Resenting CoDA

Six months into CoDA, I look back on one resentment I had from the start — the resentment of CoDA itself. I had no good reason to resent CoDA, but I was envious that my wife got into CoDA before I did. In decades of therapy, not once did a therapist mention CoDA to me. Yet, in her first session of therapy, my wife was pointed toward CoDA. Her recovery took off. In many ways, I felt left behind, still floundering in my unmanageable life.

When my wife showed me the characteristics of codependency, I exclaimed, “I’m more codependent than you are!” A better analysis is that we are codependent in different ways; my tendencies may be more visible and pronounced than my wife’s. It doesn’t really matter, does it?

The longer my wife was in CoDA, the more my resentment grew. I was envious,  irritated, and confused. Ultimately, I believed controlling the situation was the antidote to my frustration.

I didn’t learn about resentments until working on Step Four with my sponsor and immediately realized that I’d been unaware of how many I was carrying toward others. Living with resentments is not living into the promises of CoDA and the Twelve Steps. Working through them has begun to bring me a newfound freedom, the one that is promised when we do the work of the Twelve Steps.

In my first six months in CoDA, acknowledging my resentments toward others, including CoDA itself, has been important. I’m grateful for what Higher Power reveals each day as I continue to work the Twelve Steps of CoDA.

Ryan G.
09.12.2025