most folks’ because I have a neurological condition that affects the way I feel, think, learn, and communicate. Just like my codependency, I've had this neurological condition my entire life, but I didn't know what it was until just a few years ago. I knew there was something “off” about me and I didn't fit in, I just didn't know what it was or what to do about it. I came to CoDA many years ago with a friend; listening to the r ...Continue Reading

On page 9 in our Co-Dependents Anonymous book, the second paragraph states: “Behaviors that may have served us well in our childhood are now causing our lives to deteriorate.”   After reading this I recalled that as a child I had to numb my sense of danger in order to get along with my sexually abusive dad. I was small and did not have a close relationship with my mother, and dad told me not to tell her of his sexual acts or she would be mad. Since dad was my main caretaker and mom did not act like she wanted me ...Continue Reading

*The Arrow* I love the analogy of an arrow: it has to be pulled backwards and then it lunges and propels forward giving direction. I didn’t “plan” to make all of these changes. But there was this incredible discovery of: “I need this.” I need to accept and care for all of me, to live my life armed with the knowledge from CoDA and to apply the knowledge to my life. As I read the 12 steps of CoDA, I got to the point currently where the 12 Steps are not just words or sentences. Every letter and word comes alive in my l ...Continue Reading

My CoDA Story We grew up in a chaotic household. I am the oldest of 9 kids and took care of my siblings. I recall being out of control when codependency ran my life. I was codependent with my mom and depended on her but she wasn’t dependable. I idolized my mom and thought I was proud of her for buying me lots of clothes, and being the center of attention. My codependency also manifested itself by taking on my mom's feelings and believing it. She used to say “it’s a fact”, when in fact she just acts on her feelings a ...Continue Reading

Hello, I just wanted to share that throughout my life I've struggled with codependency. I used to do things for others to make me feel better. It was so bad that I would give into my children out of guilt and remorse for the fact that I was an addict. After getting clean and sober and a lot of reading on codependency I realized how truly self centered I really was. Most of my choices and actions were made on the basis of “how will this make me feel?” I used to think: “oh, he's been through so much…” I instinctively kn ...Continue Reading

Keep Coming Back I’ve kept coming back to CoDA meetings, usually once or twice a week, for almost five years and most recently 3-4 times a week with the availability of online meetings. I’ve been inspired by others' shares, I’ve been vulnerable and received healing from shame and my codependent character defects. Countless times I’ve shown up and been able to encourage a friend or newcomer. Sometimes I’ve shown up and only one or two other people have shown up with me; these meetings are when I’ve deepened my relatio ...Continue Reading

Codependent ‘I’~solation – August 11, 2020 Being in isolation with another recovering co-dependent can be tricky at the best of times. Emotions get tangled and it’s hard to know what baggage belongs to whom? I sort through what could be my stuff, so I can take responsibility for my issues, and leave my husband’s to himself. For many years I have seen us as a highly functioning team. Being in CoDA has helped me see it for what it has been all along up to now. It’s been a pretty serious relationship of co-dependency, an ...Continue Reading

*Forgiving myself is very heavy lifting, and letting myself find happiness an endless daily pursuit.* My family life growing up was, in short, traumatizing. There were nine kids, an alcoholic father and uber-controlling, bible-thumping mother. Chaos reigned daily and fear of being beaten or chastised weaved through the fibers of my daily existence. At nine years old, I dreamt about my funeral continually, not knowing if I would physically survive, and if anyone would ever know I was missing. Fast forward to my adult ...Continue Reading

Tradition Nine Ever since I started doing service beyond attending meetings I have been puzzled by Tradition 9. “CoDA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.” What is “CoDA as such” and what isn’t? Recent experience has cleared some of the fog for me. Years ago I started doing service with a CoDA group doing work so demanding that we could not deal with organizational matters involving other parts of CoDA service. So our group made an ...Continue Reading

From Being Codependent to Being Sufficient I had the feeling of being always alone, even when surrounded by dozens of people, even when I had a long list of so-called “friends”, even when being a favorite of many people, and even when fulfilling all my responsibilities in a perfect manner. Then surfing around the internet one day I came across CoDA and read all about codependency. I got a sudden wave of shock and goosebumps all over my body; I am codependent. All the feelings of loneliness, of dissatisfaction with my ...Continue Reading

I write. It's therapeutic. I tell my story. It keeps getting better. I grew up in dysfunction. Heavy drinkers. Work addiction. Sexual abuse. Neglect. Religious fanaticism, which was mom's escape. I did a geographic, which quit working. I worked hard and that quit working. I repeated what I learned in dysfunctional family. Familiar. I was emotionally. spiritually, psychologically bankrupt. Doctor suggested treatment, where I learned about meetings, 12 simple steps. Thanks God. Did 90 meetings in 90 days. found a spon ...Continue Reading

My journey through service in CoDA has been bumpy but one of the greatest spiritual learning experiences of my life. I fell into a committee, attended a convention, and met people just like me from all around the world. I laughed and laughed and laughed, and inwardly cried and cried and cried, that I had come home to a family of wildly sensitive, intelligent, spiritual, wounded, suffering codependents, just like me. I spent a year serving on a committee without realizing that at the same time I had had a major breakd ...Continue Reading

 “I can only keep what I give back” I was born in 1962 to a single mother. My father had left for another state and I did not meet him until I was 2. He was an active alcoholic. My parents married and I had a childhood filled with active alcoholism accompanied with neglect and abuse. I went into foster care at the age of 13. I was told my father’s drinking was because I was a "bad kid”. Flash forward—I am now 58 years old. I got into recovery in my 20s with ACA. I learned that alcoholism/addiction is a dise ...Continue Reading

“Thanks” My cell phone rings. Usually an out of state area code. I usually answer "Are you calling CoDA?" Usually a timid female voice asks if our "classes" would help? Sure. I ask what's up? And listen for a bit. Then suggest they surf all over the website, including the characteristics. All too often they say they don't have a computer, or internet service. I go upstairs to my desktop, suggesting we go to www.coda.org. I help them find meetings and 1) suggest they go to a number of different me ...Continue Reading

*“Fear”* A CoDA friend called me this morning. His voice was strained. He apologized for calling, stumbling over his words, his voice thick. He said "...you don't understand. In my case, I'm alone..." and his voice broke. I did my best to comfort him. I said it is normal to be frightened--this is an unprecedented event, we are in uncharted territory. Nothing is the same anymore. Nothing like this has ever happened before. In 1918, influenza spread across the globe. But in 1918, we did not have air travel sh ...Continue Reading

*THE ENIGMA* I used to think that life was a random series of events with no rhyme or reason. Nothing made sense to me when I was growing up and there were many questions, but answers were few. White was black, straight was crooked, horizontal was vertical, but only on some days and that would be dependent on the moon and how it’s affecting the physical chemistry of its victims on any particular day. I thought that bad luck just happened to me no matter how much I tried to prevent it. Things— many abusive and dysfunc ...Continue Reading

*Came to believe* I joined CoDA about 14 years ago after I asked my husband to leave because he was a sex addict. I had two young children and had been devastated to finally recognize that his behaviors were getting so bad that we could not have him in our home. It was a painful time of  great uncertainty. Telling our kids that my ex was not treating me with the love and respect I needed was not all that helpful to them. When I went to my first meeting, I was afraid there would be homeless people and alcoholics! ...Continue Reading

RESIDENTIAL SOULS Sitting in my CoDA meeting I looked around at the circle of faces. No two expressions alike. There were half-smiles, intense brow furrowing like one gets when trying to absorb as much information as possible. “I love it here” I thought. Then I thought of an amusing analogy that all the people are like houses and within each house is a soul. Each soul is different, just as every house is decorated differently on the inside and outside. It reflects who we are on the inside. What I went through in my li ...Continue Reading

KEEP COMING BACK I thought I was cured and heading in the right direction in life. I did all the steps and the program fulfilled its promise. I found true serenity. But, I ventured off..... after no meetings for 3 years. When something is so ingrained as being co-dependent you don't just wake up one day cured after you: finish the steps with a sponsor, read all the literature, get a grip on your life and feel some relief. Not even if I practice the program for a few years and think I'm all better. No. I am not. One d ...Continue Reading

*Dream Resuscitation* Sitting by the window in the back seat of the car as my dad drove home from our friend's house in Germany was always a healing time for me. The German countryside was so beautiful and lush. Home was a place of constant fear for me, but when I was in the back seat of the car I could be anything I wanted to be. My spirit lived in the dense forests that rolled past my backseat window. I would jump from the car out of my heavy physical body and dance among the trees. I was free and happy and the anim ...Continue Reading

*EGGSHELLS* “Walking on eggshells” definition: 1) To be overly careful in dealing with a person or situation because they get angry or offended very easily. 2) To try very hard not to upset someone or something. 3) A metaphor that is often used when describing a feeling of being trapped by another’s will and our voice being silenced. When I was growing up, all of our family knew mostly when it was time to be “walking on eggshells” around my father. He was a volatile man and known for his scary rages that usually ende ...Continue Reading

Bowl Of Liquid Mindfulness My constant worrying and projected visions of impending doom have been robbing me of the now. Being in CoDA and working my program I am beginning to see progress, but of course, I want the changes to come quicker. I have always hated waiting and have always pretty much had a ‘git er done!’ type of demeanor. I realize that a solid foundation means that every brick is in place to help support all the others and possibly a few structures close by. However, the bottom line is I am impatient and ...Continue Reading

CoDA Reflections A dense fog covers the emerging daylight. No work, no church today. Life is happening at home. No travel. Feel uneasy going to the grocery store. Love the gas price, but no need for gas. Had a CoDA online meeting yesterday, instead of a planned CoDA Intergroup workshop. Principles are good, but people are upset, angry and irritated, even me. Humor helps, but tension is high. Business may close. Relatives in New York City are sick. I feel sick. I am hopeful for my recovery. The enemy of recovery is ...Continue Reading

And The Oscar For Best Actor Goes To: I think that abused people are the greatest actors of all. They have to be. They spend their whole lives trying to hide the pain, shame, and brokenness behind humor and a smile so people don’t know how defective they are. I am one of those people. I made jokes, did whatever it took to weave a web of kindness around others to distract them from the mistake that was me. Always on the verge of tears, teeth clenched into a forced smile as I performed my way into a dramatic ICU scene ...Continue Reading

The global and local phenomenon of the pandemic has provided me with some challenges and lots of food for thought. I am finding that there are two areas in particular—which I've had to work on a lot in my CoDA recovery journey of the last eight years—that are currently extra challenging to maintain but I feel extra important for me to maintain. Those areas are 1) boundaries and 2) moderating my tendency to catastrophize. Ironically, my physical immune system is important right now, but as I have been encountering peo ...Continue Reading

My Codependent Journey I had been drifting in and out of the realization of my codependency for many years. The day it hit home for me was in a relationship with someone I cared about deeply. My life became focused on this person in unhealthy ways. I began to be controlling, trying to fix things, fix him. I was judgmental, and very hurtful, then on the flip side, loving. An abundance of emotions began to surface that I could not understand. There was a lot of push and pull. I wanted to be close, but was afraid / guard ...Continue Reading

Pandemic The global and local phenomenon of the pandemic has provided me with some challenges and lots of food for thought. I am finding that there are two areas in particular—which I've had to work on a lot in my CoDA recovery journey of the last eight years—that are currently extra challenging to maintain but I feel extra important for me to maintain. Those areas are 1) boundaries and 2) moderating my tendency to catastrophize. Ironically, my physical immune system is important right now, but as I have been encoun ...Continue Reading

Are you ready to share your story and help another codependent find their experience, strength, and hope? Sharing your story is the greatest of all CoDA service work. Sometimes, somebody out there needs to hear exactly what you have to say. If you want or need to share your experience, strength and hope with others about how CoDA has helped you, then we welcome you to submit your story. If you believe as we do that the Weekly Reading is a valuable way to carry the message of recovery to the codependent who still suf ...Continue Reading

Winds of Resentment Wind whipping violently matches my mood tonight. Even a cloud floating by looks like an angry silhouette of a woman. My dog Redbow happily running around trees without a care in the world. Why can't I be more like Redbow? In time, I too can be happy, joyous and free. As I pray to my higher power the force of screaming winds whip and thrash leaves about in an ominous symphony of power. All this is what I am feeling inside me right now. It's my resentments. I pray for these emotions to be carried away ...Continue Reading

Holidays are a difficult time for me. When I was a child they were a joyous time, filled with gifts and good food. I understood that everything was provided by my parents, no Santa or God. My parents were my controllers. When I got married my husband became my controller; little by little and bit by bit, I lost myself. When we had children the holidays seemed okay to my codependent self. I was under the deception that if my husband made all the decisions everything was okay. I thought I had input but I'm not sure no ...Continue Reading

Kindness, and how it's misunderstood. Since I have been in CoDA my kindness is being met by all sorts of different responses and expectations and I must like myself enough to set boundaries when needed, but not in a mean way, or allowing the incident to cause me to withdraw and isolate. I need to learn to be ok with it no matter what, because changing from a caring to a hard, unkind person just isn't in me. I just don't want to allow these different events to disempower me and prompt me to retreat. So, learning to be ...Continue Reading

Relationship Bootcamp I isolated, never knowing how to deal with people in a healthy way. I was never shown or taught how. All I knew was how to communicate and deal with people in a manipulative, passive-aggressive way. Being on my own since the age of 14 it became a survival tool that I honed in order to get by. If I told people what they wanted to hear, worked hard and was honest and trustworthy, it would secure me a place in this world and help me gain friends and allies. But how can I be trustworthy if I'm manip ...Continue Reading

Pillow Talk I have been in CoDA for over a year now. My husband has been in CoDA for two years and he introduced it to me once I regained some health, dignity and strength after almost dying from abusing alcohol. I had never had a place where I could share my experience, strengths and hopes before. Nor did I think anyone wanted to hear about them. After more than 50 years of not being able to speak, to now be encouraged to speak in order to heal seems so foreign to me. “Suck it up. Get over it. Don't let people see ...Continue Reading

The Abyss. Over three years ago I knew I needed help. I was not making it. Everything hurt. Everything. Of course, I had a great smile to put on all of it, and I was sure that I would be able to push through by pleasing and charming others. I figured I was just simply not meeting the right people and that those around me did not fit the ticket. They no longer seemed to fill the abyss of a codependent that simply wanted to be told he is loved—wanted to be told he is loved, cared for, praised, needed and to be told that ...Continue Reading

Fear-Based Survival Fear has robbed me of fifty-three years. In the past, whenever bad things happened I developed coping mechanisms such as aloofness, isolation, astral and out-of-body travel, sarcasm and self-inflicted pain as ways to have control in my life. I honed these survival tools into strong weapons that I used on myself or anyone else who was a threat to my safety or well-being. They served me well in my teens and twenties but have become the very things that are preventing me from fully embracing life or m ...Continue Reading

Co-dependency Used To Rule My Life Co-dependency has ruled my life for 62 years. I was attached to someone, giving all I was and forgetting about my needs. I seemed to end up with takers that would take advantage of my kindness. I also thought that I wouldn't be loved if I didn't do for others. When love did not get returned I became depressed and did a lot of negative self talk. I really didn't know there was a type of living that was called co-dependent. I married a co-dependent and he was all about me and I revolve ...Continue Reading

B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S Being raised very strictly as a Southern Baptist military brat, my boundaries were set for me. They were cut and dried, and to cross one meant extreme punishment. Eventually even respecting these unreasonable and inconsistent boundaries led to excessive beatings, so the lines became obscured and life became even more stressful. I have never known how to have or respect boundaries for myself or others. The only boundaries I've ever experienced were built upon fear of consequences. Since I have been ...Continue Reading

The Secret Attic Throughout my life prior to CoDA I had a recurring nightmare where I was shocked to discover a hidden part of my house: a walled-off attic. This attic was so dilapidated that it threatened to destroy everything beneath it. Although I intellectually understood the dream's symbolism, it wasn't until my wife was in the Intensive Care Unit dying from alcoholism that the reality of this nightmare finally hit home. Due to workaholism, my codependent pattern of "walling off" and my enabling of her ...Continue Reading

Fear has robbed me of fifty-three years. In the past, whenever bad things happened I developed coping mechanisms such as aloofness, isolation, astral and out of body travel, sarcasm and self-inflicted pain as ways to have control in my life. I honed these survival tools into strong weapons that I used on myself or anyone else who was a threat to my safety or wellbeing. They served me well in my teens and twenties but have become the very things that are preventing me from fully embracing life or myself. You ask me who ...Continue Reading

In the past few days, I have had a number of women ask me why I have shaved my head. They have told me that they liked it or that they didn't like it; I actually don't care whether they like my shaved head or not. After a lifetime of very long hair, 'my glory,” and long, shapeless dresses and skirts (because wearing jeans was 'cross-dressing') it is a relief to be who I am: gay, codependent, old, woman, self-partnered. It is a relief to not be called a “witch”, “unsubmissive”, “out-of-order”, “rebellious”, “demonized ...Continue Reading

But....I Joined CoDA To Stop Myself From Doing Too Much! (Excerpted From A Longer Article) I believe this issue is one of the reasons we've had so much trouble attracting new intergroup members. First, we do not encourage new comers to CoDA to join intergroup, there is much service to be done at the meeting level! But once one has 6 months - 1 year (depending on the person) service on a larger scale can be a wonderful opportunity to grow in CoDA. I've personally found doing service to be a great way to learn to set b ...Continue Reading

WOW did I get some “hands-on” recovery at the airport after leaving the CoDA Convention! I made it through the airport fine UNTIL the TSA x-ray scanner detected something in my back pocket. I took out the paper and threw it out. TSA MASSAGE The TSA Agent informed me that he would need to inspect me physically. Normally I’m okay with a “TSA massage” when it’s my shoulders and back, but when he informed he was going to be patting down my buttocks and GROIN I felt UNCOMFORTABLE, but instead of being quiet and co-depe ...Continue Reading

I took the dog out to relieve himself before bed and while gazing up at the clouds in the night sky I could see the moon behind them struggling to peek out. Staring at the beauty of it, I stood motionless with my flashlight in hand thinking about how I was like that moon struggling to shine above my spiritual stagnation and move towards higher transformative vibrations. All my life I have been like that struggling moon, enduring clouded visions and unrealistic expectations. What I see is just my perception of reality. ...Continue Reading

A week after our one-year anniversary, my boyfriend told me about his porn addiction. It was definitely a shock, and I was angry at him that he kept it from me for so long and angry at myself that I didn't see the signs. My mom was a recovering alcoholic, my sister a recovering drug addict, and my brother a suspected alcoholic. And with all this family history, I should have seen the signs, or so I thought. And I also thought I knew how to deal with this new information. I mean, my family dealt with it, so shouldn't I ...Continue Reading

A week after our one-year anniversary, my boyfriend told me about his porn addiction. It was definitely a shock, and I was angry at him that he kept it from me for so long and angry at myself that I didn't see the signs. My mom was a recovering alcoholic, my sister a recovering drug addict, and my brother a suspected alcoholic. And with all this family history, I should have seen the signs, or so I thought. And I also thought I knew how to deal with this new information. I mean, my family dealt with it, so shouldn't I ...Continue Reading

Hi, my name is C. I’m sorry to say that I am responsible for hurting a member of this group, and I am deeply sorry I did that. My behavior has caused damage to our relationship. It will probably take good deal of time before this person would see me as someone she can count on, and that is a loss I can’t recover. In the past, I have been so sure of who I am, and who I am not. This assurance comes from my beliefs. I believe that if I say I am going to do something, then I need to follow through and do it. If I say I a ...Continue Reading

As a codependent who has been gradually letting old behaviors go for many years I find the term "character defect" offensive. I know that it is the lingo we use in this program. However, defect has a quality of blame or negativity about it that I no longer find useful. The codependent behaviors that I want to drop were at one time valuable behaviors that helped me to survive in a hostile environment as a child or young person. So I prefer to think of codependent behaviors as behaviors I no longer need to use ...Continue Reading

Here is my story: In October of 2009—after several hospitalizations—I was diagnosed with Severe Depression and Anxiety and admitted into the Intensive Outpatient Program at the hospital. I began working on my issues of depression and was told repeatedly that I was codependent. It was suggested that I attend CoDA meetings as well as therapy. I screwed up the courage, found a meeting and went. It was the third week of October. I got lost (I am also directionally challenged). I was tearful and upset when I knocked on t ...Continue Reading

Self-love Deficit Disorder Codependency and sex and love addiction appear to be related according to a prominent writer who wrote about these subjects. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I concur based on my own personal experience. I have gone to all the support groups that I felt appropriate: ACA, SLAA, S-Anon, and SA and now CoDA. I was involved with a sex addict, a narcissist, a codependent and other dysfunctional types of people. I think I have been around the block and then some. I arrived at the conclusion tha ...Continue Reading

*Loose rock, loose brick.* I've been in Codependents Anonymous for a little less time than I've been under a doctor’s care for cirrhosis. Not having proper tools to deal with problems in the past, not trusting anyone, not knowing how to ask for help and always thinking that it was just easier to do it myself led me down a path of desolation and despair. I would have one bad experience in a certain area and would I swear off whatever person, place or thing which I thought was responsible for the rest of my life. I thou ...Continue Reading

My journey with CoDA started three years ago when my life was falling apart. To be quite honest I only joined to keep my marriage together but once I saw that I needed help I knew that I was the one that I had to change and not my husband. I bought the CoDA book and sought out a sponsor and when things seemed like it couldn't get any better I called my sponsor and she worked it out with me (baby steps). She worked with me twice a week and slowly I started seeing changes in myself. I started believing in the process an ...Continue Reading

I came to CoDA at 26 after a tumultuous and devastating break-up (I had only barely begun to chip away at my denial involving my dysfunctional family and lonely childhood at this time). I was desperate for some relief, so I found a meeting in my town. I thought it would be a place where I could talk about how terrible my cheating partners were, or how my alcoholic mother was to blame for my difficulties in relationships. I felt I was simply a victim to these people and circumstances, and I wanted to be justified and co ...Continue Reading

I lost a friend to suicide this week, and even though it was devastating and upsetting it hasn't debilitated me and I can see the Higher Power and my program of Codependents Anonymous at work. I also lost a friend a couple years back who was like a daughter to me. The only way I knew to get through it was to numb it with alcohol. I abused alcohol so badly that I had to spend five months in the hospital fighting for my life. The past year and a half I have been abstinent from alcohol and have been getting stronger ever ...Continue Reading

I was unhappily married for 14 years. Since then, I never had a “real” or “normal” relationship. I was good with keeping things superficial but didn’t fully realize that this was a strategy for keeping safe. I could never allow anyone to see the REAL me—it simply wasn’t good enough! Finally, many years later, I set out to have a “legit” relationship. I felt so hopeful, but two failed relationships later, I found myself falling apart in every way when they ended. I was beside myself. I was left feeling broken and having ...Continue Reading

I have recently realized that my tardiness has to do with social anorexia, controlling patterns, selfishness, slothfulness, false pride, perfectionism and fear. It surprised me to see all those factors contributing to me being unable to arrive early to meetings. I recently decided to start an experiment where I leave early for meetings. I wanted to be useful and of service to participating fellow travelers. When I was leaving earlier than normal to make it to a meeting yesterday, I clearly felt fear arise in me. It w ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"New Freedom"/ MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group: [*]Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements there is plenty ...Continue Reading

*Owning My Power* I own my power when I am clear with my boundaries, when I take full responsibility for my part and don’t take any responsibility for someone else's part. I own my power when I use the words "I", "I want", "I will", "I can", "Will you help me with ...?" I own my power when I let go of someone and sincerely wish them all the best. I own my power when I say "No, I can't do it this way. How about doing it this other way?" I own my power w ...Continue Reading

*My Four Year Chip* I grew up in a less than nurturing family. My father was scary and abusive to all of us. Physically beating up my brothers and mother. And sexually abusing my older sister and me. My mother was very afraid of him. We all walked on eggshells living in fear about the next violent outburst, which was not often but very volatile. We did everything in our power to please him and not upset him. Relief came when they divorced when I was 10. My mother then went on to marry a military guy but drinking on w ...Continue Reading

Conventions and retreats with the larger CoDA fellowship have been a big part of strengthening my recovery over the years. It was at my first CoDA convention that I witnessed functional ways of dealing with conflict. I watched two workshop presenters who were preparing their presentation and struggling to be on the same page pause, say the serenity prayer together and start their conversation over. At conventions and retreats, I receive the gift of fellowship and an expanded understanding of the worldwide fellowship o ...Continue Reading

My Four Year Chip: I grew up in a less than nurturing family. My father was scary and abusive to all of us. Physically beating up my brothers and mother. And sexually abusing my older sister and me. My mother was very afraid of him. We all walked on eggshells living in fear about the next violent outburst, which was not often but very volatile. We did everything in our power to please him and not upset him. Relief came when they divorced when I was 10. My mother then went on to marry a military guy but drinking on wee ...Continue Reading

How the CoDA Twelve Steps Changed My Life. I am a new person thanks to the Twelve Steps for I understand the nature of my disease now. It is a spiritual disease and the Twelve Steps is a spiritual program, which is perfect to heal my ailment. My spiritual disease can only be healed by reconnecting me with a Higher Power. I understand now that nothing and no one can replace God. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. As a child I resented my father for drinking, bringing trash home, and ...Continue Reading

We don't need to do this anymore ! ! Having been raised in physically and mentally abusive environments I developed coping mechanisms to help me get by in life. For over 50 years I've used these tools and they became who I think I am as a person. If I remove them, then do I cease to exist? I've been working on my codependent issues in CoDA for six months and I've learned that they're nothing more than character defects. I need to pinpoint them and eradicate them. The problem is that these behaviors are ingrained so de ...Continue Reading

On a rooftop in India a couple of years ago, a man yelled at me over and over, "You're an abused woman.” I thought, "I am not. I know women who are: how they act, how they look, how they speak, just being so battered, and I am not." But the tears that ran through my body spoke their own truth. I had surrounded myself with housewives like myself for years, and I had given them advice, always thinking that I knew best. Over the years people have spoken to me as though I am a child, or called me "dear ...Continue Reading

Howdy, my name is Gayle and I am a grateful recovering codependent. I am sixty years old. My mom got pregnant with me when she was sixteen. My dad was 21 and they were mostly complete strangers when they were forced to get married. Two more children came quickly. I grew up as a caregiver for my siblings. I believe that this responsibility was the beginning of my co-dependency. I was raised in a family where my dad was a dry drunk, workaholic and a sex addict. My maternal grandfather was a pedophile whom I call the ra ...Continue Reading

We're writing today looking for CoDA members who would be interested in contributing to the Weekly Readings. We're looking for new material to send out for the Weekly Reading. We are especially looking for articles describing how the program helped you find recovery, happiness & serenity. We are also open to submissions that speak of the pain and struggle associated with recovering from Co-dependency. The format of the submission is left up to you. We may potentially accept any submission related to recovery. Sugg ...Continue Reading

I grew up in a family with secrets and dysfunction. Life has not been normal for me from as far back as I can remember. Too many childhood memories of trauma, confusion, loneliness and despair to count. Although therapy, self-help books and support from others has contributed so much to my self-care and healing, this 12-step program helps me where I am powerless, life is unmanageable, and I need to take accountability and responsibility for my life. It is a highly emotional yet deeply spiritual experience for me worki ...Continue Reading

I used to have this masochistic way of walking backwards with a blindfold on, to slither under fabricated comfort to attempt to alleviate the intensity of recovery. I’ve learned to just be more forgiving of myself. So what, I used to offer my love to the wrong person in overwhelming waves of desperation. But I’ve learned, nothing good ever came of it. I’ve been staring my co-dependency straight in the eyes, asking it one million questions, finding out its secrets, and weakening its strengths. Where did you come from? ...Continue Reading

Having codependent habits is discovered when pain comes to a boiling point. A transitional point where awareness of imbalance is felt so intensely that no return to that point is an option. The only option is to find balance and healing, to find a different way. Married too fast too young: I married at the age of 18, had my first child at 19. I had known my now ex-husband for a little over three months before we were married. I did not even know the man. He wanted a family and so did I. He was a handsome Air Force ma ...Continue Reading

' I LOVE YOU BUT...' Over the past 50 years most of my relationships have come with conditions. In order to be loved, I would have to change something about myself to make another person feel comfortable or happy. I would bend to their will desperate for love and approval. Nothing I did would yield the desired effect and it was never good enough or appreciated, So I would try harder to fit into the mold they wanted me to and many times I wound up being an extension of them. I would twist myself up this way and that tr ...Continue Reading

I spent the majority of my life trying to control everything I feared or deflect and distract myself from my fears and self loathing. I had lived in a dysfunctional household where trauma and neglect occurred on a daily basis. My mother was divorced with 5 children and we had an abusive father who abandoned us. He traumatized my 2 older sisters with sexual abuse and the rest of us with financial neglect. My mother endured and worked full-time while we struggled to live without much supervision. We were in a tiny 2 bed ...Continue Reading

The Four Magic Words of Recovery Magic for me are the words, “ouch”, “oops”, “help” and “no”. I don’t know where they came from. Like so much CoDA wisdom, that will probably always remain anonymous. Wherever they came from, they serve me well. “Ouch” is the first one because I have to start by paying attention to myself. Ignoring hurts is not ok, not only physically but also emotionally. It is not ok for me to be berated or talked over or dominated or even ignored. I have a right to be a respected part of any group ...Continue Reading

I have recently celebrated two years of continuously "showing up" for myself through the CoDA program. Before attending my first CoDA meeting, I felt extremely victimized by my relationships and the external world. I had no clue I had been giving all of my own choices and power over to other people—my close relationships especially. Growing up in a dysfunctional home where I felt deeply from childhood that my worth stemmed from my helpfulness and needlessness, I did not allow myself to get to know the real Ka ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Precious and Free"/ MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group: [*]Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements there is ...Continue Reading

I recently experienced a major shift. Before this shift, any little “attack” from my narcissistic husband or my adult children would be soooo painful it would send me spiraling down into hopeless despair because I thought I needed their love and approval. Their responses to me “defined” me as a person. Since this shift (through counseling and CoDA), it is like the attacks bounce off and I don’t feel the pain. Now I feel irritated and disgusted by the immaturity of the attacks. I am much more able to speak up, stand my ...Continue Reading

A year ago, self-destructive codependent patterns culminated in me nearly dying in the ICU from untreated alcoholism. While lying in that hospital bed I prayed for a second chance. After three months of hospitalization I was released clean, sober but without tools to cope with the core issues that led to these destructive behaviors. Then I found CoDA and was finally able to look at my past through a different lens. I began understanding the root causes of my codependent patterns and how they had impacted every aspect o ...Continue Reading