I Am Not Just What Happened to Me: I Am My Choices

My name is Sam, and I am a joyful codependent. I am an Iranian American fellow member of the program.

I was always wondering what the reason for my codependency problem was. Then I concluded that something in my childhood must have caused the domino effect of codependency in my life!

I was born in Iran when there was a war between Iran and the neighboring country Iraq in the 80s. We had no financial problems, but there were constant uncertainties and feelings of unsafe due to the war.

In my mind, as a child, I turned to survival mode; therefore, I felt unsafe and lost. • Being in survival mode made me use people as a refuge from uncertainties, and fears. • Constant existential anxiety was always with me, as I can still remember the sound of explosions and the feeling of losing people.

War ended, but I stayed in survival mode with existential anxiety, so I lost my sense of presence and self-esteem.

When I heard about the CoDA program from one of my friends, it changed my life forever.

Today, I believe I am not what happened to me; I am a result of my choices.

I am grateful for the program because instead of just staying alive in survival mode, I can live my life and take advantage of this opportunity.

My existential anxieties were replaced by spiritual awakening. I am awakened by listening to other members, working the Steps, and using the tools.

My story is the story of millions of people in the war zone; of course, they're struggling to stay alive, but at the same time, one of the main concerns is feeling safe and belonging.

In Step one, I admitted that my life had become unmanageable as my survival mode over the fear of losing people was my biggest concern.

In Step 2, as an agnostic atheist, I had an issue finding a higher power in the program, but the first Step showed me the necessity of moving forward. Hence, I choose the universal consciousness as my higher power, all my recovery friends around the globe.

In Step 3, I started trusting my higher power instead of asking more questions about it.

In Step 4, I stopped running and started facing my issues.

In Step 5, I found a fantastic sponsor who accepted me for who I am.

I am at Step 5, and the rest of my story is not based on what happened to me in the past; instead, it's the choices that I'm going to make in the moment of “now”.

I use my tools and stay connected to the program; when I ask, I shall receive the recovery from the program and from myself.

This program gave me the opportunity to live my life in the “moment of now”.

Sam, a joyful codependent from Irvine California 02/16/2023

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