God, Who Am I?

Since I've been to two CoDA meetings, I'm beginning to confirm my situation in life. On May 4, 2024, my two kids and I made a move to another city to live with my younger sister and her husband. At first, I was doing what I always do, which is cleaning, cooking, and sometimes babysitting.

I felt joy for three weeks, then my feelings surfaced, the ones I always hid. I thought to myself, what is going on? I was being the savior of my sister's marriage and trying to help her as always. I sided with her, I trusted her because with my mental health conditions, she would help me out. But God intervened and made their hearts cold, and I felt a deep pain that was completely unbearable. Tears flowed and I couldn't stop. I was always the savior since I was nine years old. The abandonment issues came forth and I knew that I needed to leave. My tears turned to a degree of anger that if I had said anything or tried to work it out, I would still feel no justice.

God through CoDA helped me realize that I'm not in control of others, I'm not a savior, trying to take his place and had not realized it till now. I heard a young woman say she felt estranged from her family. Now I know exactly what she meant. The only people I feel like I can just be me, and I feel a sense of power are the ones I know that I don't have to agree with or take advice from regarding my life. Yes, I will probably make some mistakes, but I know I'm resilient and have faith. When I feel alone, I remember my situation and most importantly God, who loves me unconditionally and is a prayer away.

Thank you for reading my story.

Lissette B. 08/17/2024

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.