Letting Go

I'm pretty sure I was codependent before I even drew my first breath...The year was 1976 and my mother had gotten pregnant with me in her senior year of high school, my parents married in July, and I was due to arrive late September early October. However, my birthday of the 26th of October always felt wrong, and I never knew why until I found out from my father that my mother would say to her belly, "Not today."

My father was a happy drunk and my mother blamed me for her world. By 5 years of age I would be caring for my brother the way an adult would/should. Not knowing that years of these expectations would lead me to feel I had to "save" everyone and everything while painfully and slowly chipping away from anything I was meant to be. “No” was never in my vocabulary as there was a price to pay with my mother if you exerted any kind of authority, emotion or need.

My overwhelming desire for her attention built a fear of rejection so ingrained that I believe I stopped breathing, and crying, and living for myself for decades… It took me a long time to accept the powerlessness over people, places and things and I'm relieved to say that after 48 years I'm letting go one day at a time with the help of CoDA and other 12 step programs.

Letting go is freedom to grow.
Thank God.

Jessica
02.04.2025

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