Learning Boundaries I walked into the rooms feeling tired of being tired. Thinking I have spent all I could to have a good life and it’s just not so.I was aware the man I was dating for eight years, on and off, was a drug to me and was killing me more than giving me any high. I wanted out but had no idea how or if I had the energy to do it. I tried before, only to return to the poison he gave me. I lived off being the victim. I can look back now knowing I enjoyed sharing my sorry life with others because it gave me vali ...Continue Reading

Wanted: CoDA Recovery StoriesEverybody in CoDA has a recovery story to tell. What’s yours?Sharing your experience, strength and hope may help thousands of codependents still suffering. You don’t need to be a professional writer. If you want help getting your thoughts on paper, let us know. Once a story is written and approved, our editors clean up spelling, grammar and punctuation.It’s important that stories are written using “I” statements that stay in alignment with the principles of Co-Dependents Anonymous. Within th ...Continue Reading

Affirming a New Way Here are some affirmations and words of wisdom shared by one of our subscribers.  I am enough.  I have enough. I am what I eat. Think. Believe. I wouldn't be here if God didn't want me here. I am recovering. Thanks, God. Enjoy the journey.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Even if it feels overwhelming. "If" is a huge two letter word.  Deliver us from ego. CoDA is a spiritual program. We can choose a ...Continue Reading

Learning the Truth Was Not as Easy as I Thought It Would Be After more than 3.5 years in CoDA I decided I could face getting my Adoption Disclosure documents. I applied in early June and got them this week (last of October). I was really excited to see them. My biggest question was “how many foster homes did I live in?” Well, the answer turned out to be only 1 but I was alone in the hospital for 10 days. There was a letter accompanying the Record indicating that much of the contents could be triggering an ...Continue Reading

Letting Go of VictimhoodI grew up in rural Oklahoma during the 1950s and 1960s, surrounded by family. My mother was one of nine siblings—three brothers and six sisters—which resulted in 30 first cousins on her side alone. When I was nine, my parents built a house next to my maternal grandparents, so most of my evenings and weekends were spent with those relatives. While the adults visited, I often found myself among cousins and relatives, feeling isolated as one of the younger ones. Many relatives seemed quick to put me ...Continue Reading

I Can ChangeBefore I started CoDA I was filled with rage. I didn’t even know what rage was. I knew I was angry. I knew I was resentful. I knew I felt fear, but I didn’t know that rolled altogether this created rage. I grew up in a rage filled home. My father would get explosively angry and bite his fists. Occasionally his fists would “bite“ someone else who got in his way. I heard stories and even witnessed a few of those physical altercations during my childhood. He never hit his children, but fear of his explosiv ...Continue Reading

                                                                               CourageStep Four – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.The spiritual principle of this Step is courage. For the longest time I thought that I was courage impaired. I believe that if I would have had courage in my past, my ...Continue Reading

Things Are GoodThings are good. Saying that sounds so ho-hum but looking back at my journey in CoDA the last two and a half years I know how much it has taken to reach “things are good”. “Things are good” doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges and problems to be solved but their weight is so much lighter these days. I’m resilient in a way I’ve never experienced. Other people’s problems are theirs and I am detached in a way that still leaves room for love and warmth. I walk around my urban community and take drives in ...Continue Reading

Diving Into RecoveryMy therapist had mentioned the word "codependency" many times in our sessions over the last 4 years. I had taken the quizzes, read the books, I understood it, but I didn't "get it". I was reading a book about navigating breakups, and the author suggested CoDA as a resource for those looking for community and support. To be honest, I didn't think she was serious and if she was, there was no way that such a group would exist in my area. It was 5:30 in the evening when I ran an inter ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Serenity, Strength and Spiritual Growth” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-December-2024-Ed.-33.pdf MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmation ...Continue Reading

In My Higher Power’s TimeI came into CoDA 15 years ago and it's been quite a journey. I hope this helps another person in Recovery exercise gentleness, patience & a loving compassion towards themselves.The highlights of my short story here are to recognize as a Co-Dependent how far I've come; how I'm practicing daily not to compare myself to others as well as not judge myself harshly.I'll start by sharing that I've needed to learn slowly how to trust the process, my awareness and slow healing and my next step. I rea ...Continue Reading

The Road to Serenity, PeacePart of learning to love myself is being unafraid to show myself. I am an artist and a poet, even if not professionally. There is nothing more authentic to being me, than revealing this side of myself that I usually keep hidden within the pages of endless journals never really seen. This year, I challenge myself to be authentic in all ways.I am learning to rid myself of my Peacemaker self, embrace my ugly shadow self, and learn to love all of me. I struggle immensely when I see people yelling ...Continue Reading

In This Moment I Am Convinced of the Benefits of Daily AffirmationsAt any moment during my day, I can recite an affirmation. This act instantly shifts my mindset, steering me away from feelings of disappointment in myself or others. I take a moment to reflect before overcommitting to someone else's dire situation or a relationship that ensnares me in a relentless cycle of self-sacrifice. Through affirmations, meditation, and self-reflection, I gauge the extent of myself I'm willing to share or invest the moment I sense ...Continue Reading

Healing with the CoDA PromisesI will heal by working the CoDA programme and by using the 12 Promises as my affirmations:As I heal:I am going to ‘know a new sense of belonging’ and within that freedom I will grow.I will gradually learn how to ‘overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity’.This will create ‘a new freedom’ I have never experienced before.I will hold on to the thought that as I work my CoDA programme, I will ‘be released from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present’.I will be awa ...Continue Reading

Growth Through Service What does it mean to me to be a trusted servant? I recently attended my first CoDA Service Conference (CSC). It was quite the experience! There were several opportunities for me to put my program tools to work.First, the traveling itself comes with its own set of stresses: booking a flight, packing, navigating TSA, customs, and figuring out ground transportation. Then the preparation to speak at the conference. Pretty unnerving for me to get up and speak in front of a large group of people.I ...Continue Reading

I’m in the Right PlaceThe story of my life. I am related to Priya.Hello friends,I have a story about myself that I caused a lot of pain before I came to my CoDA family...I am the child of divorce, the first child of a family from a middle-class religious society, with a philandering stepfather and a devoted mother. The guardianship of my two younger siblings was entrusted to me. Of course, from the stepfather who did not fulfill his own responsibility and put this on my shoulders.My childhood was not so difficult. My ad ...Continue Reading

God, Who Am I?Since I've been to two CoDA meetings, I'm beginning to confirm my situation in life. On May 4, 2024, my two kids and I made a move to another city to live with my younger sister and her husband. At first, I was doing what I always do, which is cleaning, cooking, and sometimes babysitting.I felt joy for three weeks, then my feelings surfaced, the ones I always hid. I thought to myself, what is going on? I was being the savior of my sister's marriage and trying to help her as always. I sided with her, I trus ...Continue Reading

Unconditional LoveHi, I'm Jason. A codependent in recovery. All of my life I've felt like I didn't belong, like I didn't fit in and that if someone really got to know me that would be cause for them to leave. I thought that as far as relationships were concerned, to really know me was to leave me and if you didn't know me then you couldn't hurt me.I thought that since my primary relationship was with my father and he abandoned me at an early age.Today in recovery I see that my primary relationships are with myself and m ...Continue Reading

“Flooding” as My TeacherI learned about the concept of flooding when I first joined CoDA three years ago.  I heard someone share about their problem with flooding in what is now my home group.  And I kept hearing people mentioning it as we spoke on CoDA phone calls.  For me, it means that I speak usually quickly and in long diatribes often fueled by resentment and fear.  At these times, I literally “flood” the conversation, like water flooding a neighborhood during a hurricane, only I use words and e ...Continue Reading

Never AloneI have just realized that I am not in my childhood anymore. The people who hurt me then are long gone and my environment now is safe. So why am I clenching my jaw, cowing my head, rehearsing what I might say, swearing inside? There's no need to do those things anymore.CoDA has taught me that there is a me that exists free of the coping strategies and mechanisms of survival mode. I am that me, and my Higher Power fuels that me - always has her back, knows her path and guides her, will never leave her alone.I m ...Continue Reading

I walked out of my first CoDA meeting halfway through. The fear was too much. But in that short time, something, someone, or just a feeling stuck with me, and I returned the next week. So started a journey, that I call "knowing and growing self". Each meeting, each step was an uncovering of who I was. Those glimpses kept me going and kept me moving forward. Sometimes I got it wrong, but I learned and returned. This realization that recovery was not a straight line and freedom is earned became that basis for my ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Pathway to Recovery” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-September-2024-Ed.-32.pdf  MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers. Th ...Continue Reading

A New CanvasI first learned about CoDA during college after I tried to take my life. Needless to say, I did not stay in CoDA. During college, Dad had died, I was hundreds of miles away from home and my entire life I felt alone, full of fear, and hopeless. I dropped out of college after the attempt, needing only 6 credit hours to complete my bachelor’s degree. At that point I realized I needed help from all the past trauma I had experienced growing up in a dysfunctional family of alcoholic parents. I covered my trauma wi ...Continue Reading

AcceptanceSelf-esteem. It’s interesting to think about what that word means. How do I esteem myself? What do I think of who I am?For most of my life I let others make that decision for me. I was a people pleaser. I let what others thought of me define who I was. In recovery, I’m learning who I am. I am growing. I am more self-aware in knowing my strengths and my weaknesses.Because I am learning who God—my higher power—is and how I am loved just as I am. I can admit when I make a mistake, realizing I, myself, am not a mi ...Continue Reading

A Grateful CodependentAgain Dad, again you let me down and again it still hurts like when I was younger......I'm not young anymore I'm a full-grown adult and again it still hurts.Now I can get up and not attend your arguments.....I can feel your insanity and know it's time to leave the room - I can take my inner child by her hand look at her lovingly and say "we're not staying here" and I take her to safety, bringing her where we can garden and listen to beautiful meditation music sitting in the sun with our d ...Continue Reading

I wrote this recently. CoDA and other programs have been such a great support to me. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on me and that's what matters most."Sometimes the Worry Monster Wins"It's been years of taming this thing, this visceral, scared, thing. Years of trying to give it a name, of trying to put it into words, of crying through it in the dark, dirty nights. For so long, nothing helped. For so long, I let it take my hand, pull me, to the ground, to the left, to the back. But slowly, through friends wh ...Continue Reading

Step 8 – ForgivenessMade a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. When I first thought about this step, I had only four people on my list: my husband and my three children. And as I was thinking about the ways I had hurt them, I realized I was still stuck on how they had hurt me! And how is my list only four people? I have been codependent for a long time—and not just with my family.So, I started with a list of the people that had hurt me. At the top of the list was my husband ...Continue Reading

I started going to CoDA meetings nearly a year ago. Prompted by my therapist who suggested I'd be well-served by a 'community' who was suffering in similar ways, I went to an in-person Wednesday evening group to see if it was the medicine I'd been seeking. Slowly then suddenly, hearing people talk about boundaries - their struggle to maintain them and yet their subsequent joy that came from learning why they struggled in the first place - gave me so much peace. It made me feel less broken. It made me feel worthwhile... ...Continue Reading

An Anatomy of My CoDA SlipLast year I was doing our annual taxes and getting pretty obsessed. I was hoping my wife would edit the tax document to make sure I hadn’t made any errors, especially because she had expressed interest in helping out more with our finances. After dinner, I asked her to sit down on my computer to take a look. She said something like, “Sure, I’ll do it later.” I saw no reason why she couldn’t have done it immediately. Waiting for her, my impatience, hurt, and resentment grew. I tried to let it go ...Continue Reading

Codependency  ‘I’ll mold myself into whatever you need me to be’I told myself, drunk with CODEPENDENCY,I’ll twist myself to meet your need,I’ll remake myself to appease your greed,“Whatever you need Me to be,”I say, as I people please,Yet the cruel reality is that youCannot see the real me,Codependency has hijacked my reality,It’s a pity, you see,Because who I am without thee,Is quite honest and quite free,If I just got rid of this damn codependency!”  When I healed my codependency,I remembered this story ...Continue Reading

Unraveling Coping Mechanisms From ChildhoodI take this opportunity not to regurgitate debilitating pain, but to gently arrive at a new understanding of the effects of pain from my childhood, that I realised I still carried with me as an adult.To work through the layers, it is hugely important that I admit that my childhood experiences negatively impacted how I have perceived myself as an adult. My aim for this experience was to overcome the trauma that had dogged me throughout my adulthood as an effect of the pain I end ...Continue Reading

Growth Through Healing My Inner ChildI feel that I’m super strong but I’m extremely emotionally tender.Often, I have found myself being the only one in a setting that was upset over something. I never could understand how or why it didn’t upset the others too. For years it would happen again and again. Same thing, only it got much worse the older I got because it needed tending to and I was too busy trying to fit in with everyone else and ignoring my entire being crying out for help.I began to notice the expressions on ...Continue Reading

This poem was inspired by my Step 3 and Step 11 recovery work.  That stated, it is intended to show that despite my progress in recovery, surrendering to my HP as well as meditation is still a "process" and often that process involves internal struggle. Now Exhale InhaleI am humbled by inner hurricaneswhile clutching this red rosetightthen white, yellow, pink rosesparade throughas mirrored haras* opennow clutching tightermy red petals bleedthen drip downpast thorny green veined stemlittering the ...Continue Reading

Being Willing to Hand My Will OverHi CoDA,I was a sexually abused and traumatized person and have had complex issues and have been traumatized by the whole experience. As a result, I became lost, isolated, and lost my identity and became codependent on other people. I then became unwell and got a diagnosis of autoimmune disease. I was physically disabled and had to have help daily with my personal care, while having multiple operations and treatment. In the process, I had all my joints replaced and some of my organs rem ...Continue Reading

mother’s garden where does the linebegin?—I am ending ithereI amending ithereI am so afraidbut I amending it hereI’m lostin whatI was given but it ends—here—deep in my wombmemories ofwoundspassed downfrom motherto motherto motherto meI carry the weightof the womenwho carried the weightof me—and I am so, so heavy. the line is drawn—h—e—r—e—no more daughtersto carry the shameno more sonsspreading the blameno more hatred no more griefno more begging“stay, please—“I end ithereI end itnowI lit the matchI’m burning it do ...Continue Reading

The Way Out Is ThroughI can’t tell you how many times I have said the words “The way out is through.” I have said them, thought them, and more importantly lived them. I thought about them again recently when I heard someone talk about grief. I have learned that talking about my grief helps me to heal. Keeping the grief inside is too much to handle alone.Their words took me back to my own black hole with loneliness. Loneliness goes to the core of my being. CoDA has helped me begin to shed some light on the darkness and t ...Continue Reading

She Made a Whole New LifeShe survived the big fight and was ready to live.She took a big leap and crossed the final bridge.She felt the air in between the ramp and the plane.She lifted her foot and thought, "this is it".She sat down and they asked her one thing."Are you headed home?"She looked out at the wing.She replied, "...yeah, I guess I am".She found peace that day despite the unknown.Just one suitcase and her foundation from back home.She arrived so tired and now full of grief.What wa ...Continue Reading

Turning Humans Into Loving PeopleBefore I came to CoDA, I was in the habit of calling people "humans." I tended to use this term only half-jokingly as an accurate description of alienation, abuse, and abandonment I sometimes felt in my interactions with my fellow sufferers. I had been in CoDA for only six months, and I was starting to feel some hope that it would be possible for me to experience more healthy and loving relationships. But due to my pretty extreme avoidance patterns and a curmudgeonly nature (am ...Continue Reading

What Took Me So LongAlthough I always had everything a child could want and need, I never felt loved by my parents. I always felt as though I was in the way. Wanting love so desperately, I married at 18 and remained committed to the marriage well past its expiration date. Decades of incompatibility had made us a toxic couple. Of course, I didn’t understand these feelings at the time. It’s only recently become clear to me.Around October 2019, I had an awakening. I was sitting quietly alone late one night when a subtle wa ...Continue Reading

I Honour Me Dear Me,The same Me who failed MeWho derailed against better intentionsWho failed to mention boundariesConfounded by the sound of consciousnessBewildered and distrusting of My own gutShamed by the lust of whatever rush was in front of MeTeenaged and hungry……I honour TheeFor every hard moment after waking up, You’re there for meInstead of judging, You care for MeMake space so I can lay bare My fear of scarcityAnd without question, You cherish MeWhatever unfairness comes to be, I feel held by your unendin ...Continue Reading

Happy, Joyous, and FreeGetting help with codependency has been a journey. I relapsed with 16.5 years of sobriety and 15 years in Al-Anon, and mentioned to my therapist that I thought I needed codependency treatment. She didn't agree, and so we kept on the path we were on. I did recover from that relapse and I'm grateful. Felt really good for many years, and then 2 years ago, with nearly 8 years of sobriety again, I felt like I wanted to die, or that my husband had to die. It seemed like the only way out of the pain I wa ...Continue Reading

My Primary PurposeI felt called by my HP today to share. It’s been heavy on my mind. I was thinking about this last night. I have been thinking about my primary purpose the last several days as well. I can say that before coming into CoDA, I did not know what I wanted to pursue in life aside from a relationship and marriage. It’s been a hard one because of the individual I was engaged to. Looking back in hindsight, I have realized a few things out of the chaos and tragedies that have occurred...I believe my HP gave me m ...Continue Reading

The Work: A Poem of Recovery This dysfunction and Codependency was not mine in the beginning.But was driven into meBy circumstances I could not control.My little one, a child, who resides deep within,Is hiding alone… filled with fear and anxiety from the things that hurt so long ago. She wants to know she is loved. She wants to know she is ok. She wants to know she can be just a child.The rebellious adolescent, who still longs to be seen. Who no one heard, even less held….no comfort of love,is angry, defiant, and r ...Continue Reading

Rabbit HolesI have 22 months in CoDA. My therapist recommended it. My mother was an adult child of an alcoholic. If you had told me 22 months ago, that one of the most difficult steps in the program for me would be the 12th Step, I wouldn’t have believed you. After all, who has a problem with service? Well, I guess I do. It has a lot to do with my previous career. In my late teens until my mid-30’s I was a minister. I thought I knew what service was. I went to seminary, have a master’s degree in Theology, and served two ...Continue Reading

Precious & Free  What do you mean, Does that really apply to ME?!  When I joined CoDA It was years in the making Of giving, of losing, Heart and soul up for the taking  Identity lost, If I ever had one of my own Walking into a meeting The first step, felt an impossible one  My life WAS unmanageable I scrawled in the linings What would manageable even look like?? Now, 3 months in, I've started to see the light  Higher ...Continue Reading

*I Finally See Me*How do I want to start? What do I want to say? What if no one reads it? What if they don't publish it? What if people read it and they hate it?  Rewrite it. Start over.  It's not good enough.  Nothing is ever good enough.  Why do I bother? I never do anything right. I'm such a failure. I should just disappear. People that I love would be better off without me. I just make things worse for them anyway. just look at my mom and dad and ex-husband and ex-fiancé; Look at my kids.. ...Continue Reading

Life’s Greatest Test To be needed or wanted, put on life’s scales…The unknown’s, undone’s, painful despair…But what if the middle is really the blend…Found safe in the place of a loving friend… The road less traveled with much to see…The depths of compassion and being free…To be accepted and celebrated without contest…Or back against the wall and weight to press… A simple vacuum where time stands still…A place of peace and safety, acceptance fills…Where knowledge shared and collectively built…Like a house ...Continue Reading

Now Programming Self-loveCoDA (Codependents Anonymous) recovery has brought sincere positive changes to my life and has helped me to change my old programming in promises of a new one.One of the Promises that has been fulfilled through this program is "The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear". In my codependency, I often felt depleted and alone, despite being in a room full of others. However, through the support and guidance of CoDA, I have learned to address the root causes of my codependency ...Continue Reading

Minding My Own Business Minding My Own BusinessI started attending 12-Step meetings when I met a man who was in AA. I attended Al-Anon and ACA, and then Nar-Anon. All were helpful, but somehow something was missing. Then, I found CoDA!I grew up in a family where sibling rivalry was so bad it was actually violent. Our parents only showed favor to one of us and ignored the rest. Five of us fought to be that favored child in the sun for a brief time before being cast into the darkness while another one of us got to be ...Continue Reading

Using My Tools“You may have breast cancer. We need a biopsy to find out.”These words rocked my world. My life suddenly became unmanageable. My mind started reeling and spinning out of control.So grateful that I had spent the weekend at a CoDA retreat. It was amazing! I made new friends and rekindled old friendships. Saturday night we had a bonfire. I threw my feelings of insignificance into the fire pit. Replacing those old false beliefs I had been holding on to with truths: I am enough. I am lovable. I matter. I deserv ...Continue Reading

An Opportunity to HealI hear an opening share at my local CoDA meeting about gratitude and my self-pity bristles with antagonism like my dog bristles himself right out of the tub at bath time. The good news is I realize that gratitude is the antidote for my self-pity, and I don't have to stay here, stuck.Sometimes I am brimming over with joy and freedom, and I can identify that my HP will guide me to look thoughtfully forward, towards my journey because it's going to be better than I can imagine. Some days I am flat on ...Continue Reading

Learning to Thrive Hello, my name is Sean, and I am a grateful, recovering codependent.“Yes, having a major trauma happen to you at age 8 does affect your entire life!” This was the first time I had heard this message. I was in therapy for porn addiction and my therapist said it was ok to recognize my past traumas and that they have an impact on me today as an adult.My journey to CoDA started after a divorce of 25 years. My life completely revolved around my family. I had friends and hobbies, but I really had no purpose ...Continue Reading

I am a recovering codependent who was in a long-term partnership with an addict. I recently began writing poetry verses to capture that experience. Below are two that deal with my patterns:BamboozledMy eyes are open, there is no denying the cluesMy gut sends a flash warning— things are not copaceticI finally trust myself again, but one conversation with you and the cunning deflection of your word salad leaves me questioning, wondering, as you masterfully plant that seed of doubtSuddenly I’m not so sure, I watch myself b ...Continue Reading

We all have different feelings about CoDA from time to time. Our feelings are not always positive, but those feelings are a part of recovery too. - Mike H.CODA-SHMODAThat is how I have been feeling lately. CoDA-Shmoda. I don’t even know if that is a word, but it makes me smile. I have been in CoDA about 20 months. I attended a meeting in person for most of that time and occasionally jumped into a meeting online. I stopped going to the meeting I had been going to a couple of months ago and have tried other in-person and ...Continue Reading

Happy to Be HereI’m so happy to be here! CoDA was casually mentioned to me by a friend while she was talking about her life. That word instantly caught my attention and I wanted to know more but I was embarrassed to ask and to be judged. I have heard that word almost all my life but never really understood it. One day I decided to text her to ask how I can be a part of CoDA. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.I have been a codependent all my life. My dad was a functional alcoholic and my mom always tried to con ...Continue Reading

 A Servant Heart Helps Heal My SpiritHi, I'm soon to be 78, and I am God-willing a recovering codependent. I have been a codependent all my life. My mom was a good teacher. My dad was an angry controlling alcoholic. My mom was codependent to him.I had a sad childhood, always a disappointment to my dad. He wanted a boy. I tried all my childhood to be a people pleaser. Trying to be perfect in every way. I still struggle with that in some areas but now with better motives. I got pregnant at 16 on purpose so I could ge ...Continue Reading

The Long RoadMy name is Christine, and I am a gratefully recovering codependent. I just celebrated 10 years in CoDA. This program has changed my life in so many ways. The Promises continue to come true for me. And I finally love and value myself.It was a long road. My people-pleasing and need to control led me into twenty years of relationships with emotionally unavailable rageaholics, repeating the uncomfortable and fear-filled relationship I had with my father. I did everything for my partners. Everything! But got abu ...Continue Reading

*Grace* Frustrated. Sad.Caught up in extremesOf relationship feelings.This too shall pass. Angry, who’s to blame?Shocked. “They” forgot.“They” made other plans.What about me? Hurt? Of course. Assumptions?Absolutely! Layers of storiesaffirming worst fear: not enough.Mistaken beliefs, past life of lies. Insecurity stoking codependent fire.Can’t push down, shouldn’t catastrophize.Grieving, just wanted to connect.Yet angry, surely now detach is better? Torn by polar opposites.Conflicting emotions, a ...Continue Reading

A Life Without ShameI can't imagine a life without shame, despite how unhealthy it is for me. I continue to follow it and self pity (which for me is shame and victimhood mixed together) down the highway to hell... and to me that's the powerlessness. Step 1 mentions powerlessness and unmanageability. A lot of my Step 1 work deals with understanding what that looks like in my life. What was suggested to me was to act as if and transform the shame into guilt using the tools of CoDA and the accountability from Steps 4 and 5 ...Continue Reading

Freedom Is RealI finally decided to be true to myself and end a thirty-year marriage to an alcoholic. I was scared, lonely, and unable to properly communicate with others my needs and wants in life. Now I’m at the end of my first year on my own.I've had to learn what I want in life and understand that what I do matters to myself and others. Understanding the true meaning of what it takes to love and care for others. Saying no is not bad. And a positive attitude in living every day with myself does matter.As I grow and l ...Continue Reading

Finding Someone to Love I found this dating app and I am getting to know someone. This person is codependent but is in recovery and is a wonderful, kind, gentle, caring, romantic, good and big-hearted human being. They are precious and unique and want to be loving, lovable and loved.As I get to know this person, I can see they have been hurt a lot in their life, but in recovery they are healing and want nothing more than to have a healthy and loving relationship. I want to treat this person right, give them all that I n ...Continue Reading

Step Nine Promises HappenI feel sad. Tired. A bit overwhelmed. Old at 82. I cry often. At night, going to bed. When I wake up in the morning. Some in broad daylight.Stressed. Wife has a new ankle. Recovering better than me with my new knees. Something tells me not to compare.Sad that so many friends are dying, and knowing we are in our overtime. Favorite brother-in-law just died after brief bout with pancreatic cancer. His wife/my sister hasn't communicated with me for years, at her request.I just set my twin some bound ...Continue Reading

A Beautiful GiftI’m Carmen, a grateful Member of CoDA.I came to CoDA desperate, afflicted and terrified! I had made the decision to separate from my husband, who I’d been married to for 20 years, with 3 children, all of them minors. I had thought that this relationship would be lifelong, but no…I was overwhelmed by a relationship that had been damaged by lies, dishonesty, lack of responsibility, control, and complacency on my part.I hit rock bottom…it was like throwing myself into the void, with only one income, debts i ...Continue Reading

Lilana’s StoryThe peace of mind that having a love, a relationship gives me is a pseudo security. It doesn’t belong to me!As my sponsor says, “Whatever has the power to make you happy also has the power to make you unhappy when it’s gone.” I believe that this is how I can define codependence and my current sentimental state. Of course, I have to admit to all the missing and crying after a breakup.The bad thing is to live the catastrophe that I have come through – in a loop, moreover, where I don’t feel as if I’m fit, en ...Continue Reading

Loving MyselfHello my name is Ravyn and I’m codependent. In December of 2022 I attempted to take my own life and nearly succeeded, I felt hopeless. I had convinced myself I was not built for this world, I couldn’t understand what I did to deserve the isolation and abandonment I was going through. I thought I had dedicated myself to my wife, kids and loved ones, I worked hard, was faithful, and prioritized them over me even after being cheated on. Even after the separation we were very cordial, I wasn’t out for revenge, ...Continue Reading

Chronic & CoDABefore coming back to CoDA last year, I was in denial of my codependency. I was in deep grief over the loss of my dog. I was suppressing my feelings and avoiding them because it was too much to bear.Since coming back to CoDA, I've learned the value of letting myself feel my feelings, learning that it's okay to not be okay all the time, and even though I'm not as recovered as I would like to be, I feel less alone, knowing I have people I can reach out to especially if I start to spiral.My higher power e ...Continue Reading

Focus on Myself I have a recovery friendship best bud and he is not living his life and prioritizing his recovery how I would want him to. He is not up to my standards, and it looks wrong and dangerous. However, he is ok. I forget he has a higher power too. What was revealed to me through several nightly inventories was that I resent him. I feel abandoned ... old messages pop up that I'm not good enough for choosing ... so then I get critical of him. If he’s gonna leave me, I'm gonna leave first and I'm gonna ...Continue Reading

It Was a Cup of CoffeeI started to attend CoDA meetings about 17 months ago. My mother was an adult child of an alcoholic and I identify with many of the patterns of behavior. My relationship with CoDA has evolved. Like any meeting, there are times when I get a lot out of the meetings and other times when I don’t. There are times when I have wanted to stop going. My therapist has encouraged me to look at the meetings as a laboratory of what may be happening in other parts of my life and my feelings about it. That is sou ...Continue Reading

ChoicesI was in a marriage to a sick person with sexual abuse issues. A friend saw my suffering and took me to my first 12-Step meeting. While I was learning, growing, and working the Steps in CoDA I gained hope, knowledge, courage, and realized I DO have choices.I remember hearing the readings at the beginning of a codependency meeting. I felt embarrassed that they were expressing my deepest secrets out loud! My shameful, debilitating, private feelings – yet the reading confirmed others felt this way too! Others felt i ...Continue Reading

Learning to Save MyselfMy name is Misty. I come from a rough childhood. Best I understand my sister took care of me as an infant. My sister, who was turning 1 in five days, still needed an enormous amount of attention. My mom was physically there but high on pills. I believe my sister at 13 was just trying to keep the newborn quiet. I have been self-isolating since I can remember. Along with other coping skills, I survived my sister leaving at 18, sexual molestation from family, to suggest a few. (Forgot chemical addict ...Continue Reading

Learning New ToolsI'm Lisa K. from Canada, and I've discovered I'm codependent.I found my way to these rooms via another 12-Step program (Nar-Anon) and find I identify more here. It's amazing and painful but also wonderful and I'm no longer alone in this struggle.Since I'm new to CoDA, I've been joining in on internet meetings and happily stumbled across a wonderful CoDA group meeting. The amazing lady that chaired was Jocelyn. She has helped me and many others and so this is her story of experience, strength & hope ...Continue Reading

The Courage to ChangeHi, I'm Mathew M. A grateful recovering codependent. I joined CoDA about two and half years ago. This was during a very difficult time in my life as I was in the throes of a failing marriage. Things had been going downhill for years, however, this became much more evident once I joined 12-Step recovery about 7 years ago. In sobriety I was desperate not to lose my marriage and had to face the consequences of the pain and hurt I had caused in my years of addiction. In true codependent fashion I flippe ...Continue Reading

An Enormous Gem Hiding in Plain SightI am grateful for learning boundaries at last. Having survived a childhood of profound abuse, I was vulnerable to dependent relationships, never having had my dependency needs met as a child.I felt completely stuck as a younger adult and the parent of numerous children. I could not begin to imagine how I would survive were I to leave a highly abusive relationship. When I heard about 12-Step recovery and experienced my first meetings, I had a strong paradigm shift. Without changing ci ...Continue Reading

Growth Through ServiceI came into CoDA just over three years ago. I had been in an on again, off again dysfunctional relationship. Something had to change. My patterns of behaviour in relationships were unhealthy and no longer served me well.I found CoDA and I never looked back. I joined a CoDA group quickly, which is still my home group. I found a sponsor – who I also still have today.With my sponsor I worked through the First 14 Days and found that they unpacked a lot of issues from my childhood. Whilst I am still wor ...Continue Reading

Convos With NewcomersIn my CoDA experience: newcomers reaching out, means I'm working with a newcomer which is service and leads to me getting outside myself for half a second and having a daily reminder that I need CoDA more than I realize. It can't bother me because as a sponsor I have developed boundaries: when I am unfit/unavailable physically or mentally I will not answer/respond. When I was a newcomer my sponsors asked me just reach out anyways, leave a message, text me and I'll get back to I as soon as I can; tur ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "We Our Finding Our Way" CoDA-MiP-September-2023-Ed.-28.pdfMiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDA foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.There is plenty of room for content in vario ...Continue Reading

The StepsSponsors work when we are ready to let go of control. Get to the promises. Do the work.I was kissing concrete. Needed help. God provided. Temporary sponsor reminded me of my father and other abusers. Eric has two years in a group that thrives on working the Steps. He suggested we work the Steps. Fast – to show how it works and that they work.We did! Perfectly imperfectly. When we finished Step 4 inventory, he asked, "Is that all?” Then added that more will be revealed, and we can handle that with Step 10. ...Continue Reading

My First CoDA ShareI was a sobbing mess when I attended my first CoDA telephone meeting. Even though I listened to people who seemed much more together than I was, I shakily hit the star six button, still crying. I blurted out how my ex-boyfriend broke my heart. When I was told I was heard, something changed in my life. I didn't get my usual “stop your crying” backlash. It was a new experience that's leading me on an incredible journey.All my life, from the time I was a little girl, my cries were quenched. When my cat d ...Continue Reading

Finding MeI came into CoDA ten months ago broken. My spirit, my body, my soul. A friend in another Fellowship recommended I come to a meeting. Within one minute I knew I was home amongst people who would get me.My backstory? I was twice divorced and had been going from one woman to another since I was 17. I had no sense of self-worth; I was in denial, and I needed help fast before I got into another toxic relationship. The depression had sunk in. The anxiety was at an all-time high. I couldn’t get out of bed. Rock botto ...Continue Reading

Living the Program Co-Dependence Anonymous has been a miraculous program for me. I joined CoDA in 2019 when I had 8 years previous Twelve Step experience in another Fellowship. I have and continue to work my steps in my other Fellowship; however, no step work has been as thorough and healing for me as the step work in Co-Dependents Anonymous.At five years of sobriety I found myself in a situation where I was conned and it affected me physically, spiritually and emotionally. My ego, pride and self-esteem were crushe ...Continue Reading

Self-AnalysisMy self-analysis has frequently been faulty. Sometimes I've failed to share my defects with the right people; at other times, I've confessed their defects, rather than my own; and at still other times, my confession of codependent defects has been more in the nature of loud complaints about my circumstances and my problems.Nevertheless, I think I've usually been able to make a fairly thorough and searching job of finding and admitting my personal defects. Yet this pretty well-ventilated condition is nothing ...Continue Reading

Getting to Know MyselfI am Esraa and I am Codependent.Before coming to CoDA Fellowship, I was suffering from a lack of management of my love life, and I used to get into a lot of toxic relationships. I didn't know why until I joined CoDA. While I was using the recovery tools, I discovered many of my personal flaws, and how they relate to growing up in a troubled family.I discovered the compulsive reasons that pushed me to enter into unhealthy relationships, and I learned to deal with them This happened after using recov ...Continue Reading

FreedomHi, my name is Bri. I'm definitely a codependent. I found this group a couple of weeks ago via the internet. I have been sober from alcohol for about 5 and a half years.I used to get so hung up over my ex-boyfriends. It took me a year to get over one. Two years to get over my son's father whom I was with, off and on, for a few years. He was abusive. Once that happened, I ended it, and never looked back. I lived in agony for those two years.One day I woke up and felt freedom. Maybe it was the new mood stabilizer I ...Continue Reading

AmendsWe were friends the last few decades, lovers way back when.1973 had been a horrible year. My father died, my house was broken into and emptied of everything of value, and I was incapable of coping. I withdrew, got into drugs, seeking oblivion, wanting to block out reality.Autumn in Charleston, South Carolina. Days of warm perfection, nights with a chill that pinked up the cheeks. I was unmoved, dead inside. I met him at a party I did not wish to attend. He was in a room by himself, a sailor playing his trumpet to ...Continue Reading

CoDA ToolsI have always heard the term codependent, but I really didn’t understand it. When I was 66 years old, I had a nervous breakdown.Growing up I was rarely made a priority. When my father passed away, I became my mother’s caregiver. Needless to say, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I hurt my daughter’s family terribly and I worried my family to death. I was deficient in B12 to the point where I could barely get up in the morning.I’ve had to make myself a priority, and it does not come easy! I was so happy to take c ...Continue Reading

Self-LoveI had no idea what love was, period, let alone self-love. My sponsor used to tell me repeatedly "if I talk to my friends the way I talk to myself, I wouldn't have any friends." But harsh and critical of myself and others was what love and care looked like in my family of origin.I had really terrible self-esteem when I came into CoDA. I can still have rough days with low self-esteem but today I can recognize that just because I feel low doesn't mean I am. Who does my program say I am? Am I sure these t ...Continue Reading

At the Foot of the Mountain This is the (I imagine) rare story of a pre-Step 1 codependent. The type of story I wish I could see more of. People who, like me, look at the recovery mountain they have to climb and tremble in fear.It has been the worst two months of my life. And as I read reports in the Blue Book and in this magazine, I almost feel ashamed to complain about mine. I didn't grow up abused or neglected to the degree many have. Yes, my parents fought a lot, and I got caught in the middle of their mind gam ...Continue Reading

My MedallionsMy daughter gave me a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift: a small wooden box for all my CoDA chips and medallions. The current one is displayed on the top. I love it! Didn’t know such a thing existed.Every day now I see my VII surrounded by the Serenity Prayer — a good reminder of how far I’ve come on my CoDA recovery journey. When I get stressed and fearful about speaking up for myself it’s good to reflect on where I’ve been and where I _want_ to be. I know the only way to get there is by walking throu ...Continue Reading

New BeginningsI have just recently joined CoDA. I, too, have been wanting to have a connective, healthy relationship with my partner, after two previous unsuccessful attempts! We even went into couple’s work. However, I am feeling his financial burdens, his health concerns, his attitude, neediness, is too much for me to bear daily. I need to find myself again. Instead of constantly catering for him to survive, medically, financially, and in spirit, I am losing my best self. I need my life back.Please, higher power, give ...Continue Reading

Meeting in Print (MiP), a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed "Finding Self in CoDA" https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-June-2023-Ed.-27.pdfMiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDA foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers.There is plenty ...Continue Reading

My Recovery Journey I feel very lucky to have found CoDA after emotionally spinning out for years, triggered by the Covid-19 pandemic, the everyday stresses of being a working parent, and significant shifts in my family dynamic, including the realization that my closest family member had been suffering in an emotional abusive relationship. Over time, in managing these crises and trauma, I found my responses to things (guilt, shame, panic, controlling, resentment) were only getting worse, not better. So, in February of 2 ...Continue Reading

A Music LessonAs with many codependents, my family of origin had its own version of craziness. I spent a lot of time bemoaning the dysfunction of my family of origin and wishing things were different. However, there was a positive force that was always in our house – music! I grew up listening and loving the Big Band music of my parents, the Rock and Roll of my older brother, and Motown/Beatles in my high school and college years. My love for music continued into the 80s music of my children and now the Kidz Bop and Ima ...Continue Reading

Why Am I Not Fixed Yet?I have recovered in the rooms of Adult Children of Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, SLAA & CoDA. I could ask ‘why so many Anonymous-es?’, but no not today! God & CoDA teach me lamenting over the ‘Why me’s’ area waste of my time. Besides, I ‘gotta’ get on with this business of loving on CindyAnn!My Higher Power, God, fills most of my days with joy and peace! I still, perhaps like many of us humans, cry and wrestle with the tough times of living in this world. But reco ...Continue Reading

 A Music LessonAs with many codependents, my family of origin had its own version of craziness. I spent a lot of time bemoaning the dysfunction of my family of origin and wishing things were different. However, there was a positive force that was always in our house – music! I grew up listening and loving the Big Band music of my parents, the Rock and Roll of my older brother, and Motown/Beatles in my high school and college years. My love for music continued into the 80s music of my children and now the Kidz Bop a ...Continue Reading

Discovering MyselfMy name is Jennifer, and I am codependent. I didn't realize that until two weeks ago when my partner had a fit of rage. This time he tore a door off its hinges. Seeing that and feeling that energy made me realize all my romantic relationships looked exactly the same. I am and have been dating men that were similar to my dad. Aloof. Loner-ish. Have some sort of substance abuse, depression, or temperament issue.Every. Single. Relationship. I shunned men who were "too nice" as I thought somethin ...Continue Reading

Finding HomeI came into CoDA to try to end the crazy cycle of damaging and destructive relationships I was in. Growing up in a dysfunctional home I was always looking for a safe place to call home. I was displaced at age16 when my parents split, and I moved 10 times in two years trying to find somewhere I felt “at home”. I thought a relationship was the key to my lost feelings and emptiness. Unfortunately, the relationships I was involved in were more damaging and I felt even more alone and “homeless”.I finally ended up ...Continue Reading

I Am Not Just What Happened to Me: I Am My ChoicesMy name is Sam, and I am a joyful codependent. I am an Iranian American fellow member of the program.I was always wondering what the reason for my codependency problem was. Then I concluded that something in my childhood must have caused the domino effect of codependency in my life!I was born in Iran when there was a war between Iran and the neighboring country Iraq in the 80s. We had no financial problems, but there were constant uncertainties and feelings of unsafe due ...Continue Reading

Returning to SanityToday I feel insane. I’ve been in recovery for three years now and this feeling of insanity inside of me has lessened. But today I am in the throes of it and confusion and uncertainty have set in. I’m experiencing anger, disappointment, resentment, false hope, obsession, and the need to let go of control. I find myself struggling between letting go of control and obsessing over the situation. It’s a tough situation and involves a family member that has serious mental illness.Today, I went to a meeting ...Continue Reading

Growing UpHi, I'm Ashley and I'm codependent. Growing up I've always relied on others to give me a sense of purpose, worth, safety and love but never allowed myself to find that from within. After a recent break up, looking back I realized that despite believing I was recovering, my codependency was very much running my life and my relationship.So, in mourning the loss of that relationship I have chosen to heal rather than to regret so that I may live in the present and not the past. I will remember that though my inten ...Continue Reading

Working My ProgramMy name is Catherine E. I have been in recovery and specifically CoDA for 30 years now. I have started and led meetings in a couple of different states, and I have sponsored people in the past. I have had co-sponsors and had a sponsor and been mentored throughout my journey by many women.To walk into a CoDA meeting takes great courage. It has been a very difficult job learning to let go and to stop controlling others; to trust in and believe that a higher power had my best interests at heart; to overco ...Continue Reading