CoDA Weekly Reading Archives

CoDA Weekly Reading 5/7/19

May 7th 2019 PST

In my journey to sever my codependency, I've searched deep into who I was when I first married and now, 20 years later, broken and beautiful. I've learned the difference between trust and the benefit of doubt. For the longest time they were interchangeable in speech; I rarely gave either. I came from a family where trust was rare and self-preservation was necessary. Over the years I have learned to give the benefit of doubt but it is difficult, even to competent adults. It takes effort even after 40 years. I have lea ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/30/19

April 30th 2019 PST

I frequently return to Step 1. Although I have worked all my Steps during my years working my program, I find myself facing situations and people in my life that I am unable to control. In fact, it’s in my most intimate relationships where I find myself wanting to control the people who affect me daily. It’s in these relationships that I most frequently act out my codependent patterns and characteristics. That’s a given. These behaviors never disappear completely; instead I learn how to manage them. Of the many tools I ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/23/19

April 23rd 2019 PST

An Apology Is Not An Amends At least, that’s the way I have come to see it. I have always been uncomfortable with apologies but I have told myself that when I do wrong, I deserve the discomfort from making an apology. Nevertheless, growing more and more during my time in CoDA, I have felt apologies to be demeaning, not good. And in CoDA, I learn that making a mistake is not becoming a mistake, perhaps validating my discomfort with apologies. A mistake is something I did, not something I am. More and more, I have been ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/16/19

April 16th 2019 PST

Hello! I'm a codependent by birth! Always wanted other people's attention and love. I was addicted to candy and gum as a child. Would peel it off the ground and chew it! It was as if I needed something to push down my pain. I was sexually abused by my father's cousin at 3!! But I am such a strong person. Always have been. Defeated death many times. My favorite therapist said that I have the strongest spirit he's ever known. My base core problem is "looking for love in all the wrong places" remember that song? ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/9/19

April 9th 2019 PST

I'm Dan, I’m codependent and in recovery. I’m getting better and enjoying the promises coming as I walk through the steps with my co-sponsor and step study meetings. I get to share my story and listen to others like it. I learn to meditate (listen) and pray, play, journal, call other recovering friends, and sometimes answer calls and tell people about CoDA. We call it carrying the message as suggested in Step 12. Of all the service work I've done, sharing my experience strength and hope is the best, for me. Thanks, God ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/2/19

April 2nd 2019 PST

The Four Magic Words of Recovery That clever phrase in the title caught my eye. It was from a recent Weekly Reading and it was followed by a reference to Group Conscience, a part of CoDA I am particularly grateful for. Even with meetings and sponsors, my recovery is mostly interior, meeting attitude challenges one by one. The quiet satisfaction of that interior growth is surely gratifying but it doesn't seem enough for me. I need to give it away, somehow, to engage it with others. That is how the Twelfth Step was disc ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/26/19

March 26th 2019 PST

I had a CoDA miracle in my life last June, and for the past 6 months, I have been walking around in a pink cloud. I thought life was amazing, and everyone God brought into my life was there just for me. I guess it was like being born all over again and seeing life for the first time. Now the real hard work begins! Now I must start rebuilding my life. I will need boundaries, so my life is not too big or too small. I will need structure so it doesn't fall over, and I must build my life with thoughtfulness, serenity, lov ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/19/19

March 19th 2019 PST

I was abused from the age of 14. This is when I stopped growing emotionally and spiritually. I am now 57 years old and no longer feel a victim. My innocence had been taken from me physically and emotionally leaving my self esteem at rock bottom. I continued to have emotional rock bottoms until I found alcohol. To me, this gave me the courage to be me. I now know it wasn’t the real me. It took away my self hate and worthlessness. I drank 24 hours a day for 6 years, then I reached what I now understand to be my rock bo ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/12/19

March 12th 2019 PST

Even after initially discovering codependency and reading books that helped me slightly to detach, I never truly knew just how abusive my relationship was until I was recently arrested for domestic violence. Never in a million years did I imagine that I, an attractive, seemingly well put together, young petite woman would end up in jail for two nights, with a battery charge. My relationship was built on lies, manipulation, alcoholism, jealousy, violence—the opposite of the definition of love. I always knew this but i ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #11 Is Out

March 6th 2019 PST

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"I Can Climb Any Mountain"/. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group: [*]Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/5/19

March 5th 2019 PST

I’m still so very fragile. So vulnerable. So scared. All the while knowing that there is a God, that I cannot control others, only myself. I make so much ground only to slip back, wanting to save the very person who broke me over 25 years and 6 kids later. I entered this marriage tall and proud of myself and all the accomplishments I had made on my own. I knew how good I was. How kind I was. How I would take care of anyone because I was that strong and I could handle anything. This strength is also what took me down ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/26/19

February 26th 2019 PST

THE TWO DERIVATIVES OF AWARENESS Me as the Codependent Driver of my Disease Me as the Codependent Co-Navigator of my Disease And how I recognise and change both those Me’s to better drive and co-navigate my Codependent Car into Recovery! (phew, quite a mouthful) Just yesterday I was thinking, what’s that ONE thing which CoDA has given me which I didn’t possess before? It is the ability to UNDERSTAND my disease and understand how I used to blindly react to pain and fear and shame and guilt and fear of shame and ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Is Seeking New Members

February 22nd 2019 PST

Do you love reading? Do you benefit from hearing recovery stories? Do you love listening to the heartbeat of someone's writing? Do you have a knack for editing? Do you love helping someone make their voice heard? Are you drawn to doing service work, but are scared of what that might mean? We need you- Because being scared is normal and humble. Step out with HP and serve with us, as we grow in our own recovery while carrying the message to codependents who still suffer. Once a week the CoDA Co-NNections Committee sen ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/19/19

February 19th 2019 PST

This is my story about my two and a half months in CoDA. I call it "Walking Stride for Stride" Not so long ago I was down and out. I couldn't see clearly, my vision was in doubt. Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. See my mind would play tricks on me. Our eyes are the windows to our soul and without tears our rainbows would have no rainbows. Every day and night the hours just passed. My mind solely focusing on my past. I did not understand the pain inside me until that one Tuesday ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/12/19

February 12th 2019 PST

On my CoDA recovery journey I have learned new tools that I have been able to call upon when needed. One of those tools is writing a daily affirmation, which I share with an affirmation buddy. In this daily affirmation, I am aware of my internal responses to external circumstances and learn how to focus my attention on what I can control versus what I can't. This has given me a greater sense of serenity and peace on a day-by-day, step-by-step basis. I'd like to share my affirmation for today: This morning, I am aware ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/5/19

February 5th 2019 PST

The word codependency was introduced to me years ago after I had my first realization I couldn't control my life and those around me. I felt like I was losing my grasp on reality and reached out to my family and they took me to see a counselor the next day. I only saw this counselor once and left his office flustered and feeling resentful that it didn’t "help." He used the word codependency and it has lingered in my mind for the past decade. Shortly after this moment in my life, substance abuse became a mean ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/22/19

January 22nd 2019 PST

Self-esteem. It’s interesting to think about what that word means. How do I esteem myself? What do I think of who I am? For most of my life I let others make that decision for me. I was a people pleaser. I let what others thought of me define who I was. In recovery, I’m learning who I am. I am growing. I am more self-aware in knowing my strengths and my weaknesses. Because I am learning who God—my higher power—is and how I am loved just as I am. I can admit when I make a mistake, realizing I, myself, am not a mistak ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/15/19

January 15th 2019 PST

A Reflection about the Slogans */I practice gratitude. / I adopt an attitude of gratitude./* */In order to feel grateful, first I need to trust./* */In the morning, I decide what sort of day I am going to have./* */You can’t keep it if you don’t give it away. /* I had to spend several years working the CoDA program – at least five – before I began to understand what the subject of gratitude was all about and its importance to my recovery process. Since I came to the Twelve Steps a very damaged person – after 4 ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/8/19

January 8th 2019 PST

Today we have 3 short readings for you. I was well hidden in my codependent behaviors or at least I thought I was. I had to be better than everyone around me so that I wasn't overwhelmed with shame. I accomplished that by finding flaws in everyone and imagining myself to be a superior spiritual person. The distancing of this strategy was isolating and unsustainable. My first CoDA meeting gave me hope. My first sponsor gave me the steps and, along with weekly meetings and multiple step studies the CoDA program brought m ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/1/19

January 1st 2019 PST

I've been in CoDA for a long time (my first meeting was the last Wednesday in August 1992, LOL). I'll never forget when I entered that meeting and everyone shared their name. One woman said, "I'm __________, I'm a codependent and a compulsive addict." After one year of only partially fitting in with another 12 step program, I had found home. I've learned a lot of useful things in CoDA, moderation being one of the most important. Although 26+ years later I still have to work on that on a daily basis—sometime ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/24/18

December 24th 2018 PST

There was a time when the holidays were about lights, and candy, and wonder, and anticipation. We were *commanded* to be giddy over the religious overtones of the season. And to keep the codependent peace, we outwardly acquiesced. But in our hearts, it was really the toys and the big fat man – the true lord of childhood – that actually counted. Time elapsed, and like so many others, I was dismayed and disillusioned to find that our toy lord was just another fairytale sold to us by Corporate America. A mere concoction ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/11/18

December 11th 2018 PST

I sit in my office looking at the poster that I see every day, which says in big red and white letters: “Our company wants you to wear Personal Protective Equipment (PPE)”. The more I looked at this phrase the more I thought about my breakdown today that made me have to call my sister. The anxiety just started to build in me. I don't know where it came from and it set in fast. I started to drown. The only thing I could think of is that I didn't want it to go down like I know it could. I am at work for crying out loud. ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/04/18

December 4th 2018 PST

The Loss of Higher Power. When I came to CoDA I had an unspoken struggle with Higher Power. I lost Higher Power and it was the biggest loss of myself in life. Eventually I decided to pretend I believed in Higher Power, because I needed hope. I used to love the Silence. I would set my alarm for 3 am, get up, get on my prayer stool, and meditate. Afterwards writing would pour out of me. Discipline of the heart does not allow for electronic distraction. Recently I stayed with someone who was addicted to watching mo ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #10 Is Out

November 27th 2018 PST

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Fall Focus"/. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group: [*]Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements there is plent ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/26/18

November 27th 2018 PST

I walked into the rooms feeling tired of being tired. Thinking I have spent all I could to have a good life and it’s just not so. I was aware the man I was dating for eight years, on and off, was a drug to me and was killing me more than giving me any high. I wanted out but had no idea how or if I had the energy to do it. I tried before, only to return to the poison he gave me. I lived off being the victim. I can look back now knowing I enjoyed sharing my sorry life with others because it gave me validation. I lived ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/20/18

November 20th 2018 PST

At times over the last nine months of attending CoDA meetings, I have wondered whether this is really the right place for me. The stories I hear often recall times of such intense sexual, physical and emotional abuse, which I did not experience. I believe that scares some newcomers like myself away. However, the women (and men) that I have met in my two different meetings have listened to my shares and offered support that has made a huge difference in my life, and I am so grateful for that. I have become aware of my ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/13/18

November 13th 2018 PST

I was a hoarder. Because of my codependence I could not tell where I ended or began. I could not tell what beauty existed outside of me and what was within me. Therefore I could not throw out things of beauty in case they existed inside me and were important. But my husband could. Every time we went to throw out the accumulation of family life he would take something from me that I did not know was precious and that was the first thing to go to the dump. When my dancing medals and cups from my childhood dancing com ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/05/18

November 6th 2018 PST

I had called my wife codependent a thousand times. She filed a protection order against me because I called her a name. She used things I said or did over the course of our 10-year relationship and presented them as if they were one incident. It was a bad read. The judge agreed. I was without my son—through whom I have recognized and re-experienced my abandonment issues—for about 10 days. I went through drug-like withdrawal symptoms. It was during this time I had an eight-hour road trip and downloaded a book on codep ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/30/18

October 30th 2018 PST

Before CoDA, I felt numb and unable to express my needs, wants, desires and identity in any meaningful way. I hid my expressions to blend in and to keep the peace. In CoDA, I feel a new sense of purpose and emotion which has surprised me and at the same time delighted me. I notice how raw my poetry feels and also how my truth comes from a deep place. Thank you for this gift of expression, higher power, and keep it coming. My companions alone at night In the darkness, my only companions are my thoughts They are black ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/23/18

October 23rd 2018 PST

I came to CoDA at a time when I needed it most. I felt God had been preparing me to take this step so that I could heal. I have attended three meetings but have been listening to the CoDA steps on the internet daily and have been journaling regularly (I have done that all my life). While I was reading the steps the first time, I realised that a Higher Power was mentioned on each step. It became easy for me to start practising my religion more at a deeper level and not just out of habit or as a ritual. I started reciti ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/16/18

October 16th 2018 PST

Hi! My English isn’t so good because it’s my second language but anyway I will share my story. :) My parents were both alcoholics and my childhood passed in very sick circumstances. I was abused in many ways, not only mentally, emotionally and physically but also spiritually. When I was a child my parents often left me alone to do the household stuff instead of allowing me to go outside with my friends. If I didn’t finish cleaning, cooking, etc., before they come back home then I would get punched. It’s just a brief s ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/9/18

October 9th 2018 PST

My name is Mark and I am a codependent This week I relearned a valuable lesson. I want to focus on the relearning part. I wonder if working all 12 steps in CoDA will help me not to have to relearn basic truths that make me healthy. Well, either way I am gifted to be able to practice a healthy behavior all over again. As I was growing up I felt that I had to be funny and pleasing to everyone and agreeable. And a lot of that really was enjoyable. My sponsor or someone I can't remember told me that it is not wrong to ple ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/2/18

October 2nd 2018 PST

I used to drink with my boyfriend almost every other night. That was our main hobby, drinking. I felt I needed revenge on him so many times because he'd let his phone die and would go out drinking till almost the next day. Meanwhile I worried, cried, and broke up with him, only to return to the same cycle. I have forgiven an unbelievable amount of mistakes in this relationship as well as made an unbelievable amount of mistakes. I manipulated him as much as he has manipulated me. I recently sobered up a bit. After I ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/25/18

September 25th 2018 PST

Hello, I am presently in a caregiver situation with my mother. I am staying with her in her home. She is sick with weakness and aging problems. My relationship has been rocky from the start and I am remembering what it was like as a teenager at home and the reasons why I left early to make a life of my own. Nevertheless it has been a time to spend with mom and help with the burden of losing independence. CoDA has helped me through the process of letting go of the personal attacks of blame and victimhood that can ensue ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/18/18

September 17th 2018 PST

My Surrender and CODA’s Help to Accept the Things I Cannot Change We have a large family and I did not get a lot of attention as a child. I was a caregiver/babysitter for my sisters, a helper to mom and a “good girl”. I never knew that I could ask for what I needed or wanted. I did not think in those terms at all. There was a lot of bickering and arguing especially when my parents were drinking. My dad worked all the time. When he came home that is all the table talk was about. Work. Complaining about this and that. M ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/11/18

September 11th 2018 PST

Hello, My name is Laura and I am very codependent. I attended my first CoDA meeting about ten years ago. Stayed for a little while and came back two years ago. I had three relationships prior to CoDA that I now know were doomed because of my codependency (among other things). I gave everything I had in me and then some, thinking this is what you are supposed to do. When my partner(s) were unfaithful, I swallowed my pride and never missed a step. I wasn’t going anywhere—if anything, I became more loving. Basically the ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/4/18

September 4th 2018 PST

I am in my 7th year of recovery from codependency. I'd like to share some of the treasures I have received from my journey with the loving Higher Power of my own understanding. The gifts come through interaction with others and the awareness, acceptance, and change that result. Before recovery, I used to feel terrible and guilty when I triggered another person. I didn't know about doing a 4th step and checking in with myself to examine whether I had done something truly offensive. This 4th step is an important part of ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #9 Is Out

September 2nd 2018 PST

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Fall Focus"/. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group:  Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements there is plen ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/28/18

August 28th 2018 PST

I was introduced to CoDA when I was 22 years old. I was very thankful to realize I wasn't crazy and there was actually a name and a reason for my behavior and a group of wonderful people willing to share their stories and listen to mine! WOW! Not feeling isolated for the first time in my life was and continues to be the best feeling in the world. No more asking myself, "What's wrong with me?" Having a definition for my behavior, being able to listen to others with similar behavior patterns and life experience ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/21/18

August 20th 2018 PST

I came into the rooms of CoDA raising a white flag of surrender and desperate for help. I had lost my God, my Soul and Me. I wanted a new life and I had grown sick and tired of the old ways that no longer worked for me. I finally came to believe that change is possible if I looked for it in the rooms of CoDA and by working the 12 Steps. I saw others who discarded old, self-defeating life styles and were happy, joyous and free. * *I wanted what you had but I didn’t know how to get it. You told me, *“Keep* *Coming Back”* ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/14/18

August 14th 2018 PST

Many years back I'd written this statement to myself. I was in Rehab and we were asked to write down a thought or meditation for the day on the blackboard. Usually we'd just copy some statement from a book, but as usual I'd want to think I could express my own experience. It was a topic on Humility. I'd written: “Humility is to know you're broken, but you still love yourself.” I many times wonder why I associated humility with this. But somewhere somehow I know it makes sense to me. To be broken can be quite humbling. ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/7/18

August 7th 2018 PST

So how did I get here? Many years ago I was given clear signals (to me anyway) by my parents that I was unlovable and didn’t deserve to be cared for. I had two fairly functional alcoholic parents whose primary consideration was themselves. At one point, with my father being in the armed forces I had to be flown to Germany for bunion surgery. I was 9 years old. My dad dropped me off at the hospital the day we flew in and never came back until I was discharged two weeks later. The first several days weren’t bad but when ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 7/31/18

July 31st 2018 PST

When I was a schoolgirl I coped with some types of fear with physical acts of courage, such as shouting and charging two boys who were throwing rocks at a friend and me as we walked home from school. To an extent, rage fueled my action that day: rage at the idea of stoning anyone, at the helpless tears of my frightened friend and at the father of those boys, who stood watching their actions without comment and then scoffed when I asked how he could condone what the boys had done. Other types of fear, such as travel to ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 7/24/18

July 24th 2018 PST

I remember first being introduced to CoDA several years ago. I had recently gotten married after only knowing my boyfriend for six weeks. A week after we got married, my father died from an alcoholic-related heart attack. Then I learned that my new husband had relapsed on cocaine after years of sobriety. I had only been sober for a year and a half and cocaine had been my drug of choice. It felt like the world was crashing in all around me. As I began attending CoDA meetings regularly I was saddened at first to learn t ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 7/17/18

July 17th 2018 PST

When I look back at all the pain and suffering, it was my long relationship with self-destructive habits that created the prison that became my home. I only knew what I grew up with. That dysfunctional thinking brought on certain attitudes and actions that weren't so easy to toss aside when I first came into CoDA almost 22 years ago.   I lived with my parents instructions and they were filled with misconceptions and lies. Although they were living in their reality, I was trying to figure out my life with very litt ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 7/10/18

July 10th 2018 PST

My name is Liza and I am a recovering Codependent. I am grieving what I lost. I grew up with a very abusive domineering mother. All my childhood I was in survival mode and when I was 12 she ended up abandoning me. In my early twenties, despite being married to a loving dependable man, her abandonment caused me to live in fear of being abandoned. I did everything I could to control everything in my life. In doing so I was not able to live in the present. I ended up pursuing an education at any cost, I did not listen to ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 7/3/18

July 3rd 2018 PST

I just met a guy. He seems like a nice, intelligent person who has a job. I am afraid. He is not my type. I have to stop myself from putting myself down or jokingly denying his compliments. I don’t know how healthy relationships work. Is he being considerate or controlling when he gives me a napkin I didn’t ask for to mop up my coffee? Are his emails trying to keep me totally focused on him or is he just enjoying a new relationship? I don’t know. How am I supposed to act? Should I dress up or play it cool? Should I ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 6/26/18

June 26th 2018 PST

The Tree of Bullying The tree of bullying began inside me. I don't remember it consciously as a seed. But I knew I loved it, and I nourished its leaves, until it was a majestic tree. I used words to myself, like, "You should, you could shape up you must be ashamed aren't you afraid? why did you? who do you think you are?" Somehow people on the outside knew about my Tree of Bullying and they loved it. They used the same language to show that they loved me, as I loved myself. And I agreed with thei ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 6/19/18

June 19th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Hi everyone, My name is Peggy and I was diagnosed as a codependent about 9 years ago when I went into counselling to find out why my then-relationship with a much younger man was not working. I realised I was a caretaker rather than a partner and I left the relationship. I attended one meeting of Codependents Anonymous and decided "it was not for me" and I could do this myself, without anyone's he ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 6/12/18

June 12th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Long weekends are very hard. I feel the resistance to going to that family function that I hate - the one that is always the same and where I have to fit myself into a role that fits somebody else's expectation or the successful one that I had imagined myself to be in. How do others cope with the pain that I feel? Are others "normal" and I'm the weird one? Is this just my issue? I also feel that c ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 6/5/18

June 5th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) In CoDA meetings I found that some people triggered a strong reaction of anxiety and fear and I could not understand why. After one meeting, I thought about it and realised that there were people in my past that I needed to make peace with, and that meant making peace with myself. I wrote a letter, and found that I could explain how I needed to forgive myself for my extreme codependency and for giving over ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #8 Is Out

May 29th 2018 PST

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Spring Into Recovery"/. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group: [*]Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements there ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 5/29/18

May 29th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) I offer this experience of mine because I believe caregivers for Alzheimer's patients especially would find powerful support within the program of Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). There are both face-to-face, phone and online meetings listed at coda.org. I provide my story as evidence for what has enabled me to do my part--which was the major part--in caring for my sister Mary Lou. I could not have done it wi ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 5/22/18

May 22nd 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Hope/full in CoDA I've been on the ledge of hope/less and it's a grand sight to those who are fearless. I am not completely fearless or fear/less but, for what I know hopeless is not entirely me. This is because I still have hope things will work out, I hope that in time I will (slowly) make things better. The /less part is that part that feels insurmountable. The /less part of hope/less is the pain ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 5/15/18

May 15th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Today in CoDA I rid fear from my vocabulary. I choose to remove my armor. I stand... Unprotected and strong, Unguarded and self-assured, Vulnerable and courageous, Unweighted and lighter, Unburdened and lifted, Venerable and confident, Untouchable from within. - Michelle M. – 3/22/18 Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Committee Needs Members

May 8th 2018 PST

Do you enjoy the weekly recovery readings? Do you like carrying the message of recovery? Would you like to be a part of the Co-NNections committee? If you answered yes to the above questions, WE WANT YOU!!! The Co-NNections committee is currently looking for new members. Skills that would be helpful could include: Excitement & joy about codependency recovery Knowledge of the Traditions Strong writing and editing skills Available for occasional teleconferences Email & computer skills Our major focus is on ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 5/8/18

May 8th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) I was born into a dysfunctional family. As a child I witnessed domestic violence. After my parents divorced I witnessed my mother engage in strings of unhealthy love affairs. She is definitely codependent and to this day practicing dysfunctional behaviors. I've come to realize, stemming from my childhood, I always felt worthless. I remember my father once lined up my 3 siblings and self along a fireplace. H ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 5/1/18

May 1st 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) From the earliest I remember I have never felt safe inside myself, and I could not understand why. My father was brought up in one of the most exclusive sects in the world. When I was sixteen I had a religious experience and became 'saved'. My parents also had a religious experience, and our family became a preaching family. My father re-attached the legalism of his childhood to the new religion we embraced ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/24/18

April 24th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Every day was a chore for me. I set myself up for disappointment after disappointment. I couldn't say no. I just wanted to be loved. Finally the sun broke through. I began to realize that all I was going through was my choice. I can choose to be happy and complete. I don't have to feel guilty for doing and being myself. I'm loved and cared for by God and I am worthy. I have assets and I'm learning to utiliz ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/17/18

April 16th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) My share on the “In This Moment" 3/21 daily meditation: "I Enjoy Spring" Although the calendar says “Spring”, I wake to freezing temperatures and check the weather to set a time in the afternoon to walk my dog. Today’s CoDA meditation about spring flowers and warm days and pretty flowers really does not apply when winter weather is wreaking havoc with N’oreasterner storms slamming the East Co ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/10/18

April 10th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Self Care I will do nothing against the will of my heart. (xejn kontra qalbi) I will do everything to keep myself well in order not to have migraines. I will close the door. I will not communicate by cell phone, internet, conversation, with anyone who is toxic for me. I will not give opinions, or judgements about their lives. I will no longer listen to them. I refuse to rent out my soul and my energy t ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 4/3/18

April 3rd 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) *I'm in my fifteenth year in recovery in CoDA and twenty in all recovery. I got into recovery by first needing to address many decades of alcohol and drug use. However, in the process, I found that I was not attaining the "happy, joyous and free" promised by those fellowships. At first I allowed myself to believe the nonsense that I had somehow 'not worked the program right'. I had heard many of t ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #7 Is Out

April 2nd 2018 PST

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Transformation"/. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA group: [*]Welcome [*]Preamble [*]Twelve Steps [*]Twelve Traditions Along with these elements there is ple ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/27/18

March 27th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Step One We admit we are powerless over others and our lives have become unmanageable. Rockbottom. I hit Rockbottom at Christmas, and recognized it through reading a book I found at the Hospice Shop called "Codependence and Detachment". At sixty, I realised I had spent my life pleasing others, controlling, advising and guiding, putting off 'my own good' forever, trying to 'fix' the 'unfixable', ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/20/18

March 21st 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) I did not know what. I did not know. I thought I was responsible for everyone and everything. I thought I was responsible to fix people And one by one they happily lined up to dump their garbage. I stood patiently by...next please. The sadness was as thick as a blanket of snow. And quiet. Smothered and in darkness. So I sat alone in total confusion. I prayed and asked God to show me why. I belie ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/13/18

March 13th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) (going to coda meetings, learning to breathe) sometimes, the sadness that isn't mine is. i belong to it and it becomes my family for a night this is the wake that i never held all my life. now it is for me. I cannot hold all the sadness in my arms or walk through it because it is a wide and deep lake good for drowning, a strong and dark forest where children are frightened and lost a slow and sil ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 3/8/18

March 6th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) I never thought that I was recovered enough to submit my story as recovery seems to never totally stop. It just keeps getting better and better. I was raised in a very fundamentalist religion which I considered to be "just a bunch of rules I cannot obey". My parents took extreme pleasure in beating me with a belt whenever I broke one of their rules which were impossible to keep. It seemed to give ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/27/18

February 27th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Hi. My name is H.A. and I am in recovery for codependency. I'm from a large Irish-Catholic family. The dysfunction in my home was present for many years. It was because of MY CHOICES to these conditions that my behavior became codependent and alcoholic. It’s only since joining CoDA and learning the Patterns & Characteristics of codependency that I could identify these issues in my own life. We can't kn ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/20/18

February 20th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) So my name is Mark and I am a part of 4 or 5 different 12 step programs. One of my sponsors thinks I am neurotic for believing that playing video games is compulsive for me. But hey, my truth is my truth. And I have learned that over time from other codependents in recovery. I can become aware when another relationship, even a sponsor's, that is supposed to be helpful is becoming unhealthy because I'm aband ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/13/18

February 13th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) I'm happy to offer service to CODA recovery with a share on my experience, strength & hope in my recovery journey. In winter 2007 I was in my second consecutive treatment center for CODA issues when the counselor asked me to tell him about myself ...and I could not without relating me via my dad, brother, husband, children, work or volunteering !?! What was wrong with that? But honestly I was very uncom ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 2/8/18

February 6th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Although I do not consider myself an expert in codependence, and I am not far enough along in my program to be a sponsor, I still feel an obligation to reach out to others who are going through the same suffering and experiences that I went through, to share my own experience, strength and limited wisdom. One of the members of my Coda group is going through a difficult separation and divorce like I did, an ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/30/18

January 30th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) My name is Erik and I’m a codependent. I grew up as the oldest of five boys in Southern California. While my parents brought us up in a faith based home, there was much dysfunction in our household. My dad was, and still is, emotionally unavailable. I believe my mother was codependent and instilled in me an unhealthy form of love: loving and staying in (unhealthy) relationships - “till death do us part” - w ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #6 Is Out

January 23rd 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) /Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Begin Again" /. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a CoDA ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/23/18

January 23rd 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) My codependency began when I was a teenager. My dad had a mental Illness that caused hIm to abandon my mother and I for weeks or months at a tIme. There were tImes I asked mom not to let hIm come back but she was committed to saving her marriage. I thInk she Is codependent too. It was a struggle for me because at fIrst I was daddIes’ gIrl. Then I transitIoned into daddies’ way. HIs Illness was progressive. ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/16/18

January 16th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) ‘Who am I?” Born as a butterfly After so many things in my early life Absorbing so many negative beliefs Hearing all of these and believing I realized I was hidden In a cocoon Then, on a very difficult night CoDA came into my life Finally a relief I was in the dark Dying through the minutes Through the pain Through my mind. Expecting too much Living too less Hoping nothing One speaking voice ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/8/18

January 9th 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) 16. January 2013 Who am I Who am I? They tell me I am a strong person, I will cope with grief and get on with life. Who am I? They tell me I am a caring person willing to give a helping hand, be there for others when needed. Who am I? They tell me I am a logical thinker, that I can solve problems, seem to be in control of my life. Am I all that what others say of me? Or am I what I know of my ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 1/2/18

January 1st 2018 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) The following affirmations were picked up elsewhere, but they are now mine as I incorporate them in my life in CoDa recovery Everything you want is on the other side of Fear ... FEAR = Forgetting Everything is All Right FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real FEAR = Face Everything And Rise FEAR = Feel anxiety and Recover (refuse to be overcome by it) To live our lives fully, we must lose our fear of being ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/26/17

December 25th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) For those celebrating the holidays the Co-NNections Committee would like to wish you a wonderful season and New Year. *Thank you to everyone who made a submission to the Weekly Reading this past year! * However, the Co-NNections Committee regrets that there is no CoDA Fellowship Recovery Story today. *We have run out of stories to share with you. * If you believe as we do that these CoDA Weekly Readings are ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/19/17

December 19th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) *Meditations Written at CSC 2000* A Rain of Tears to Wash the Soul Afresh We have all known sadness; some of us know depression even better. Our disease makes us see the world and other people in a distorted fashion. We think what we see is real and act on it. The results make us think everyone else is crazy so we try to make them conform to our way of doing things. We try to control them. When we acknowled ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/12/17

December 11th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Words Of Wisdom 2017 (A collection of short readings) *H*ere are my magic words of recovery. Maybe they can be so for you as well. Oops: I can't always get it right so why be ashamed of it? Ouch: I deserve to be treated respectfully and only I can train others to do so. Help: Who said I have to do it alone? No: The most important word of all. Only I can decide for my life. /JBR – 12/4/17 / *S*ometimes in l ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 12/5/17

December 5th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) No doubt my years of recovery work had primed me for this. However, I was taken aback by how much another person’s story triggered my recognition of my own life. It was a story read in a meeting about chaos and addiction, of acting out and careening from person to person, job to job and place to place. All seemingly an effort to block the childhood pain of abandonment. I had recognized my own patterns of av ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/28/17

November 28th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) *Recovery From Isolation* I've noticed that when I experience something in my life that sets me back a little, one of the first things I do is isolate from others. I start not returning phone calls or in some cases just not answering the phone. I cancel dinners, coffees, trips because I just don't feel like being around people. Some of that is good; it shows me that I'm learning to listen to myself and hono ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/21/17

November 21st 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Words Of Wisdom 2005 (A Collection of sayings heard at meetings) Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle Submitted by, Kathie Never go to the desert for water. We have two choices "hang on or fall off. Which will you choose? Submitted by, Nancy Lynn P. If you can't practice these principles in all your affairs, you have too many affairs. You can't keep what you won't give away Justifying by say ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/14/17

November 14th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) /_Serenity and Hope_/ Today I have grown- this neediness I let go- serenity has creeped- into my soul. This hope I had longed for- Is taking root- Down this once-dirty ole shoot- Letting go-I'm growing old- Serenity and hope gaining control. It's settled down the old bones- not as loud.. Serenity and hope- has been my shroud. I have seen the miracle- In this very moment- Serenity and Hope- Ha ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Book Work Group Needs Members

November 11th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with one click, is located at the end of this message.) The CoDA Co-NNections Committee’s Book Work Group seeks service workers to curate archived fellowship stories for inclusion in an anthology. Please send your interest along with relevant experience you believe appropriate to bwg@coda.org. You can review previous 2015 - 2017 readings here: http://codependents.org/cgi-bin/dada/mail.cgi/list/connections/ . Older readings are here: http://connections.coda.or ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 11/7/17

November 7th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) My best friend passed away after having a valve replaced in her heart. We had an argument in the Hospital the day before she was to be discharged. I went home; and her Daughter and friend picked her up the next day. They spent the day, but left her alone and she died, on the floor. I walked around numb for months. I got a therapist. I told him my life was inside out and backwards. I tried to help everyone; ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/31/17

October 31st 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) *Away from Codependency* Awareness patterns: 1. I identify what I am feeling. 2. I clearly recognize how I feel. 3. I am dedicated to my own well-being. Strong self-esteem patterns: 1. I pride myself in making decisions. 2. I recognize in a positive manner everything I think, say, and do. 3. I take pride in receiving recognition, praise, or gifts. 4. I ask others to meet my needs or desires. 5. I value m ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/24/17

October 24th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Into Action! I have been aware of my codependency for some years now, but I had not addressed it honestly, after all, wasn't being an alcoholic enough without the burden of another disease! I thought it would disappear as long as I stayed in AA .... until I found myself separated and lonely with no emotional crutch. Gradually over the next 5 painful years I saw that my whole existence required another pers ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/17/17

October 17th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Honest, Open, Willing Years ago when my husband, John, and I separated, I was forced to give up my drug of choice, John. I could no longer make myself feel good by focusing on him and what I perceived as his problems. The result was I became overwhelmed by my feelings of abandonment. I quickly substituted in another pain killer, binge shopping. At that time, the first Target store in our city opened less t ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/10/17

October 10th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Love is knowing when to walk away. Love is finally understanding that love isn’t putting someone in a box. It’s choosing the ache of silence over the regret of putting my own foot in my mouth. It’s the nights I stay up making lists of pros and cons To try decide If it’s worth this risk for a simple, “Hey.” It’s the relief I feel in the morning that I did NOT do that. You see, love isn’t in the ache ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 10/2/17

October 2nd 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Having suffered two failed marriages, I had to ask the question, “What is wrong with me?” It seemed that the more I gave, the less I got in return. If I tried harder, was selfless, jumped though more hoops, or did aerial acrobatics, then maybe, just maybe, my spouse would be kind, empathetic and loving. It took years to find the courage to leave my second husband. Who wants to be divorced, let alone twice? ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/26/17

September 26th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Today I am in the throes of my codependency, and it’s so painful to admit that I'm not where, in my head, I believe I should be. And yet CoDA 12 Step has taught me, gleefully, that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Now I can exhale. Because of decades of struggling in and out of recovery, sometimes believing that I could do recovery by myself, Consciousness did for me and others like me what we could no ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/19/17

September 19th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) "The Value of Service from the “CoDA In This Moment Daily Meditation book for August 25". My sponsor has done service at the four levels of the program. While he never advised or urged me to do service I saw how good it was for him and made service at all levels of CoDA part of my recovery. I came into program a frightened guy hiding in isolation who avoided meaningful social interaction. Service ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/12/17

September 12th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) This is a non-negotiable, this life of being awake. Listening to the whisper of God, above the notifications, calls, texts, praises. Surrendering to the surrender. How do I forgive myself? Back up. How do I become willing? Back up. I admit I am powerless over myself and others and turn my life and will over to God. Please help me be ready. Sometimes it hurts too much to be present. But I am finding forgive ...Continue Reading

CoDA Co-NNections Meeting In Print Issue #5 Is Out

September 9th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) /Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed /"Path To Serenity"/. MiP is a quarterly publication that gives you the feeling of a live meeting while opening up space for texts, poetry, artwork and even music to help the CoDA community towards recovery. Each edition contains the following elements required in a ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 9/5/17

September 5th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) Amends I have heard people in the program complain about others owing them amends. When the other person admitted their wrong doing and vowed to change the amends were not accepted because they didn’t say they were sorry. Is saying, "I’m sorry" an amends? Or is there a lot more to it. Webster’s definition for Amend (on the internet); 1: To put right 2a: to change or modify for the better 2b: to al ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/29/17

August 29th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) “In This Moment”, the CoDA Meditation book page 21: “I choose not to listen to my disease” As I sat pondering a topic; it occurred to me to pick up the daily meditation. I usually start my day off with recovery meditations but had not today because I chose to read from our Co-Dependence Anonymous book this morning so my routine was different, not in a negative way; I just changed my routine up. When I read ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/22/17

August 22nd 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) At times, my night is endless. Ablaze with racing thoughts, my World War ignites. The toxic fumes of my burning wheels assault my nose. Battles cries fill the air. How could you do this to me? Why don't you love me? Why are you so cruel? I don't know where to point the fingers of abuse. I'm so confused!!! Poisoned by the drama, I cry. Who is wrong and who is right? I'm so busy seeing through their eyes, tha ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading: 8/15/17

August 15th 2017 PST

*Feathers* Little one, where did you leave your wings? Buried at the back of your desk cubby in the classroom? On the soccer field when you missed the goal? The eleventh time you were told children are not to be heard? Were they smothered, choked, and bound by shame? Remember when that boy placed a kick-me sticker on the back of your heart in the lunch line? I can tell you how to find them. When gold coins become sea foam, look under your pillow. *The Blue Light* I am all you need. I have been here the ...Continue Reading

CoDA Weekly Reading 8/8/17

August 8th 2017 PST

(Mailing list information, including how to remove yourself with 1 click, is located at the end of this message.) I was mute - emotionally and vocally. My vision was dim and only directly ahead of me. My future stifled by my pained heart, confusion and anxiety. Always apologizing for who I was, what I thought and why I asked. Who am I without the overbearing tone glaring into my soul? Where was my ‘self’? My whole self? Where was the sky and limitless opportunities? My brain and heart were on ‘pause’ and paranoia was ...Continue Reading
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