Emotional Prison

Before CoDA, I lived in a kind of emotional lockdown. I isolated and withdrew from others — not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t feel safe. I thought I had to protect myself from being hurt, rejected, or judged. What I didn’t see then was that I was building walls, not boundaries. I was keeping myself in, not keeping others out.

I also struggled with self-sabotage. I would set goals, make plans, and then undermine myself — either by procrastinating, doubting myself, or giving up before I even tried. Deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved good things, and I was terrified of failing… or even succeeding.

On top of that, I carried a strong victim mentality. I constantly felt like life was happening to me. I would replay past wounds, blaming others or my circumstances for my pain, without realizing I was handing away my power every time I did that.

CoDA gave me a new lens. Through listening to others share their truth, working the steps, and showing up — even when I didn’t feel like it — I began to see how these patterns were rooted in fear, shame, and unresolved trauma. I wasn’t broken — I was surviving the best way I knew how.

Recovery is helping me take emotional risks — reaching out when I want to isolate, being honest when I’d rather shut down, and allowing myself to be seen and supported. I’m learning to show up for myself, not just others. I still have days when I slip into old patterns, but now I have tools, awareness, and a fellowship that reminds me I’m not alone.

Today, I know the emotional prison I was in isn’t permanent. The door was never locked — I just didn’t know how to walk through it. Recovery is helping me find the key — one share, one step, one day at a time.

Desiree B.
08.28.2025