May 26th 2020
RESIDENTIAL SOULS Sitting in my CoDA meeting I looked around at the circle of faces. No two expressions alike. There were half-smiles, intense brow furrowing like one gets when trying to absorb as much information as possible. “I love it here” I thought. Then I thought of an amusing analogy that all the people are like houses and within each house is a soul. Each soul is different, just as every house is decorated differently on the inside and outside. It reflects who we are on the inside. What I went through in my li ...Continue Reading
May 19th 2020
KEEP COMING BACK I thought I was cured and heading in the right direction in life. I did all the steps and the program fulfilled its promise. I found true serenity. But, I ventured off..... after no meetings for 3 years. When something is so ingrained as being co-dependent you don't just wake up one day cured after you: finish the steps with a sponsor, read all the literature, get a grip on your life and feel some relief. Not even if I practice the program for a few years and think I'm all better. No. I am not. One d ...Continue Reading
May 12th 2020
*Dream Resuscitation* Sitting by the window in the back seat of the car as my dad drove home from our friend's house in Germany was always a healing time for me. The German countryside was so beautiful and lush. Home was a place of constant fear for me, but when I was in the back seat of the car I could be anything I wanted to be. My spirit lived in the dense forests that rolled past my backseat window. I would jump from the car out of my heavy physical body and dance among the trees. I was free and happy and the anim ...Continue Reading
May 5th 2020
*EGGSHELLS* “Walking on eggshells” definition: 1) To be overly careful in dealing with a person or situation because they get angry or offended very easily. 2) To try very hard not to upset someone or something. 3) A metaphor that is often used when describing a feeling of being trapped by another’s will and our voice being silenced. When I was growing up, all of our family knew mostly when it was time to be “walking on eggshells” around my father. He was a volatile man and known for his scary rages that usually ende ...Continue Reading
April 28th 2020
Bowl Of Liquid Mindfulness My constant worrying and projected visions of impending doom have been robbing me of the now. Being in CoDA and working my program I am beginning to see progress, but of course, I want the changes to come quicker. I have always hated waiting and have always pretty much had a ‘git er done!’ type of demeanor. I realize that a solid foundation means that every brick is in place to help support all the others and possibly a few structures close by. However, the bottom line is I am impatient and ...Continue Reading
April 21st 2020
CoDA Reflections A dense fog covers the emerging daylight. No work, no church today. Life is happening at home. No travel. Feel uneasy going to the grocery store. Love the gas price, but no need for gas. Had a CoDA online meeting yesterday, instead of a planned CoDA Intergroup workshop. Principles are good, but people are upset, angry and irritated, even me. Humor helps, but tension is high. Business may close. Relatives in New York City are sick. I feel sick. I am hopeful for my recovery. The enemy of recovery is ...Continue Reading
April 14th 2020
And The Oscar For Best Actor Goes To: I think that abused people are the greatest actors of all. They have to be. They spend their whole lives trying to hide the pain, shame, and brokenness behind humor and a smile so people don’t know how defective they are. I am one of those people. I made jokes, did whatever it took to weave a web of kindness around others to distract them from the mistake that was me. Always on the verge of tears, teeth clenched into a forced smile as I performed my way into a dramatic ICU scene ...Continue Reading
April 7th 2020
The global and local phenomenon of the pandemic has provided me with some challenges and lots of food for thought. I am finding that there are two areas in particular—which I've had to work on a lot in my CoDA recovery journey of the last eight years—that are currently extra challenging to maintain but I feel extra important for me to maintain. Those areas are 1) boundaries and 2) moderating my tendency to catastrophize. Ironically, my physical immune system is important right now, but as I have been encountering peo ...Continue Reading
March 30th 2020
My Codependent Journey I had been drifting in and out of the realization of my codependency for many years. The day it hit home for me was in a relationship with someone I cared about deeply. My life became focused on this person in unhealthy ways. I began to be controlling, trying to fix things, fix him. I was judgmental, and very hurtful, then on the flip side, loving. An abundance of emotions began to surface that I could not understand. There was a lot of push and pull. I wanted to be close, but was afraid / guard ...Continue Reading
March 24th 2020
Pandemic The global and local phenomenon of the pandemic has provided me with some challenges and lots of food for thought. I am finding that there are two areas in particular—which I've had to work on a lot in my CoDA recovery journey of the last eight years—that are currently extra challenging to maintain but I feel extra important for me to maintain. Those areas are 1) boundaries and 2) moderating my tendency to catastrophize. Ironically, my physical immune system is important right now, but as I have been encoun ...Continue Reading
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