CoDA Weekly Reading: 4/7/15

 
From: "[list_settings.list_name]" <co-nnectionreadings@codependents.org>
Date: April 7th 2015


                                   Death and Recovery


Last year a former member of my CoDA meeting, Toni, committed suicide.
She attended the meeting for about two years and moved to another city.
Toni maintained a strong friendship with another member here, Lesley.
One Monday, Toni didn't show up for work. Lesley expressed concern and
fear as she processed what she knew. That afternoon Lesley called the
police and that evening the news came that Toni was gone. I heard the
guilt in Lesley's voice as she did the "if onlys." Lesley has worked
hard on her recovery, and I believe she will process her grief and
realize she was powerless over Toni.

It took a day for my feelings to surface. I felt so sad. I've been in
Toni's shoes thinking that no one would care if I died and what a
logical solution death seemed. I asked my brother once, "would you care
if I died?" He responded, "I wouldn't be surprised if you killed
yourself one day." I thought, "Wow, he doesn't mind." He was on of the
reasons I struggled to hang on because I didn't want to inflict more
loss on him. I felt released hearing him say that. The next morning he
phoned wanting to talk to me during lunch. He had contacted several
therapists that morning and was told that I was suicidal or borderline.
I was stunned and a little disappointed because the "release" was not
there after all. He never told me he loved or cared about me then (we
didn't grow up in an emotion-based family) but his actions spoke loudly
and I heard the message. I told him I wouldn't do it, and I kept my
promise.  Today I realize his actions then were important to why I
survived those dark days.  I am grateful.

I've been in the black hole of despair and know how hopeless things can
appear.  Problems don't get better by themselves and there's no magic
pill to make them better.  They get better because I'm willing to fight
for myself, go to meetings, and feel the pain and fear I used to stuff.
To heal I have to do the work.  Work that Toni, for whatever reason, was
not able to do.  some people seem to think that codependency isn't that
dangerous because it doesn't kill your liver or destroy your body so
obviously as other addictions do.  It kills in more subtle ways like
putting yourself in dangerous situations.  I am so glad I reached out
and got help.  I gritted my teeth, took the steps and did the work.  I
slowly got better and I thank my Higher Power for the gift.

I will mourn Toni.  My friend has found peace int he arms of her loving
Higher Power.  I asked members if it was alright to honor Toni at our
CoDA meeting and they graciously agreed even though several members had
not met Toni.  Lesley read a couple of e-mails from Toni.  I read a
share from a member who had moved away.  Then we opened the meeting to
sharing.  It was a powerful experience.  CoDA has given me the tools to
work through despair in my life--that's why I keep coming back.

Anonymous (2011)        ......................

 

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