Approval

All my life I've looked for approval and my self-worth in the eyes of the men in my life. I did whatever it took to gain that approval and feel worthy to be alive on this earth, even if it went against what I believed to be moral and right. After years of “doing” to gain approval I've come to a place in my life that I am now able to look at myself and the world around me and find my real value in the eyes that look back at me in my reflection. I am finally able to just “be” a part of this world and my life without “doing” all the time. Just “being” is such an easier way to live.

The definition of reflection according to Mr. Oxford is: the act or an instance of reflecting; the process of being reflected; reconsideration; an idea arising in the mind; a comment; a consequence; evidence.

Over the last two years of my life, I have done a lot of reflecting on me, my life, how I've lived my life, the choices I've made which have brought me right here right now. I feel that the fact that I am “being” in my world is reflected in my life and the way I live now. I have reconsidered most of things that I used to take for granted in my life – my family, my friends, but most importantly – ME. The ideas that arise in my mind now are so different than they have ever been. My reflection of me in the mirror makes a comment about who I really am now, to me it does, and that’s what I feel really matters – the person I see in the mirror and not the person I want the world to see. If I love the one I see in the mirror, that’s all that matters. The world can have and is entitled to its own reflection of who I am. And for me now, that’s OK. In the face I see reflected in my mirror I find the consequences of the choices I've made in my life. In MY eyes I see the evidence of those consequences, and I am at long last comfortable with what I see.

Odd that the word “being” would appear in that definition and not the word “doing”.

Beverly V.
August 10, 2001

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