Steps to finding me

Then - I thought I not only could control others, I felt it my responsibility to get you to do it my way.

I didn't realize that my life was insane, that there was a power greater than me for me.

I didn't know that the God of my understanding existed, nor that

I could trust in this God.

I didn't ever look at the harm I had done, nor the impact my choices had on others.

I never told anyone about my wrongs; my motto was never let them see you sweat

I had no idea that the things that obviously weren't working for me could end.

I didn't realize the ability I had in being humble, that I could ask for help.

I believed I was helping others in my way to get you to do it my way, and saying sorry were just words to get you to do it my way.

I never said I was wrong. Me, wrong? You must be kidding.

I never reflected on my day except to see where I had failed to manipulate others and thoughts about how to change that.

Prayer and meditation were not for me. The God I was raised with was too busy with people that had big issues to bother with me.

A spiritual awakening; what was that? Something preached from some cult, for sure.

Now I recognize I cannot control other people, places things or time.

My life has serenity and strength with the help of my Higher Power.

I believe in the God of my understanding, my Higher Power, and I trust the plan for me.

I looked at my past, clearly, without excuses. I looked at the harm I caused. I didn't die in doing so!

I found the freedom that came with revealing myself to a trusted friend. This person didn't judge me, cause me shame; they loved me and supported me in being honest and true to me.

I released the behaviors that didn't work for me. Sometimes easily, sometimes slowly, but I was released from those things that caused pain to myself and others. I found I could have my defects of character removed; all I had to do was ask and pray for guidance and ask for help. I asked for help from my Higher Power and from my sponsor, and my recovery friends.

I found the power in saying I WAS WRONG. Those words are powerful, as they truly acknowledge I did something that caused harm to others. I did so without expectation of being forgiven.

I continue to use these words - "I was wrong" in my life today. I find this to be so freeing! Who would have ever expected??

I pray daily; although my kind of prayer may not be the same as others. I have conversation with my Higher Power. I tell him what is going on, ask for guidance, ask for support, ask for love.

I meditate; not like others may, but I often use the time alone, in the quiet, to let my mind go quiet and just be still. It is in those quiet moments that I am restored. I have a whole new understanding of what spiritual is. I do my best to live my program, live my foundation; when someone from my crazy past asks what changed, I can reveal the truth of my program, how my life has healed. And I share my experience, strength and hope in meetings and with others in recovery.

I am so grateful to this program, to an angel that brought me to my first meeting, to all the people that have come to meetings to share their struggle, their progress, their hope for the future. Their sharing has helped me grow, learn, strengthen in ways I could never have imagined. I don't know what my life would have been without recovery, but I know I would not have had this great life I am living. I have lived the past 28 years in what I consider a miracle. It is not always easy, it is sometimes painful, but it is always wonderful to know I am okay as me.

Thank you everyone for helping me on this path.

Mary - 10/4/16

 

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