The Road to Serenity, Peace

Part of learning to love myself is being unafraid to show myself. I am an artist and a poet, even if not professionally. There is nothing more authentic to being me, than revealing this side of myself that I usually keep hidden within the pages of endless journals never really seen. This year, I challenge myself to be authentic in all ways.

I am learning to rid myself of my Peacemaker self, embrace my ugly shadow self, and learn to love all of me. I struggle immensely when I see people yelling with anger and rage. I desperately need it to stop. So much so that I will make it my business when it’s not. I want to stop other people from yelling – I want to stop being triggered by what I used to know as my hurt and pain.

I am also learning about all my fragmented parts. Those little inner child parts of myself that rise up to keep the rest of myself safe. My Peacemaker is likely one of those. I am finally, after almost four years of CoDA, looking inside myself to see those little girl parts of me that are in so much pain.

I can practice, in the moment, saying to my little self, “It’s okay, he is not ignoring you, you are not unimportant. I have you, right here in my arms and you are important to me.” Or “Don’t worry little one, you are not in danger. Anger is sometimes an explosion of emotion and violence does not always follow. You can let him yell, no one is likely to get hurt. I have you, I am holding you, and you are safe.”

And a wise woman once told me, “Give people the dignity to have those ugly parts of themselves and those experiences that help them grow.” My Peacemaker can try to stop that from happening. Peacemaking can be harmful. It can hide or deny truths in an attempt at peace. Today, I give my Peacemaker self over to my Higher Power. And today, I wrote this and it helps me:

In the Moment

Loving my child,

In the moment,

Will stop the hurt.

Giving myself a voice,

In the moment,

Will stop the resentments.

Accepting another’s ugly parts,

In the moment,

Will stop the blame.

Acknowledging and seeing the ugly inside myself,

In the moment,

Will bring compassion.

This is my road,

In the moment,

To serenity and peace.

Michelle M.

01/21/2021

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.