Detachment with Love

I learned through attending CoDA meetings that detaching does not mean I don’t care.  It means I have learned to love myself, to love the people in my life and not to get involved in their business.  I used to believe that by trying to control situations, worrying excessively, and forcing things to go the way I wanted, I was demonstrating how much I cared. However, I eventually realized that I was trying to play the role of God, thinking I knew what was best for everyone around me. I came to understand that I am powerless over others, and that my attempts to control everything had made my life unmanageable.

The rewards of detaching with love and staying in my own business enhanced my relationships. It also provided me with a deep sense of serenity and peace.  Detachment allowed me to find the freedom to find solutions to my own problems.  Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees the people around me to solve their own problems.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself and that I can’t solve problems that aren’t mine to solve. If people have created some disasters for themselves, I allow them to face their own music.  I allow them to be who they are.  I give them the freedom to be responsible and grow.  I gave myself that same freedom.  

I needed to stop trying to change what I can’t change.  I try to live happily – focusing on what is good in my life and I feel grateful for that.   Every time I feel myself being pulled into other people’s nonsense…I repeat these words,” Not my monkeys, not my circus.” Or I ask myself, “Who’s business is it? God’s business? My business? or Another person’s business?”

Detachment involves “present moment living.”  I allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control everything. I relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future.  I make the most of each day, One Day at a Time and ask God to give me the serenity to Let Go and Let God handle all my problems.  These slogans allowed me to replace stress and worry with faith and serenity.  Today, I am choosing to trust God with my life.  My actions, thoughts, and choices will unfold when the time is right, as I have surrendered them to Him, and I know He will guide me.

Judy O.
12.11.2025

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.