If I am going to do this, I must go all the way

 I have buried trauma from a very young age, and around 30 more years after that. I learned very early how to conceal and block anything my heart and mind couldn’t handle.

A couple of years back, it erupted like an active volcano, destroying most everything I held sacred. My spirit shriveled up and died like a worm that didn’t make it back into the dirt before the sun’s full rise. I was in an alternate reality, which I had created myself. Nobody was getting in, and I wasn’t going out. I used my dogs as a reason to avoid get-togethers and parties or trips. I have been in recovery for nearly two years, and CoDA is helping me to face myself and feel everything so I can move past It and heal. I think I need to go back and revisit and re-examine the trauma through CoDA lenses. I get a different perspective by doing this and can make sense of it, so I can release it into the wind and move forward to a brighter, more productive future.

A therapy used for PTSD has been an ongoing thing for me, and memories resurface. It’s hard for me to find a therapist to help me work through my dark memories, but I have to do it. If I am to embark on this journey of self-healing and discovery, I will need a therapist who can go all the way with me, not one who ushers me out or ignores my need to go back. If I can’t commit to that, then I better not even start in the first place.

So I ask my higher power to help guide me out of the potentially dank submission of what others want me to do to be accepted. If I am going to do this, I must go all the way, or why bother even start?

Thanks for reading my story

Pamela W. - August 22, 2020