An Enormous Gem Hiding in Plain SightI am grateful for learning boundaries at last. Having survived a childhood of profound abuse, I was vulnerable to dependent relationships, never having had my dependency needs met as a child.I felt completely stuck as a younger adult and the parent of numerous children. I could not begin to imagine how I would survive were I to leave a highly abusive relationship. When I heard about 12-Step recovery and experienced my first meetings, I had a strong paradigm shift. Without changing ci ...Continue Reading

Growth Through ServiceI came into CoDA just over three years ago. I had been in an on again, off again dysfunctional relationship. Something had to change. My patterns of behaviour in relationships were unhealthy and no longer served me well.I found CoDA and I never looked back. I joined a CoDA group quickly, which is still my home group. I found a sponsor – who I also still have today.With my sponsor I worked through the First 14 Days and found that they unpacked a lot of issues from my childhood. Whilst I am still wor ...Continue Reading

Convos With NewcomersIn my CoDA experience: newcomers reaching out, means I'm working with a newcomer which is service and leads to me getting outside myself for half a second and having a daily reminder that I need CoDA more than I realize. It can't bother me because as a sponsor I have developed boundaries: when I am unfit/unavailable physically or mentally I will not answer/respond. When I was a newcomer my sponsors asked me just reach out anyways, leave a message, text me and I'll get back to I as soon as I can; tur ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "We Our Finding Our Way" CoDA-MiP-September-2023-Ed.-28.pdfMiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDA foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.There is plenty of room for content in vario ...Continue Reading

The StepsSponsors work when we are ready to let go of control. Get to the promises. Do the work.I was kissing concrete. Needed help. God provided. Temporary sponsor reminded me of my father and other abusers. Eric has two years in a group that thrives on working the Steps. He suggested we work the Steps. Fast – to show how it works and that they work.We did! Perfectly imperfectly. When we finished Step 4 inventory, he asked, "Is that all?” Then added that more will be revealed, and we can handle that with Step 10. ...Continue Reading

My First CoDA ShareI was a sobbing mess when I attended my first CoDA telephone meeting. Even though I listened to people who seemed much more together than I was, I shakily hit the star six button, still crying. I blurted out how my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. When I was told I was heard, something changed in my life. I didn't get my usual “stop your crying” backlash. It was a new experience that's leading me on an incredible journey.All my life, from the time I was a little girl, my cries were quenched. When my cat d ...Continue Reading

Finding MeI came into CoDA ten months ago broken. My spirit, my body, my soul. A friend in another Fellowship recommended I come to a meeting. Within one minute I knew I was home amongst people who would get me.My backstory? I was twice divorced and had been going from one woman to another since I was 17. I had no sense of self-worth; I was in denial, and I needed help fast before I got into another toxic relationship. The depression had sunk in. The anxiety was at an all-time high. I couldn’t get out of bed. Rock botto ...Continue Reading

Living the Program Co-Dependence Anonymous has been a miraculous program for me. I joined CoDA in 2019 when I had 8 years previous Twelve Step experience in another Fellowship. I have and continue to work my steps in my other Fellowship; however, no step work has been as thorough and healing for me as the step work in Co-Dependents Anonymous.At five years of sobriety I found myself in a situation where I was conned and it affected me physically, spiritually and emotionally. My ego, pride and self-esteem were crushe ...Continue Reading

Self-AnalysisMy self-analysis has frequently been faulty. Sometimes I've failed to share my defects with the right people; at other times, I've confessed their defects, rather than my own; and at still other times, my confession of codependent defects has been more in the nature of loud complaints about my circumstances and my problems.Nevertheless, I think I've usually been able to make a fairly thorough and searching job of finding and admitting my personal defects. Yet this pretty well-ventilated condition is nothing ...Continue Reading

Getting to Know MyselfI am Esraa and I am Codependent.Before coming to CoDA Fellowship, I was suffering from a lack of management of my love life, and I used to get into a lot of toxic relationships. I didn't know why until I joined CoDA. While I was using the recovery tools, I discovered many of my personal flaws, and how they relate to growing up in a troubled family.I discovered the compulsive reasons that pushed me to enter into unhealthy relationships, and I learned to deal with them This happened after using recov ...Continue Reading

FreedomHi, my name is Bri. I'm definitely a codependent. I found this group a couple of weeks ago via the internet. I have been sober from alcohol for about 5 and a half years.I used to get so hung up over my ex-boyfriends. It took me a year to get over one. Two years to get over my son's father whom I was with, off and on, for a few years. He was abusive. Once that happened, I ended it, and never looked back. I lived in agony for those two years.One day I woke up and felt freedom. Maybe it was the new mood stabilizer I ...Continue Reading

AmendsWe were friends the last few decades, lovers way back when.1973 had been a horrible year. My father died, my house was broken into and emptied of everything of value, and I was incapable of coping. I withdrew, got into drugs, seeking oblivion, wanting to block out reality.Autumn in Charleston, South Carolina. Days of warm perfection, nights with a chill that pinked up the cheeks. I was unmoved, dead inside. I met him at a party I did not wish to attend. He was in a room by himself, a sailor playing his trumpet to ...Continue Reading

CoDA ToolsI have always heard the term codependent, but I really didn’t understand it. When I was 66 years old, I had a nervous breakdown.Growing up I was rarely made a priority. When my father passed away, I became my mother’s caregiver. Needless to say, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I hurt my daughter’s family terribly and I worried my family to death. I was deficient in B12 to the point where I could barely get up in the morning.I’ve had to make myself a priority, and it does not come easy! I was so happy to take c ...Continue Reading

Self-LoveI had no idea what love was, period, let alone self-love. My sponsor used to tell me repeatedly "if I talk to my friends the way I talk to myself, I wouldn't have any friends." But harsh and critical of myself and others was what love and care looked like in my family of origin.I had really terrible self-esteem when I came into CoDA. I can still have rough days with low self-esteem but today I can recognize that just because I feel low doesn't mean I am. Who does my program say I am? Am I sure these t ...Continue Reading

At the Foot of the Mountain This is the (I imagine) rare story of a pre-Step 1 codependent. The type of story I wish I could see more of. People who, like me, look at the recovery mountain they have to climb and tremble in fear.It has been the worst two months of my life. And as I read reports in the Blue Book and in this magazine, I almost feel ashamed to complain about mine. I didn't grow up abused or neglected to the degree many have. Yes, my parents fought a lot, and I got caught in the middle of their mind gam ...Continue Reading

My MedallionsMy daughter gave me a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift: a small wooden box for all my CoDA chips and medallions. The current one is displayed on the top. I love it! Didn’t know such a thing existed.Every day now I see my VII surrounded by the Serenity Prayer — a good reminder of how far I’ve come on my CoDA recovery journey. When I get stressed and fearful about speaking up for myself it’s good to reflect on where I’ve been and where I _want_ to be. I know the only way to get there is by walking throu ...Continue Reading

New BeginningsI have just recently joined CoDA. I, too, have been wanting to have a connective, healthy relationship with my partner, after two previous unsuccessful attempts! We even went into couple’s work. However, I am feeling his financial burdens, his health concerns, his attitude, neediness, is too much for me to bear daily. I need to find myself again. Instead of constantly catering for him to survive, medically, financially, and in spirit, I am losing my best self. I need my life back.Please, higher power, give ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "Finding Self in CoDA" https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-June-2023-Ed.-27.pdfMiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDA foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.There is plenty ...Continue Reading

My Recovery Journey I feel very lucky to have found CoDA after emotionally spinning out for years, triggered by the Covid-19 pandemic, the everyday stresses of being a working parent, and significant shifts in my family dynamic, including the realization that my closest family member had been suffering in an emotional abusive relationship. Over time, in managing these crises and trauma, I found my responses to things (guilt, shame, panic, controlling, resentment) were only getting worse, not better. So, in February of 2 ...Continue Reading

A Music LessonAs with many codependents, my family of origin had its own version of craziness. I spent a lot of time bemoaning the dysfunction of my family of origin and wishing things were different. However, there was a positive force that was always in our house – music! I grew up listening and loving the Big Band music of my parents, the Rock and Roll of my older brother, and Motown/Beatles in my high school and college years. My love for music continued into the 80s music of my children and now the Kidz Bop and Ima ...Continue Reading

Why Am I Not Fixed Yet?I have recovered in the rooms of Adult Children of Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, SLAA & CoDA. I could ask ‘why so many Anonymous-es?’, but no not today! God & CoDA teach me lamenting over the ‘Why me’s’ area waste of my time. Besides, I ‘gotta’ get on with this business of loving on CindyAnn!My Higher Power, God, fills most of my days with joy and peace! I still, perhaps like many of us humans, cry and wrestle with the tough times of living in this world. But reco ...Continue Reading

 A Music LessonAs with many codependents, my family of origin had its own version of craziness. I spent a lot of time bemoaning the dysfunction of my family of origin and wishing things were different. However, there was a positive force that was always in our house – music! I grew up listening and loving the Big Band music of my parents, the Rock and Roll of my older brother, and Motown/Beatles in my high school and college years. My love for music continued into the 80s music of my children and now the Kidz Bop a ...Continue Reading

Discovering MyselfMy name is Jennifer, and I am codependent. I didn't realize that until two weeks ago when my partner had a fit of rage. This time he tore a door off its hinges. Seeing that and feeling that energy made me realize all my romantic relationships looked exactly the same. I am and have been dating men that were similar to my dad. Aloof. Loner-ish. Have some sort of substance abuse, depression, or temperament issue.Every. Single. Relationship. I shunned men who were "too nice" as I thought somethin ...Continue Reading

Finding HomeI came into CoDA to try to end the crazy cycle of damaging and destructive relationships I was in. Growing up in a dysfunctional home I was always looking for a safe place to call home. I was displaced at age16 when my parents split, and I moved 10 times in two years trying to find somewhere I felt “at home”. I thought a relationship was the key to my lost feelings and emptiness. Unfortunately, the relationships I was involved in were more damaging and I felt even more alone and “homeless”.I finally ended up ...Continue Reading

I Am Not Just What Happened to Me: I Am My ChoicesMy name is Sam, and I am a joyful codependent. I am an Iranian American fellow member of the program.I was always wondering what the reason for my codependency problem was. Then I concluded that something in my childhood must have caused the domino effect of codependency in my life!I was born in Iran when there was a war between Iran and the neighboring country Iraq in the 80s. We had no financial problems, but there were constant uncertainties and feelings of unsafe due ...Continue Reading

Returning to SanityToday I feel insane. I’ve been in recovery for three years now and this feeling of insanity inside of me has lessened. But today I am in the throes of it and confusion and uncertainty have set in. I’m experiencing anger, disappointment, resentment, false hope, obsession, and the need to let go of control. I find myself struggling between letting go of control and obsessing over the situation. It’s a tough situation and involves a family member that has serious mental illness.Today, I went to a meeting ...Continue Reading

Growing UpHi, I'm Ashley and I'm codependent. Growing up I've always relied on others to give me a sense of purpose, worth, safety and love but never allowed myself to find that from within. After a recent break up, looking back I realized that despite believing I was recovering, my codependency was very much running my life and my relationship.So, in mourning the loss of that relationship I have chosen to heal rather than to regret so that I may live in the present and not the past. I will remember that though my inten ...Continue Reading

Working My ProgramMy name is Catherine E. I have been in recovery and specifically CoDA for 30 years now. I have started and led meetings in a couple of different states, and I have sponsored people in the past. I have had co-sponsors and had a sponsor and been mentored throughout my journey by many women.To walk into a CoDA meeting takes great courage. It has been a very difficult job learning to let go and to stop controlling others; to trust in and believe that a higher power had my best interests at heart; to overco ...Continue Reading

Reflection on Chapter 2The wonder of how CoDA readings often resonate with the insights of the past week still surprises me and I am grateful to have this growing understanding that my higher power works in subtle and pervasive ways. This reading reminded me of what an old-timer shared in one of my first meetings.“Codependency is the disease beneath the disease of all addiction.”In my childhood home we lived in constant flux. My father’s career was always the focus and from the age of five I moved every 2-3 years from c ...Continue Reading

 Overcoming ObstaclesMy name is April, and I am a codependent. I didn't say that out loud until I came to my first CoDA meeting six months ago. Before that, I only identified as "addict.” I was in recovery for my addiction in another fellowship, staying clean, had a sponsor, worked all 12 Steps but something still wasn't working. I wrote multiple inventories, but I still hated my mother. In 2022 my physical health was really declining and I had to have multiple surgeries, including a full colectomy. I was in p ...Continue Reading

My Higher Power’s WillTwo years into my recovery and I still couldn’t put my finger on what I felt was my Higher Power’s will for me. I had a strong sense of my Higher Power and how it was working in my life, where and how to connect to it – but this seemed a difficult concept to grasp.Then Bam! A lightbulb moment – following a codependent slip and a spiral into shame and “poor me” mentality.A review of Steps 1, 6 and 7 gave me the lightbulb moment I was after. My victim mode with the self-defeating scripts/negative sel ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Strengthening in Recovery” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-March-2023-Ed.-26.pdf MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome,Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers. Ther ...Continue Reading

Finding Strength in MeHi, my name is Debbie and I’m codependent.I came into the CoDA rooms nearly two years ago. To say “I never looked back” would be untrue. Many a time when I was adequately side-tracked by my ‘significant other’ at the time, I would barely pay CoDA lip service.But now when look I back, I have my CoDA journey to look back on. I look back towards ‘me’. CoDA has been there as a gentle reminder that I will not find strength in anyone else, I will only find strength in me.As I begin to have an inkling of ...Continue Reading

Spilled CoffeeThank you for the opportunity to share:This morning, I spilled my coffee. Up until now, I may have listened to the committee in my mind; false messages looking for control. The FEAR seeping in, much like the coffee soaking into the rug. False evidence appearing real.Step 11 reminds me that through prayer and meditation I can and do have conscious contact with the God of my understanding. My meditation practice allows me to more readily BE in this moment, where I accept myself as I am, an imperfect human BE ...Continue Reading

I Keep Coming BackMy best friend Mo was in CoDA for years when we met. I listened to her. I knew my mother was codependent. I was sure of that. And I was moving to Florida to live with her. I'd go to CoDA because she was codependent.Ha ha!!Well, it takes what it takes. I got involved with an active alcoholic. I remember our first date. I remember it so well. I sat in the passenger seat of his noisy jeep feeling exactly as I did when I was in high school. It was a feeling of suffocating. Of not being myself. Of not reall ...Continue Reading

No Longer Just a Nice GuyWhen I got a gut instinct that all might blow up in my family, I started asking what it was I was doing. It started with a book about being a “nice guy.” I am one. That’s essentially a codependent, I thought. When I researched it, it all jumped out and said, Hey, this is ME they speak of!I’m so gratefully three days into recovery. I reached out to CoDA, and a wonderful guy, Daniel, walked me through some basics. I believe that I was programmed very well when young. An injured Father was abusive, ...Continue Reading

Letter to My BoysThe following is a letter I wrote to my children a few days ago that may or may not ever be given to them, but it was a letter I needed to write. After starting CoDA fifteen months ago, I finally feel free and more myself than ever before. My sponsor, my meetings, and reading morning meditations from In This Moment have changed the course of my life. I acknowledge that my codependency is ever-present and must be managed. Participating in the CoDA program is a daily habit and has saved me from remaining ...Continue Reading

TestimonialI have been in CoDA since June 2021, when I was in a residential, trauma-based program. There, with the help of the professionals and my fellow residents, I saved my life. As a child, I was the oldest of four girls and took on the protection of my sisters when my mother’s raging was too scary. Our father was compliant, asking us to just do what she said so she would stop. I carried that compliance to adulthood, where I had a series of abusive relationships, and some in which I was so detached I lasted just lo ...Continue Reading

Musings on the 6th TraditionSo, I've been in CoDA on and off for six years and I want to share my story. CoDA is a fantastic place to heal. I've learned so much to heal my abuse patterns learned from and in response to my abusers.I left a CoDA homegroup I was in for 3 years, due to a religious divide. I was one of the people quoting scripture, as it pertained to my recovery. However, it angered many CoDA members in the group. Members found my use of scripture to be insensitive and endorsing.I thought I was sharing my he ...Continue Reading

Step 11 ReflectionWhen I consider my approach to prayer to my higher power and to meditation, in what is my first 78 meetings and 78 days of my CoDA journey, I’m grateful that I can now see the waves of resistance and brief moments of surrender that swung wildly at first and now like a pendulum seem to be finding a rhythm that, while still out of balance, has a more regular cadence that I can start to feel on a daily basis. I’m not there yet by any means. I have days where deeply obsessive and compulsive anxiety ru ...Continue Reading

Taking ResponsibilityHi, I am Ramona P,My story started as a little girl seeing my mom in abusive relationships. I am the eldest of 7 children. Caretaking became my way of survival; if I can just focus on taking care of others, I won’t have to think about how sad I felt deep inside. I usually felt fearful, ashamed, not enough. I started self-medicating with food as a toddler; it’s still a struggle today over 50 years later. Let’s not think about experimental drugs and alcohol use. My dad was an alcoholic, so I was deter ...Continue Reading

TransformationHi, my name is Colleen. I have been a member of AA for 30 years but joined Coda 10 years ago. Slowly but surely my life has been transformed by working the Steps in the CoDA workbook. I attend meetings Thursday night and also every Sunday.I have always been codependent, but I never knew. I felt broken and a waste of space. 30 years ago, at 18 years of age I slowly started to put myself back together one piece at a time. What a process and long journey!I continue to move forward little by little. I have tak ...Continue Reading

Speaking My TruthI had a plan. I knew what I wanted. It was important to me. Things were not coming together well. I needed to speak up - not abandon myself (again). State the facts. Speak my truth. Live with the consequences.I cannot control others, only myself. My CoDA recovery tools were knocking on my door. I knew what I needed to do. My people-pleasing defect runs strong and deep. I have to work so hard to overcome it. Day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I had to have a hard, honest conversation with my friend. ...Continue Reading

Learning AuthenticityI didn’t know it, but I was addicted to chaos. Perhaps addicted may be too strong a word, but I certainly was attracted to it. It could be across the street with unfamiliar people arguing (I’d perk up and listen, hmmm, what’s going on!!) or right in my personal space within my own family. Chaos was normalized as, well, normal, from my very beginnings on earth. My family of origin cemented this, and I carried the torch on into my own life. I married a pothead, and he would hit me. He gambled and I ac ...Continue Reading

Anger to AcceptanceAfter 14 years in Alanon and 3 years in CoDA, one day I hit a point where things felt like they were falling down around me. I was getting the cold shoulder from people at work, and it felt devastating. My people pleasing – a lifelong habit – had really dealt me a blow this time. I had tried so hard and so consistently to make others like me, and it had all backfired. Being shunned by my colleagues at work felt like my whole world was falling apart and all kinds of hurt feelings were triggered. Nothin ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Transforming in Recovery” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-Dec-2022-Ed.-25.pdf MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome,Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers. There i ...Continue Reading

The Lotus Flower Still Blossoming and Breathing I have always wanted to submit a story to the CoDA community. I went to my first CoDA meeting in late July of 2016, just a few months after entering my AA program. To this day, the beautiful women I met at my very first meeting, are still just as near and dear to me. They are “my tribe” and my “soul sisters” in recovery. Without their and so many others’ humility, courage, and strength, I don’t know if I would still be here today. Without my strength and willingness to con ...Continue Reading

Soul Gardening with Steps Four through SevenI enjoy growing plants in various sized pots. In order to make these plants flourish and produce new growth, removing dead leaves and flower blooms is a must. When I do, new leaves and flowers later appear. One day as I was doing this pruning, it occurred to me that this is similar to doing Steps Four through Seven.When I identify the characteristics that no longer are working in my life, and share with myself, God, and another human being, then I begin to prune my life. In St ...Continue Reading

Allowing Myself to Be Human! I’ve been in 12-Step recovery more than 30 years off and on. I realize now that every time I went out on drugs it was over a codependent issue. With each loss I had no sense of self or self-love. I was in so much pain I really wanted to die!I was extremely compliant, always looking at what could I do for others. I came to CoDA 7 years ago. It was total insanity with my mother, so my therapist suggested I might join CoDA. I didn’t think I was codependent. I thought, “I’m independent!” … I had ...Continue Reading

Building BridgesGuilt and regret can be corrective emotions when they are balanced, rooted in self-love and we are able to stay out of rumination, self-criticism, and judgment. We all make mistakes, we are human.When I have the awareness that I have made a decision that wasn’t in my best interest. I do my best to acknowledge it, reflect on it, make amends if possible and move on, with the intention I won’t repeat the mistake again.Promise 4 from Codependent’s Anonymous states:I release myself from worry, guilt, and regr ...Continue Reading

Once Scared, Now FreeBorn in Britain in 1945, as World War II ended, from very early, I experienced the loss of any security of parenting or home stability. I have suppressed memories of sexual abuse. The pain of being deprived of love and security caused a deep, wrenching outpouring of grief that did not happen until my mid-forties. Even though in my 20’s I knew it needed to come out, but I was too locked up to truly grieve.Then one day, as I was starting out in a new career as a church minister, I snapped at a parishi ...Continue Reading

My First CoDA MeetingI remember my first CoDA meeting as if it were yesterday. Of course, I had no idea of what to expect but I had certain expectations. Sounds ironic, doesn't it?It was January 20, 2020. My fiancé and I went to the meeting thinking it would solidify our relationship even more. What we experienced was a small group of people who were warm, friendly, and welcoming.The meeting agenda was structured and organized. What I remember most was that no one was pressured to speak at any time. Of course, th ...Continue Reading

From Fuzziness to ClarityFor a large part of my life I felt I had a fuzzy outline. Reading through old journals as I work through my Step 4 inventory, I realized I was constantly looking to other people, places, or things to define me and give me value. I was so lost. When I joined CoDA, I began building that sense of self, one feelings-check at a time. Learning to identify feelings filled in the fuzziness, and pretty soon I discovered boundaries. Parts of myself finally had clear definition. How exciting that was!All I ...Continue Reading

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions The inability to make a decision was very strong in my personality prior to recovery and self-discovery in CoDA. One perfect example of this came one day when my sister and I were trying to decide what to do with this perfectly beautiful sunshiny day. We debated back and forth on the best way to use the time. We ended up using the whole day trying to make a “perfect” decision. What a waste!Thinking others could make better decisions or thinking I had to make the perfect decision was ...Continue Reading

Realizing a New Joy"By actively working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, we can each realize a new Joy, acceptance and serenity in our lives." -- CoDA Preamble Actively working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, that's the part that brought my ego down and my CoDA Steps back into the driver seat of my life. In my recovery work the quickest way to feel the worst and go back to the old ways of living was not being active in my program.I brilliantly decided that after a year of recovery I had it all t ...Continue Reading

Building BridgesGuilt and regret can be corrective emotions when they are balanced, rooted in self-love and we are able to stay out of rumination, self-criticism, and judgment. We all make mistakes, we are human.When I have the awareness that I have made a decision that wasn’t in my best interest. I do my best to acknowledge it, reflect on it, make amends if possible and move on, with the intention I won’t repeat the mistake again.Promise 4 from Codependent’s Anonymous states:I release myself from worry, guilt, and regr ...Continue Reading

Finding SerenityI am powerless over my students’ punctuality/attendance and my life has become unmanageable. In this moment, I can feel the misery arising in me. It’s 8 am and only about one-half of the class has arrived. I could acknowledge the ones who are on time, reward them somehow, and punish the rest. That’s within my power, right? What do I do? This is where I can go the way of my higher power or have a codependency flare up.I thank my higher power and Codependents Anonymous for giving me the wisdom and grace to ...Continue Reading

Pain  "We don't change until the pain of remaining the same exceeds the pain of change." This was one of my sponsor's favorite quotes and now it's one of mine, too. I know that it has held true in my life. And I find the quote comforting on many levels. For one thing, it changed my perspective on pain. That rather than something to be feared and avoided at any cost, pain is natural, and especially for those of us stuck in self-defeating patterns, it is necessary. Sometimes it is the only th ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "Time to Recover"https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-Sept-2022-Ed.-24.pdfMiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.There is plenty of s ...Continue Reading

The 38th Pattern of Recovery"Co-dependents often demand that their needs be met by others. In recovery, I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I need it, without expectation." https://coda.org/meeting-materials/service-materials/For me, making demands was not an obvious pattern of behavior. It was insidiously sneaky, even when I was the one being demanding. I learned to recognize my demands by noticing the anticipated resentment I was ready to unleash ...Continue Reading

Realizing the Twelve PromisesI attended my first CoDA meeting 30 years ago when I was 22 years old. My father, a recovering alcoholic, heard about it and suggested I go.Back then, I was ungrounded and paying attention to everyone else but me, internalizing everyone else’s moods and feelings and acting out. I did not know how to get quiet and feel my own feelings.Believing, trusting in, and turning my will over to my higher power resulted in miraculous changes in me. I learned to let go and stop controlling others, to fe ...Continue Reading

Have any of the Weekly Reading been helpful or thought-provoking for you?Consider submitting *your *story and sharing your insight with other CoDA members! How has CoDA changed your life? Sharing your experience, strength and hope may help thousands of codependents still suffering. Everybody in CoDA has a recovery story to tell.  Please email to: wr@coda.org Some Possible Topics (could include, but not limited to):1. Sharing your Strength and HopeHow CoDA and the Twelve Steps have made a positive imp ...Continue Reading

I Trust Those Who Are Trustworthy“I [learn to] trust those who are trustworthy” ~ Promise Seven.Before attending my first CoDA meeting, I had an open-door policy for trust. I trusted people and what they said – until they gave me a reason not to. With the help of CoDA’s 12 Promises, I’ve learned to protect myself by trusting people’s actions, and not just single actions, but actions repeated over time. Now my window of trust (which is no longer a door) is only open for those whose actions match their words over time - t ...Continue Reading

My Journey on My Path to RecoveryI started working the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions with my sponsor. I began writing stories that I could share at my CoDA meetings. I knew I felt safe there and no one would criticize me. That was something I wasn’t used to.When I wrote my “AHA” moment and read it to my sponsor, she suggested I send it to CoDA. I was surprised that she thought enough of my writing to even consider it worthy of such an organization. That is how low my self-esteem was. Her encouragement and belief in ...Continue Reading

No Longer LostI grew up in a household that provided a great training ground for codependency. My mom had lived through great tragedy and, in addition to dealing with post-trauma, suffered from other forms of mental illness. At one moment, she could be funny, charming, sensitive, and generous, and the next, flying into a rage that was accompanied by shaking, screaming, breaking things, making threats, etc. My father, who was an abuse survivor, was the exact opposite: quiet, introverted, and never wanting to get involved ...Continue Reading

Keep My Head and My Feet in the Same PlaceFour weeks from my wedding Omicron was tearing through my county. What if my mom catches it and can’t come? What if his immunocompromised mother catches it on the flight, in the restaurant, at the wedding and we kill her? What if I catch it? How do you have a wedding without a bride? Or a groom?After a few days of unmanageability, I finally reached out to my sponsor who offered me: “Keep your head and your feet in the same place.” My feet were in January, but my head was in Febr ...Continue Reading

Meetings With “A Lot of Recovery”I’ve been in this program for six years. In that time, I’ve attended a wide variety of meetings; each with their own format, structure, and style. I‘ve been welcomed and understood, over and over. I have experienced a sense of belonging like the Twelve Promises of CoDA mention. I have noticed some common threads that make that possible:·         Experienced CoDAs offer healthy modeling by listening well and sharing honestly.·         ...Continue Reading

Making Lemonade in RecoveryMy CoDA Step Study group shared a daily reading and it touched on the saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” A fellow group member shared the below statement and it inspired me to reflect and write more on the topic.“My lemonade turns out better if I don’t abandon myself making it” ~ Dora Lee M. (included with permission).This is what I took away from both…If I abandon myself while making my lemonade, especially if I do so before I add the sweetness…my lemonade and my life may end ...Continue Reading

Being in CoDA has taught me a lot about my control patterns. I’ve recently realized that I can’t help but want to control the emotions of everyone around me. And more importantly, I have worn myself down into a pattern of deciding for my loved ones what they should be thinking or feeling.I suffered sexual abuse as a 10-year-old. My family covered it up because the perpetrator was my brother. I am 30 now, but I am still firmly entrenched in the victim role. This means I can’t stand it when members of my family don’t reac ...Continue Reading

I grew up with codependency all around me in my family. Now I have my own life, but the scars still show, and I have triggers.I am doing positive things to help myself. Coming into CoDA has helped me a lot. I do online meetings and have a sponsor who kicks my butt if needed. I have been around two years now. I have been married all this time and this program has helped my marriage. It’s helped me to be aware of stuff that I wasn't aware of before.As a result of CoDA, I have a positive outcome. I have learned much about ...Continue Reading

Me, a Writer?I have difficulty with writing. When I began my journey in CoDA six years ago, I couldn't even imagine writing in a journal or answering the workbook questions. The idea that I might eventually submit something for the Fellowship to read was unfathomable. Part of my problem was believing I had nothing of value to add; I didn't even think my words were worthy of being put in ink on a page. The other challenges revolve around the more practical aspects of composition.I found my voice by sharing in meetings. W ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "Feeling Grateful" https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-June-2022-Ed.-23.pdfMiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.There is plenty of ...Continue Reading

ProjectionProjection: In recovery I no longer remain in denial by accusing others of behavior that is mine to correct.Projection can be defined in many ways … projecting an image on a screen is one example from our CoDA Book. Projection can also be defined as “a mental image viewed as reality”. The psychological definition that resonates most clearly for me in my recovery is “the unconscious transfer of one's own desires or emotions to another person: we protect the self by a number of defense mechanisms, including repr ...Continue Reading

Abandoned in LoveI’m a codependent. I’ve been in CoDA for 10 months now and have been attending the CoDA Strong Monday meeting consistently all of that time. I have a CoDA sponsor and I’ve worked through all Twelve Steps with him. We are now engaged in working the Twelve Traditions with a focus on how they can help us with relationships.That brings me to my current CoDA issue with my wife. Over the past five years of my sobriety from pill and sex addiction, my wife and I have enjoyed somewhat of a honeymoon. So I forget ...Continue Reading

My StoryI've had a taste of recovery and yet I am reminded daily of how much work I have to do. Several months ago, I had fallen into a deep chasm of codependency. I was losing my self-esteem and I was incredibly desperate for that fix of validation or that sense of control I had being a caretaker.For the first time, instead of running into the arms of a woman I became a part of this Fellowship. I listened to the stories of others and found commonality. I found a home and one that was more healthy than the home I grew u ...Continue Reading

When I ignore my need for recovery I go into states of self-delusion, illusion, self-hate, magical thinking, isolation, superiority, and inferiority. When I sit in the truth that I need help and support, I humble myself to my higher power and seek recovery. My higher power wants me to recover so that I can be what I am meant to be, precious and free.  Steps are steps for a reason. The only way out is through. I once went to a guitar shop and a guy heard me play and asked me if I wanted to learn how to get better fa ...Continue Reading

Letting Go of People Pleasing Codependent characteristic of people pleasing may have been based on my alcoholic parent always saying “no” … sometimes before the question was completely out of my mouth. “Mom, can I ..” NO.Needing approval, needing a “yes” that never came, I sought that approval from others. I’d go out of my way to be “liked”. If I got into an elevator with a stranger, I’d know their history before we reached our floor and they would “like” me.With the help of my higher power, whom I call God; CoDA h ...Continue Reading

ACCEPTING LOVEI wrote this shortly after Covid-19 shut everything down. I felt very lonely and isolated from my family and friends.My low self-esteem defects have come out in full force trying to knock me over. The trigger: gifts my daughters have been sending me. Each one sent me a special gift this week. A personalized notepad from my youngest; my favorite scented candle that happens to have YOU ARE LOVED on the outside from my middle; a pair of slacks from a special store my oldest and I visited on a recent NYC trip. ...Continue Reading

Shy’s Tradition 3 Prayer:The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.God, I like the phrase my sponsor uses: “judgy pants.” These pants were worn all day long by the ladies in my family of origin. Naturally, I had my own custom-fit judgy pants that I was born into. Oftentimes I was unaware that I slipped into them like some nanotechnology from Iron Man. Now, because of this Fellowship and this Tradition, these pants are starting to feel like leather pants in the summer -- ...Continue Reading

I have always loved losing myself in stories. For one thing, it was an easy escape hatch to get caught up in another world, to be fully immersed in a fantastic story or a new realm. For another, I could control what I wanted, but also banish what I did not want: to be alone, to feel unloved, to be gay. Good stories have a clear beginning, middle and end. I wanted my life to be a concise, linear story. I saw my brother’s death before I was born as the beginning of my story and finding someone like him to take care of me ...Continue Reading

Self Value Comes FirstDiscussing our shares with the other members after a recent meeting gave me an answer that might have saved my career as a family therapist more than fifteen years ago. I had done coursework, training and supervision, obtained licensure, and had worked in a number of agencies. I seemed effective working with clients and had some quite notable successes. But I had not been successful working in the agencies. Indeed, those failures were what led me into CoDA.In the meantime, my only alternative was p ...Continue Reading

Panic in DespairBefore I came to CoDA, I had nowhere to go with my panic and despair. When I found out that my daughter was cutting herself and becoming obsessed with suicide, I was blown away. It was just a couple of days after she’d found out that the boy she liked didn’t like her. She was heartbroken. That was when the depression and the cutting began. It’s been a long road since those early days of my then 17-year-old daughter's suicidal ideation (she’s 20 now). We got her in therapy, and she has a psychiatrist pres ...Continue Reading

I’ve been in CoDA for about 1.5 years. As I’ve grown in CoDA, I’ve noticed that setting boundaries has really improved my self-esteem. Anything from not interpreting Spanish at work when there are interpreters available (as it is not in my job description) to walking away from unequal relationships.I’ve been single for five years and really interested in sharing my life with someone; however, I’m not willing to settle. I met a girl who was seven years sober in the same program as I was. She was funny, she was attractive ...Continue Reading

Dealing with EmotionsI went to pick up a parcel only to realize that it would not fit in my packsack, so I asked the clerk to keep it and I would come back. The gentleman in the line behind me offered to drive me home with my big parcel if I could wait for him to mail his. I was very surprised and happy because that would save me a lot of trouble. I live very close. We talked and exchanged business cards since we are both artists, and his field would be useful to mine. So far everything was fine. But as soon as he left, ...Continue Reading

https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/22-CoDA-MiP-March-2022-Ed.-22.pdf  Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "Gift of Renewal" MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with CoDA's foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.& ...Continue Reading

“….and other systems”I had wondered about the addition of “...and other systems.” to the Welcome when it took place some years ago. Here was this statement CoDA members heard over and over at every meeting attended. What important understanding is being asked of me?It happens that I personally feel more included by it. The family I grew up in was a solid, nurturing family of eight children who went on to responsible lives of contributing one way or another. Yet, I struggled for half a century with not accepting myself. ...Continue Reading

Last night I attended my very first CoDA meeting after reading every book I could find and researching codependency ceaselessly. My codependency is undeniable. My relationships have become much healthier due to my understanding of codependency; however, I need tools. I need a community of people who feel the same way I do and understand my challenges. When I turned my microphone on in the meeting, all I could do was cry. The wave of emotions took me by complete surprise. I am so grateful for this community and cannot wa ...Continue Reading

Affirmations and LessonsI am enough. I’m recovering nicely. Thanks, 🙏 God. The steps work. Sponsors make it easier. Meetings, where miracles happen.I’m exactly where I need to be. Easy does it. I wouldn’t be here if God didn’t want me here. We are blessed.Accept what is. O D A T. One day at a time. Feel the feeling. Let go and let God. Pray 🙏. Play. Give thanks. Gratitude grows.If we spot it, we got it. Promises happen. Thanks for the lessons. Enough God. Time heals. This is a we program. Trust me program. Progress.How ...Continue Reading

I entered CoDA as a confirmed atheist. Yes, I read God in the CoDA literature. The word is everywhere, and I read it without thought. At some point I felt better, and I knew this program would work for me. A few weeks later I realized CoDA is a God Program. I had a dilemma: renounce atheism which was an important aspect of my intellectual bulwark or accept CoDA, God and all. The decision was easy, I thought. CoDA was working; years of therapy did not work.Everything went smoothly; until Step Three. I worked Step Three f ...Continue Reading

AcceptanceAll my life I have struggled to be what I wanted to be. Sometimes I did things well and felt good about that; most times it was just daily routine or worse, never very satisfying. Then I discovered CoDA and the many ways my thoughts were the source of the churning in my gut. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop the thoughts; the churning continued.Then one morning as I woke up, I had a new thought, “What if, as an experiment, I decided to accept myself, including faults, strengths, everything, as I am at this moment? ...Continue Reading

Just a few years ago, I never would have believed what would become one of my favorite CoDA sayings: “Blame keeps wounds open, and forgiveness lets wounds heal.” I was too busy blaming, shaming, and seeking revenge on my alcoholic spouse for years of abuse.I've slowly come to realize I was a willing participant on that roller coaster ride. It was easier to blame someone else over and over, to ignore my own defects and to turn a blind eye, than to face my own fears; so easy to deny the facts, so difficult to face them; s ...Continue Reading

Step FourPutting myself on the list was a big eye-opener. I recognized how others rejected and abused me. I treated myself the way my mother taught me to treat myself. But I never realized or thought about how I had abandoned myself, abused myself, neglected myself, punished myself; in other words, continued the cycle. This was a totally new concept to me.I had to look at how I had rejected my Higher Power by taking things into my own hands and making a mess of my life. I set aside my moral compass. I sought out sex whe ...Continue Reading

A Brother, Boundaries, and AbuseThis is what I texted to my brother after his repeated texts about vaccines upon which we profoundly disagree, “I thought we agreed not to talk about this stuff. Please respect my boundaries around vaccine talk.”His response was a barrage of texts, name-calling, wishing me ill-will etc. I blocked him on text, so I wouldn’t be subject to his abuse. Now should I block his phone calls? Emails? Forever? How long? I sent him the rest of the money I’d been “stewarding” for him. In the past he h ...Continue Reading

Shy’s Personal Step One PrayerGod, I thank You for showing me just how powerless I am over another, and just how unmanageable my life had become - for I was blinded by my codependency. Thank You for opening my eyes and showing me that the only person I have control over is myself.God, You’ve shown me that controlling others is a false sense of security; that looking to others for direction doesn’t support me living my own life; that I have been intruding upon other’s journeys by being in their business; that thinking in ...Continue Reading

I came into the rooms of CoDA 5 1/2 years ago. My life was truly unmanageable and crazy due to the relationship with my mother. It had become so extreme I had to medicate myself just to go visit her and offer the help that she needed.The first time I heard the Patterns and Characteristics I knew I was home. I was finally in a room with people willing to talk about their painful experiences and offer hope.I jumped in with both feet. I faithfully attended three meetings every week. Eventually I found a sponsor and began w ...Continue Reading

From Scared to SacredOr, From Scarred to Sacred. I am scarred. I was scared. My life is becoming sacred. And everything that has led me to this point has helped me to create this sacred life. I now know what I want and do not want in my life. No other person directs the course of my life. I am self-directed and pray to my Higher Power for guidance and wisdom constantly.I like how the letters in scared can be moved to create the word sacred. I like how I have moved from a place of fear to a place of connection with my Hi ...Continue Reading

Call For New Submissions! Have any of the Weekly Readings or Meetings-in-Print been helpful or thought-provoking for you?Please tell us how CoDA has impacted your life. Sharing your experience, strength and hope may help thousands of codependents still suffering. Everybody in CoDA has a recovery story to tell.Consider submitting your story and sharing your insight with other CoDA members! Email: wr@coda.orgSome Possible Topics: (Could include, but not limited to)1. Sharing Strength and Hope How CoDA and the 12 Step ...Continue Reading

My Coda Experience, Hope and RecoveryI joined CoDA meetings in June 2021, after a series of unhealthy codependent relationships including a marriage of six years. I got over $10,000 in debt in my most recent relationship. I bought a car and furniture for my partner, and became incarcerated (for 14 days) when trying to break up a fight that he was involved in. I was charged with assault amongst other charges. Afterwards I realized it was time that I make some positive changes to improve myself and my life.Thankfully, I h ...Continue Reading

Steps 1, 2, and 3 in Action Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.“Delivery exception. Incorrect address-apartment/suite number,” was the latest shipping company’s delivery update status for a package my husband and I were excitedly awaiting. Dread instantly filled the pits of my stomach, then annoyance made its way up to my chest, and then anger filled my heart, my face, turning it I’m sure red! Isn’t it amazing how quickly we go from one emotion to the next?I call ...Continue Reading

I joined CoDA in September 2019, and that was my first experience with 12 Steps. In CoDA I have learned about my codependent behaviors and how they are not who I am. I have mourned the damage that my codependence has inflicted on my children, my co-workers, and the suffering it has caused me.I can now identify my behaviors when I am in them or shortly afterwards. I now look for internal validation. This has been and continues to be very challenging for me.  My initial reaction is to seek to have my needs met extern ...Continue Reading