Recovery Is Work, but Worth It

My life had absolutely become unmanageable.  I was almost 300 pounds (5' 4") and I had an affair that destroyed two marriages.  Of this I am not proud, but it is important to my story.

I was in therapy and my therapist introduced me to CoDA and recommended I try a meeting.  That was January 2023.

I am now 2 years into the program and still working through Step 4, but I have come a LONG way.  I learned what the patterns of codependency are.  I saw how I am so very compliant, realized I had low self-esteem, and that I liked to control people, though I did not realize that was something I was doing.

CoDA has helped the most in the way of teaching me terminology.  My favorite lesson was on "weasel words" where I say "maybe tomorrow" when I really don't want to do something at all.  I laughed at how often I say one thing but really want to say something else entirely.

I have been dating someone for 6 months now and recently they turned very verbally abusive.  They are an alcoholic but do not realize it and I wanted to love them through it.  I wanted to help.  But when I told a friend in CoDA what this person said to me, my friend said, "that is abusive".  My immediate response was defensiveness and telling how great my partner is when sober.

My friend asked me: (1) Abby, do you LIKE being treated that way? And (2) Abby, if a FRIEND, not a partner, said any of that to you, would you accept it?

My response was absolutely not!  You see I am codependent in my romantic relationships, but I am good at setting and holding boundaries with my friends.  I have a strong group of people who build me up and I build them up.

Through CoDA, I now seek HEALTHY and LOVING relationships - especially in romance.  I was able to block this person (not ghost) in a healthy manner that protected my health and well-being.
Recovery is work, it is hard, but I am so grateful for this program that provides me the tools to enable healthy & loving relationships in my life.

Abby
01/06/2025

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.