Today, I Will Start the Journey Again

I woke up this morning, or was it the other day? I ask because this has come to me in bits and pieces as things usually do when your higher power is trying to show you something you don't really want to see. And I realized what has been the real problem blocking me from having peace and joy in my life. But, before we get to that, let me explain.

I have been merely existing, surviving my life, just like I did years ago. But, not even realizing it. You see, I went to my first 12 Step meeting twenty years ago (Wow, I must really have it going on). I read the literature, everything I could get my hands on; I went to meetings, group therapy, and counseling. But here I am, twenty years later, in another unhealthy relationship, with a practicing alcoholic. Just one of several I have been in over the past five years. Kidding myself, that somehow, I am not letting this get to me like it used to. Yes, I have been dealing with things differently. Not better, just differently.

Somewhere along the way, I became overly confident and complacent. I forgot where I came from. I went back to college at the age of 32. I felt good about myself. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could be a success. I moved to a new town, new people, a new life. And I never bothered to get in touch with people from the program, go to meetings, or keep in touch with old friends.

The thing that my higher power has shown me is that shame, guilt and pride have reared their ugly heads. I have avoided making contact now “at my hour of need because I felt like I should have known better. That somehow, I should have been above having an emotional relapse. How can I call on God for His help when things are bad after not leaning on Him when things were going well?

The answer is simple, as most universal truths are. Let it go, humble myself and start with one small step. I left Him, he never left me.

Today, I choose to let go of that shame and guilt, and yes, that false pride. I choose to once again open my heart and my mind to my higher power. I choose to start the journey once again. I choose to come home where I belong.

Carol C.