An Anatomy of My CoDA Slip

Last year I was doing our annual taxes and getting pretty obsessed. I was hoping my wife would edit the tax document to make sure I hadn’t made any errors, especially because she had expressed interest in helping out more with our finances. After dinner, I asked her to sit down on my computer to take a look. She said something like, “Sure, I’ll do it later.” I saw no reason why she couldn’t have done it immediately. Waiting for her, my impatience, hurt, and resentment grew. I tried to let it go but I couldn’t although I pretended to.

Suddenly, I was stricken with the desire to control and to get immediate satisfaction of my “needs.” At this point, we were both sitting in our home office. I said sternly, “Honey, I need you to do this now. I have to get this done!” She responded, “Why do I have to do it now? What’s the rush?” She got up reluctantly to take a brief look at the tax document on my computer screen. I said, “Please sit down and go through the thing,” but she kept pleading that she was too tired and would do it later. Finally, she sat down because I wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. She immediately found that I had missed a date and was reading when I lost total control and became even more upset. It sounds illogical, but I felt like she didn’t love me, like I didn’t matter to her. Abandoned again. My throat constricted. I felt like it was an insult for her to help, like it was a handout. So I wailed, “Forget it. You don’t love me. It’s too late. I really, really don’t want you to do it now.” My wife was astonished at first, but I insisted she stop, so she got up and left the room.

At this point I felt even worse, but I went upstairs to my trusty journal and began to look at this crazy incident through the eyes of the Twelve Steps and CoDA recovery. After writing about how I had been “abused” and harmed, it was my turn to be astonished. When I got to the “my part” section of my resentment and fear list, the truth began to seep in like a rising tide: I had overreacted and treated my loving wife very poorly. The taxes weren’t due for another month! Where is the urgency in that? My wife is an autonomous human being and she in no way deserved to be treated like that. What had I done? This realization hit me like a train.

So, I went back downstairs and apologized. I told her there was in fact no urgency at all, and it would be absolutely fine if she looked at it the next day. Or the next. Or in a couple weeks for that matter. She hadn’t expected an apology and was pleased to see that I had come to my senses, but she was still mad. That night she slept in a separate bedroom.

In retrospect, I have come to view this as a CoDA slip. I’m not too tough on myself though. I did more writing and uncovered a lot of other stressors in my life and other areas where I was feeling like I was doing more than my share of work around the house. I shared this with my wife but didn’t request anything. The next day, however, I saw her pitching in on dishes and other chores to help me more. We both realized that I was going through a particularly challenging time at work and had simply failed to communicate that I needed more help. I am so glad that I have CoDA to put this ridiculous episode into perspective and be able to learn from my relationship mistakes.

Jim H. 4/15/2024

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