Cracking the Code

I’ve been in CoDA for 2 ½ years now.  Before CoDA, I was always anxious, upset, uptight, high-strung, and not very happy.  I always wondered why people around me seemed to have peaceful lives and healthy relationships and were really happy, but I never could crack the code on how to do that.  I always had trouble keeping friendships, jobs, relationships, and having loved ones who want to get close to me.  I knew there was something in me that worked and had potential because people would always be drawn to me at first, but then they weren’t.  I am 40 years old now, and I spent the first half of my life trying to crack the code to figure out which piece was missing to get these relationships to be maintained.

I tried therapy, different churches, different jobs, different social groups, etc.  Nothing worked.  I even tried dating different types of men, but for some reason I always kept attracting narcissists and unhealthy men who just wanted to control or use me.  After a failed marriage, my counselor suggested CoDA to me.  I had never heard of it, but I had already tried everything else, and nothing worked, so I figured I’d give this a shot.  It worked for me because I had finally hit rock bottom and I was ready to change and do whatever it took to get better.  I worked through the 12 Steps and Traditions with a sponsor, attended weekly meetings, became a homegroup member, and served regularly.  I chose every day to trust and respect the process and my sponsor.  It was a willing submission.  

Now I can relax and be happy no matter the situation, or if I’m single or not, because I have let go of control.  By constantly reviewing the Patterns and Characteristics in the literature, and reviewing my personal inventory, I have found a new freedom.  I respect others’ choices and don’t try to tell them what to do.  I don’t have to control the situations; I can just be and be present.  I don’t always have to know everything or figure everything out.  My health has improved mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I have been attracting healthier people and relationships into my life.  And I am relaxed and happy.  It will still always be a work in progress.  I still attend the weekly meetings, serve, and talk to my sponsor and CoDA friends.  But I have finally cracked the code.

Vicki B.
02.11.2026

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.