I walked out of my first CoDA meeting halfway through. The fear was too much. But in that short time, something, someone, or just a feeling stuck with me, and I returned the next week. So started a journey, that I call "knowing and growing self". Each meeting, each step was an uncovering of who I was. Those glimpses kept me going and kept me moving forward. Sometimes I got it wrong, but I learned and returned. This realization that recovery was not a straight line and freedom is earned became that basis for my poem:

FREEDOM (An Open Amends)

I have this deep seated need to be understood, as if understanding would be enough. I don’t know.

I cannot reclaim all the love I didn’t receive as a child, from one person. They cannot give it. I am sorry if I tried. To let go of what I didn’t get and accept what I have now is all I can do. What I have now is a chance to become whole and to share that wholeness with people that I care about. Having a chance to love without conditions and receive love without reservations.

Today is not Yesterday and never will be. Tomorrow is a story I am writing and Yesterday is a chapter that is finished. In my book today I am writing about me, who I am, my wants and needs, my fears and strengths. Tearing down those walls of my self-made prison, I can see and feel the freedom that was always there, the joy that was always mine. As those walls come down, I can see the world as it really is, leaving behind the world of my imprisoned mind. I see a world that can accept me and love me if I embrace it. Making me free at last to accept the gifts of nature; to feel the warmth of the sun and the cool of the wind; to know that I am alive.

Please forgive me if I stumble and in the process hurt you. A prison is no place to learn how to live. But to stumble is inevitable. Like the trees stripped of their leaves, only to be renewed in the coming spring, so too will I renew myself, each time I fall. In so doing I will learn and grow. I am an eager student, now that freedom has encompassed me. I can never go back. In that freedom, I hope to experience the joy of sharing my aliveness with the people that I care about and the people I have yet to meet. To me this is true freedom.

Gerry B. 07/27/2024

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.