A New Canvas

I first learned about CoDA during college after I tried to take my life. Needless to say, I did not stay in CoDA. During college, Dad had died, I was hundreds of miles away from home and my entire life I felt alone, full of fear, and hopeless. I dropped out of college after the attempt, needing only 6 credit hours to complete my bachelor’s degree. At that point I realized I needed help from all the past trauma I had experienced growing up in a dysfunctional family of alcoholic parents. I covered my trauma with drinking on and off, dysfunctional relationships, having fun traveling the world, playing underwater hockey, learning djembe drum and watercolor painting, to name a few. Nothing that I did made me feel safe in the world until I actually started working the CoDA program in 2022.

It took me at least 35 years to come to terms with my trauma and how that related to the CoDA program. I came from poverty so my focus most of my life had always been about having stuff so I could look good.

Even though my life seemed full, and I thought I had everything I wanted, I realized that I still had an emptiness inside I couldn’t explain. In 2022, after COVID I found myself feeling hopeless and again wanting to end it all. It was suggested that I do a 30-day treatment program. There was a lot of fear in making that decision. I would need to notify my job, my family and friends that I had come undone and needed to go away for a short time. First, I asked the Universe to grant me humility, willingness to stay out of my own way and the ability to hear what I needed in order to heal from feeling lack, alone and scared. During the first 30 days of treatment, I cried and talked about past trauma to the group and my therapist in a way that I had never done before. After the 30 days I felt I had been stripped down of everything that I had known and became amenable, and I was able to attend CoDA meetings again.

Looking back, that feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming fear and then surrendering to honesty, openness and willingness was actually the best thing that had happened to me. I realized by taking time out of my life to heal, that learning about how I relate to myself and how I relate to others is the most important aspect of my success!!

When I surrender, there’s a gap, some space that is created for healing and a new understanding. I can do all things through my Creator. I understand that what created me is part of who I am and that I’m not better or not less than anyone. I have a new canvas to write my life from! I see life and the world around me differently. The CoDA Promises continue to manifest in my life! I am fortunate that I attend 2 meetings a week, I read CoDA endorsed material, got a sponsor and started doing the steps. My life is full, my cup is running over with abundance, joy and love as a result of being an active participant in CoDA services.

Love Intensely,

Abby M 07/25/2024

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.