Hot Mess

My life before CoDA, well let’s just say it was a “Hot Mess”

I have been in one toxic relationship after the other. I found myself always choosing partners that had a long laundry list of problems: drugs, alcohol addictions, emotionally unavailable. For as long as I can remember, I was accepting of my partners’ unhealthy habits, even thrived on them in a way I guess you could say. Thinking I could be the hero in their lives. Yes, I was going to be the one to make a difference in their lives. I was going to be the one to help them become a better person! I gave all my time, attention, and energy to them and whatever problems they had in their lives. I was going to fix them and by doing this they would love me, and I would feel like I was needed.

Needless to say that didn’t work out too well. I completely lost myself in the process of trying to help my partners “become a better person.” I was so focused on their lives that I began to neglect myself. I became so emotionally and physically drained at the end of most days from taking care of everyone else's needs but mine. I couldn’t tell you what would make ME happy or what I like to do in my free time. I honestly didn’t know who I was anymore. Emotionally I felt like something was wrong all the time—I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It was an empty feeling. I had no self-worth unless I was in a relationship with someone who needed my help.

There came a point in my last relationship where things got so bad. We were arguing all the time. Yelling and screaming was our new normal. I didn’t want to go home because I knew it would only end up in an argument. We would break up and then a day later get back together. We followed this same routine for months. I was so scared to be alone that I accepted this behavior and tolerated way more than I should have. When our split became final, I was in such a state of duress, so emotionally unstable, depressed and crying all the time.

This is the point in my life when I found CoDA and I am so happy I did. CoDA has taught me so much about myself and my past behaviors! Abandonment fears, self-worth issues. With the step work, meetings, and my CoDA family I have been able to evaluate myself, correct behaviors, love myself and begin to heal my inner child and so much more. CoDA has brought with it a new way of life for me. A healthy change of life. I am single and loving my time alone. I now respect myself, love myself and understand what a healthy relationship is. I am so very grateful for all that CoDA has taught me and helped me to understand! I look forward to continuing my journey with CoDA.

-A.T. March 12, 2021

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. We are always accepting submissions. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.