CoDA Weekly Reading 6/4/19

 
From: "CoDA Weekly Reading" <co-nnectionreadings@codependents.org>
Subject: CoDA Weekly Reading 6/4/19
Date: June 4th 2019

I have recently celebrated two years of continuously "showing up" for myself through the CoDA program. Before attending my first CoDA meeting, I felt extremely victimized by my relationships and the external world. I had no clue I had been giving all of my own choices and power over to other people—my close relationships especially. Growing up in a dysfunctional home where I felt deeply from childhood that my worth stemmed from my helpfulness and needlessness, I did not allow myself to get to know the real Kayla.

I had remained sober through another 12 step program for five years, yet found myself confused on why I was not happy, joyous and free at five years. The longer I strived to hold myself together, the more depressed and angry I became deep down. The more isolated I became. The more I used food, shame and even service work to not deal with how I truly felt. I didn't know that I was striving to be what you wanted me to be, that I had deep beliefs that the real me was too crazy, not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, that I needed to hide away in order to not be alone forever.

Wow, has CoDA given me a new way of living, instead of just surviving. What I've come to realize through practicing the 12 steps in CoDA, attending meetings, and deeply healing through therapy is I am worthy of true love, connection and authenticity in relationships that I choose. That I am enough as I am—well, that's something I'm continuing to learn to accept still. For example, there are certain areas of my life where it’s more difficult to recognize that truth...

I am learning, too, that I am worthy of my heart’s desires, whether that is to start a family and be a wife, or whether it is to have a relationship with a mother figure and feel that nurturing connection. I found I had dreams of going back to school, and that I was worthy at age 29 to do so (I am currently working towards a bachelor’s degree at a local college I only dreamed of attending). I realized I had dreams of being a healthier me and that I didn't want to be held back because of my body and my emotional binge eating. I began being honest about my emotional eating, and finding support and accountability with healthy women. I lost 67 lbs since joining CoDA and completed my first sprint triathlon for my 29th birthday last year. I can't believe I did that!

All the dreams I've allowed myself to visualize since joining CoDA started with feeling worthy enough to realize them. I began sharing them in meetings, with my sponsor, in prayer, with friends, and eventually with my boyfriend and with my family. The support gave me the courage and permission to start chasing those dreams, and as tough as it has been, many of them are realized today!!!

I feel I am just a baby in this process. I still struggle with what fun looks like and not being so fearful of letting go of my need to control in order to feel safe and protected. But I also feel incredibly grateful to have a new set of coping skills for life and relationships too. All of my relationships today are healthier than they have ever been, and I have set boundaries with those relationships that I found were not healthy for me. Those experiences were some of the most painful times, for so many reasons, but I can say with surety today that it is the most rewarding and relieving life to lead—when I trust and give myself a voice and share my needs.

Thank you CoDA: for the opportunity to walk this path with all of you and celebrate what CoDA has done in this beautiful life of mine ❤️

Kayla H - 03.20.19

 

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