I Am Enough

In a crowded mall this Christmas, I went to pick up a small utility item. I don't need to shop much this year. In the last year I've slowly dismantled a life that wasn't so healthy. I'm starting over from scratch. Right then, though, for a moment in the mall, I was overcome by the sea of faces, snippets of conversation, the noise and the lights. I felt suddenly that I would never fit in anywhere. I would never belong. I felt so forlorn. I was alone. But I kept looking at all these faces. I kept looking at the all the things to buy. Shoes and sweaters. Watches belts, and twinkly earrings. Lamps and baubles. I saw a pair of high-heeled pink suede sneakers, which would have made my heart throb when I was a teen. But that day, as I slowly wandered past the shining stores and dodged hurried shoppers, I realized that I needed nothing. I was in a whole mall of shopping delights and Christmas sales, and I saw nothing that I wanted for myself. I looked at the faces and I saw no relationship that I wanted for myself. I didn't belong to these people, or to this place. Suddenly, I was glad. I realized, with a start of surprise, that I don't need anything in this entire shopping palace. I am complete within me. I felt as if I had evolved into a new spiritual creature in that mall.

The critical voices in my head suddenly became quiet. I found myself absorbing the sights and relishing, yes, relishing that I didn't belong. I was past all of this. I had grown past the need to get things to show off, and flash the status symbols, and to have people filling me. It was my Christmas present this year from my Higher Power to me. For Christmas this year, I got Me. I am enough.

Nancy M. (2004)

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