I Cry Alone

 

Most nights Most days Most anytime your smile comes to mind. Kind folks ask me how I'm doin. Others whisper, "she's been through a lot. I feel sorry for her."

The truth be told - I feel sorry for me or at least I have felt that way. When Grief and sorrow swallow me up , and I'm drowning in the pain. I make a list of my heartaches - divorce but he won't leave - likes to look good and still control me, loss, deep loss, I miss my sister, my friend, my encourager, supporter. I need her now more than ever.

I watch the faces of family members writhe in pain- trying to find a reason to get up again. I feel it too. Every sorrow like a deep cut. I feel my own and all of theirs. I'm a feeler. A blessing and a curse.

But, an untrained eye would never know. When they see me, they see a smile, they hear “I'm doing alright”, and they are fooled by a false light. For the role of a peacemaker, this gift is vital. But now, face to face with loss, there's no power to make anyone happy. I can't even try. It's not what's needed anyway. We all just need to cry.

More heartaches - yes, the list continues - I miss my grandma, another bright candle in this dark world. Within a month 2 lights went out. She always hugged and smiled and wrote “Jesus loves you and Cutters does too on her cards” and it was genuine. Two ladies who knew how to love and who I was blessed to be loved by - gone.

A few words found new meaning - earthshattering, life changing, never forsaking. Yes, never forsaking because though I have lost these precious people, I have never felt God more near. He has not abandoned me like my friends who don't know what to say, like my mind who tries to deny the truth, like my comforts who are fleeting. No, He has been right by my side through every up and down and wrong and right in my life. And here he was still. Meeting me in my darkest hour, in my loneliest days and in my sleepless nights.

So, the self pity, at least for today, is gone. I am not alone. I do cry alone. That is where the tears come freely. I feel his hand comforting me and his voice telling me to be real , let it go. And so, Before the one I cannot fool - I cry, I yell, I sit in the pain. I let it flow freely all around me.

And then - I'm real

Tracy A. 5/18/2015

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