Learning to Save Myself

My name is Misty. I come from a rough childhood. Best I understand my sister took care of me as an infant. My sister, who was turning 1 in five days, still needed an enormous amount of attention. My mom was physically there but high on pills. I believe my sister at 13 was just trying to keep the newborn quiet. I have been self-isolating since I can remember. Along with other coping skills, I survived my sister leaving at 18, sexual molestation from family, to suggest a few. (Forgot chemical addiction.) I knew I had a bad mom, but I didn't know I carried it as trauma through most of my life.

Divorced twice in my secret search for a love I could never replace, I have found myself in a mess with my own daughter. She is amazing. A strong 28-year-old buying her own home and living like she has complete control of her life. Her setback is that she doesn't know what I now know about myself. I hope I have not left her in the shape I was left in.

When I read the first page of the NA book, I was excited to learn there was help for me. But when a counselor carelessly threw the CoDA book at me and I started reading, I found myself in the pages. I think I found a way to my inner child. Sitting there balled up in a corner of me. I want to bring her out and tell her I love her, and she doesn't ever have to worry about me abandoning or giving up on her.

I am only 3 months into CoDA. Trying to find my way without a sponsor and people who don't understand. But I won't let the little girl inside me feel unloved anymore. I will beat this and save her.

Misty P. 8/15/2023

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.