‘‘I Thought I Knew What Love Was’’

I thought I knew what love was. I thought I had been in love. For a long time, the love I knew was egotistical. It was jealous, it was possessive, it was controlling and it was heavy. It was phone calls asking where each other was and who was there.

It was phone checking and name calling throughout arguments. It wasn’t love it was unhealthy obsession. Then in my thirties I found a knew love, an unfamiliar love, a soulful love. It was light, it was joyful, it was kind, it was safe, it was content, it was subtle and it was simply loving another person without any conditions.

However, this love was not to be returned. The unhealthy person before CoDA would have held onto this person, white knuckling it and never letting go, but this woman no longer exists.

With the help of CoDA, I can let go of this person and love them from a distance. I know what love is and what it takes to achieve love. I have loved a great love and therefore I am capable of loving again. Yet, until that day comes, I’ll continue loving the person I have become.

 Emma G, - January 14, 2021

Everybody in CoDA has a story to tell. Sharing yours may help thousands of codependents still suffering. Please contribute your experience, strength and hope by emailing your story to wr@coda.org.