My Dreams Are My Own

When I first came to Codependents Anonymous, I struggled to say “I’m Olive, I’m codependent” during group introductions. Only days before, my partner of 5 years had left in his car, drink in hand, never to return. Why did I stay so long? I endured name-calling, screaming fits, drugs of all kinds, and physical abuse. The reason was that I was hooked on enabling, addicted to being hurt and abandoned. It felt normal, I thought it was what I deserved.

When I showed up to CoDA, I wanted to understand if I was indeed codependent. One clue that I had codependent traits was that I could identify with what others shared during meetings. I compared my experiences and feelings to the literature called Patterns of Codependency and Recovery. This document divides the patterns into categories: Denial, Low Self-Esteem, Compliance, Control and Avoidance. One of the low self-esteem patterns that I identified with is: “Codependents often do not see themselves as lovable and worthwhile people.”

This belief affected my relationships by being drawn to unavailable people, often those with substance use disorders. I prioritized helping someone in distress and consequently put my needs last. There never seemed to be enough time to devote to the things that mattered to me. I suffered as my dreams died. I attempted to live vicariously instead of living my own life fully.

Slowly, things have changed. Now I am in my third year of recovery. I have started to recognize myself as a lovable and worthwhile person. I found a statement that moved me in literature from CoDA UK, The Differences in Codependency and Recovery: “In Codependency, my dreams I have for my future are all linked to you, in recovery, my dreams are my own, even if they include you.” This realization was a turning point in my life. I can still go in the direction of my dreams, with or without a partner. 

I work the Steps in two ways: with my sponsor and with my step study group. I find that support from my sponsor and step study sisters can give me hope when I need it and help me continue in my recovery. I also gain hope from The 12 Promises. One that particularly resonates with me and I desire to embody fully is “I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving, and loved.”

Olive 
02.12.2026

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.