I feel so lucky and blessed to have found CoDA

My name is Marguerite and I am a recovering codependent. I feel so lucky and blessed to have found CoDA. I feel that my HP led me here, when I had no place else to go. For the first time in years, I feel hope and a sense of certainty that things are going to be okay, and that I am really, really okay, too.

It hit me just a few weeks ago, as I sat alone, crouched in my own home with all the lights off, hiding. I felt helpless and things felt out of control. The police had called to tell me to leave my house, because in his suicidal/homicidal mixed state, my former husband, who is Bi-polar, might harm me. They were looking for him to pick him up after his psychiatrist called them because of a suicide note he had sent. He often had really destructive rages in the past.

I realized that because of our marriage and his illness, I had isolated myself from people to the extent that I had no one left to call. My embarrassment about his behavior had caused me to cut off everyone else. I guess I was a classic codependent. It was an old pattern: I had been isolated as a child by my schizophrenic mother, and had no friends until I ran away from home in my teens. I could tolerate almost any behavior, because I didn’t feel much of what was going on in me. I had felt trapped, responsible and loyal.

But now I was legally free, and yet I had forgotten how to interact with normal people in a healthy way. I was so alone. I was used to being on edge all the time, anticipating his moods, and taking care of him. Our marriage had gone from a traditional one – he worked, I worked part time and pursued my art – to his inability to hold a job, and me supporting us all with full time work plus extra consulting. And all the time, he told me how inadequate, how disappointing I was. I got very strong, but I also gave up most of myself to take care of him, the medical bills, his emotional needs and the girls. I forgot who I was, my dreams, my talents, and my abilities. I gave up my life to take care of his.

By the time I finally admitted, with the help of his psychiatrists, that he would not get better, I had pretty much worn myself away. Less than six months after the divorce was final, while he was still trying to stay in touch and get support from me, I really fell apart. Diagnosed with clinical depression, I went on medication, began to isolate more, and withdrew from everyone but the doctors. I lost my clients, many friends – oh, I had been very good at helping them, too! And I felt lost. That was about all I could feel.

One day, my doctor suggested a book, and I bought it. Since then, I’ve read them all, but for a while it was all intellectual. Sitting in the dark, feeling that this was ME here in this situation really opened my eyes to where I was and how I was treating myself. I finally figured out I had to get help, reach out, find some support and begin sharing to heal and grow. So, here I am. I guess it will be a long road, but I think it’s the right one.

Marguerite

 

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