ApprovalAll my life I've looked for approval and my self-worth in the eyes of the men in my life. I did whatever it took to gain that approval and feel worthy to be alive on this earth, even if it went against what I believed to be moral and right. After years of “doing” to gain approval I've come to a place in my life that I am now able to look at myself and the world around me and find my real value in the eyes that look back at me in my reflection. I am finally able to just “be” a part of this world and my life witho ...Continue Reading

Being in CoDA has taught me a lot about my control patterns. I’ve recently realized that I can’t help but want to control the emotions of everyone around me. And more importantly, I have worn myself down into a pattern of deciding for my loved ones what they should be thinking or feeling.I suffered sexual abuse as a 10-year-old. My family covered it up because the perpetrator was my brother. I am 30 now, but I am still firmly entrenched in the victim role. This means I can’t stand it when members of my family don’t reac ...Continue Reading

Kathie’s StoryIt has been 3 years this month since I started back in CoDA on a regular basis. I used to come randomly for 3-5 previous years, which doesn’t work or didn’t work for me. I have learned so much from CoDA from my friends in my group. Watching everyone grow made me realize that I must be growing and changing, also.I have made some really wonderful friendships in my group. People that I love and care about. They have taught me it is ok to be vulnerable. They don’t judge me.When I talk at the meeting everyone l ...Continue Reading

Dating Again After CodependencyWhen I began dating again after a codependent relationship, I thought the hardest part was behind me. I had done months of CoDA meetings. I had learned about boundaries, detachment, and letting go. What surprised me was how quickly old patterns showed up in new places.I noticed myself becoming performative. I filled silences. I asked follow-up questions before they were offered. I softened my words so no one would feel uncomfortable. I managed conversations so they would not fade. None of ...Continue Reading

They Called Me BraveIn October of 2009—after several hospitalizations—I was diagnosed with Severe Depression and Anxiety and admitted into the Intensive Outpatient Program at the hospital. I began working on my issues of depression and was told repeatedly that I was codependent. It was suggested that I attend CoDA meetings as well as therapy. I screwed up the courage, found a meeting and went.It was the third week of October. I got lost (I am also directionally challenged). I was tearful and upset when I knocked on the ...Continue Reading

My Recovery Is StrongFor me, Recovery seems to be a slow process. Slow, with pauses, retreats and progress. I have not experienced major, life-changing moments of insight or revelation.  I have chronic depression and ADHD-I and it's clear to me that these affect my Recovery.  Still, there is evidence of Recovery. How do I know that if I'm not experiencing major breakthroughs and my life has not dramatically been transformed? This is how: I now have an understanding of and relationship to my Higher Po ...Continue Reading

Paddy’s StoryFourteen years after I left my first marriage with my two young children, because he had once again asked me to stop focusing on getting MY college degree and go back to work, I knew I had hit my bottom, especially after I had been accepted into a prestigious local university. At that time in 1987, a popular book about Women getting into unhealthy relationships had been published and I was attending a group with other women looking at our codependency issues, singing to myself “I haven’t got time for the pa ...Continue Reading

Detachment with LoveI learned through attending CoDA meetings that detaching does not mean I don’t care.  It means I have learned to love myself, to love the people in my life and not to get involved in their business.  I used to believe that by trying to control situations, worrying excessively, and forcing things to go the way I wanted, I was demonstrating how much I cared. However, I eventually realized that I was trying to play the role of God, thinking I knew what was best for everyone around me. I came t ...Continue Reading

I Am EnoughI was feeling lonely. By working the Steps I realize that I was ignored as a child. I was told, by their actions, that I wasn’t important. But I was. As an adult, I continued this dysfunction by ignoring myself. I believed that others were more important than I was. This attracted people into my life that also believed they were more important than I was. I would spend years doing whatever it took to get noticed, which included many positive and negative actions. Now I know I’m enough. I take care of mys ...Continue Reading

CourageOne of the most eye-opening pieces of literature for me in CoDA are the Patterns of Recovery. One of the patterns that I could relate to was: Codependents often compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. I recently had a situation where I experienced the "In Recovery" side of the pattern. In recovery I am rooted in my values, even if others don't agree or become angry. I was told to do something at work that is not mandatory, and I do not enjoy doing. I am happy to help where ...Continue Reading

The Art of Letting GoBefore I started coming to CoDA meetings, I had no clue how much control I was holding onto. I didn’t even think I had control issues — I just thought I was managing my life the best I could. I’m really grateful my friend told me about this program, because I can see now how much I needed it. From the second I walked in, I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.About once a month I do breathwork, and before it starts, they always ask you to set an intention — what you want to get out of the ses ...Continue Reading

GratitudeIn celebration and honor of November the gratitude month for 12-Step Programs.Before CoDA my life was lived in chaos, reactively bouncing from one disaster to another in surprising speed with shocking results. I was out of control. I came by my addictive personality honestly and set out to put my inheritance to its full use. One day returning from work, my late wife suggested I might benefit from CoDA. This was a suggestion she said she received about me from an AA hot line. Being the good codependent I am I im ...Continue Reading

Stage of LifeEvery year my life changes. Change is the one thing I can always depend on, whether good or bad. With each change comes self-reflection and new strategies for what I am going to do, or how I’m going to react. Change is something I take seriously.When I have to decide, CoDA has taught me to make a list of pros and cons. CoDA has taught me to look at the problem 360 degrees.After 30 years and still involved in CoDA life I think proactively and not reactively. Not every choice is a great one, but it is still a ...Continue Reading

Good ThingsI read the affirmation today “I deserve the good things that happen in my life” and it took me by surprise. As a codependent from an alcoholic background, my focus and energy was always directed toward preventing major catastrophes from happening to others and myself. It seemed as though the good things others were experiencing were out of reach for me and not even a possibility. For I thought I was a cripple and not deserving or able to experience good things.Today, in CoDA, I am changing – beginning to ...Continue Reading

Resenting CoDASix months into CoDA, I look back on one resentment I had from the start — the resentment of CoDA itself. I had no good reason to resent CoDA, but I was envious that my wife got into CoDA before I did. In decades of therapy, not once did a therapist mention CoDA to me. Yet, in her first session of therapy, my wife was pointed toward CoDA. Her recovery took off. In many ways, I felt left behind, still floundering in my unmanageable life.When my wife showed me the characteristics of codependency, I exclaimed ...Continue Reading

Recovery and HealingI have always liked analyzing myself and my environment. Today I believe this is partly a symptom of my parentified-codependent functioning. I noticed that analyzing and rationalizing doesn't help healing. It also delays or makes change impossible, so I began striving for deeper self-knowledge and self-acceptance in the fall of 2023, when I joined the CoDA online community. My mother's alcohol problems significantly contributed to my self-esteem, as well as my internal image of the world, shapin ...Continue Reading

The First Step in Reverse“We admitted we were powerless over others—that our lives had become unmanageable.”; —Step One, Co-Dependents Anonymous.When I first read Step One, I thought it was simply about giving up—surrendering to the chaos I couldn’t seem to stop. It sounded like a white flag. But the more I sat with it, the more I came to see it not as weakness, but as wisdom. Step One is not only a confession—it is a compass, a diagnostic tool, a law of emotional and spiritual gravity.I began to notice a pattern in my ...Continue Reading

Released From BondageHi, my name is Olivia. I have been in CoDA seriously for about 20 years. The first couple of years I didn’t seriously work the program. I just wanted to be better. I wanted to be healed. I wanted my feelings of loneliness to disappear. Then about three years ago I seriously started working the program. I chose a sponsor and we worked through the Twelve Steps workbook doing the work. I attended meetings regularly and shared regularly from the bottom of my heart and soul, really sharing who I was, of ...Continue Reading

Emotional PrisonBefore CoDA, I lived in a kind of emotional lockdown. I isolated and withdrew from others — not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t feel safe. I thought I had to protect myself from being hurt, rejected, or judged. What I didn’t see then was that I was building walls, not boundaries. I was keeping myself in, not keeping others out.I also struggled with self-sabotage. I would set goals, make plans, and then undermine myself — either by procrastinating, doubting myself, or giving up before I even t ...Continue Reading

Money and RecoveryI struggle with money. I’m a saver not a spender. I can pinpoint a moment in my childhood when I received the message ‘spending money is bad, saving money is good.’ Wanting to be a good little girl it became difficult to spend my babysitting money on myself or anyone else. I felt shame when I spent money. It gradually shifted into unworthiness, not deserving of nice or fun things. In high school my friends and I would go out for a soda. I’d order only water. I felt guilty spending my money. As a y ...Continue Reading

Humility and Step SevenOver the last few years in CoDA I have contemplated the word humility and wondered what it means and how it might help me find some relief from my character defects.  Step Seven reads, “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.” In the first six steps I am building my relationship with a power greater than myself, so I can grow and change and have a spiritual awakening that will improve my ability to have healthy and loving relationships. My shortcomings, my codependent patterns, keep me f ...Continue Reading

The Year I Turned 14Until the age of 14, I lived with my mother and two older brothers. My home life was unstable, and I didn’t feel fully protected or emotionally supported. When I was 14, during a weekend visit to my aunt’s house, I met a 24-year-old man. I was still a child and unsure about my feelings, but he showed interest in me. One night, while I was watching a movie, he came into the room and tried to have sex with me. I told him I was a virgin, but he ignored it and still penetrated me briefly, before I pushed ...Continue Reading

The Promises Come TrueI’m Sara, I’m codependent.BEFORE: (“Have difficulty identifying feelings. Minimize, alter or deny their feelings.” – Denial Patterns) I came to CoDA on October 16th, 1999, because I was 37 years old and still trying to do whatever I assumed my parents wanted me to do – at my own expense. I believed I could never do enough to please them. I didn’t know myself or what made me happy. I was miserable.   AFTER: (“I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, lovin ...Continue Reading

Love and CodependenceI have been in CoDA for 2.5 years now and can definitely say that this program was sent to me by God! I had problems with love relationships from the beginning of time. I always felt that something was wrong with me until I found the program. I now know that I inherited codependency and love addiction from my parents but am not blaming them or angry at them anymore as I do realize they too inherited it from their parents. It is a generational disease, just like physical diseases and it takes courage ...Continue Reading

Day by DayI have been in Co-Dependents Anonymous for 8 months now, joined in July of 2015. My son brought me to a 12-step group. He is now a recovering drug addict. I have to thank my Higher Power every day for his addiction, otherwise I would not have come through the doors of CoDA. The first step says, "We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable." I was powerless over my son and his addiction and over pretty much everything else, except my recovery. Through working ...Continue Reading

Codependency and My DogWhen my dog wags his tail, I smile. He is happy. So, I’m happy. Often, all I have to do is walk into the living room and I’ll hear the thumping of his tail on the hardwood floor. It is his visible and audible sign that he is happy to see me. When I return home from work and he runs over to greet me, I enjoy that feeling of being needed. I am codependent with my dog and I’m OK with that.   I don’t go to Co-Dependents Anonymous because I am codependent. As the CoDA blue book says, we are all a ...Continue Reading

A New Way to LiveMy life before CoDA was one full of anxiety, anger, control issues, and approval-seeking behavior — doing things I didn’t want to do to be liked or loved, avoidance, and unable to handle changes in my life or when things didn’t go the way that I had expected. I worked hard to try and make everyone happy. I couldn’t make the hard or healthy choices. I didn’t trust anyone or let myself be vulnerable to anyone. I never stood up for myself or spoke my thoughts to other family members because I didn’t want t ...Continue Reading

Overcoming PerfectionismEver since rounding up to one year of being in CoDA, this April, I thought that it might be a good idea to "celebrate" with writing something for others to read. I have been putting it off. My perfectionism wouldn't let me write. "Writing is an obsession for you", I told myself, "be careful". Today, which is a random day, like any other, I am finally able to give space to another voice, saying: "Give these worries into divinity. Let higher power exist where perf ...Continue Reading

Shelter from the StormGod, give me shelter from the storm of fear, confusion, and doubt. I too often panic over some real or perceived threat to my 23-year-old daughter.A violent storm might be a useful metaphor to describe the experience. As the storm approaches, I am learning about my daughter's plan, whether it's taking the New York subway or driving to a downtown dance club late at night.  I feel a slow shift from friendly inquiry to more aggressive interrogation.  From pleasant calm weather in my mind, to ...Continue Reading

Bright IdeasCodependents often attempt to convince others what to think, do or feel. -- Control PatternsIt’s also no longer about believing I know better than others what a Higher Power might look like.  -- Issues with the God word, P. 84I tend to fall in love with my “bright ideas,” my ways of understanding why people do what they do, for example. They really are pretty darn good - offering explanations that free me from blaming and lead me toward compassion. I like that. That applies to the God word in CoDA. ...Continue Reading

Letting Go of a Toxic FriendSometimes I have to let go of someone—not because they’re a bad person, but because I can’t stop myself from letting them activate my codependent triggers.In my past, I had a friend I’d known for over twenty years. There was a long history of shared experiences, trust, and closeness—or at least, what I thought was closeness. I had asked her twice if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She said no both times, and I respected that. I didn’t pressure her, and I wouldn’t have asked a second time exce ...Continue Reading

Today, I Will Start the Journey AgainI woke up this morning, or was it the other day? I ask because this has come to me in bits and pieces as things usually do when your higher power is trying to show you something you don't really want to see. And I realized what has been the real problem blocking me from having peace and joy in my life. But, before we get to that, let me explain.I have been merely existing, surviving my life, just like I did years ago. But, not even realizing it. You see, I went to my first 12 Step me ...Continue Reading

Sitting in DarknessThe abandonment, neglect and abuse from my childhood normalized the relationship patterns that stemmed from that oppression. I sat in the dark wondering how to extricate myself into the light. Constantly clawing for any substance or process to relieve me from pain and suffering.The 12 Steps of CoDA, the fellowship, outside help, a sponsor, service, and diligent effort sent everlasting stability and hope for a different today.My life has been transformed by a power greater than myself not without strug ...Continue Reading

I Learn to Trust MyselfDear Fellows,My name is Sarah. I am an alcoholic. I am also a chocoholic, a controlaholic, an obsessaholic, a shopaholic, and lots of other little "holics" too!My “isms” remain with me even after 11 years in AA. I had a nodding acquaintance with "this codependency stuff" but dismissed it as yet another issue I wanted to avoid. After all, I was told to KEEP IT SIMPLE!As the years rolled in, I realized that my codependent behavior was in practically everything I stood for. My min ...Continue Reading

My Step Four JourneyToday, I celebrate my third CoDA Birthday! Coincidentally, I’m also discussing Step 4 with my sponsee and working through the 40 questions with another fellow traveler. We’ve reached question 4, which focuses on the moral inventory.Hearing my sponsee’s reflections has made me revisit my own Step 4 journey — and all the steps and traditions I’ve worked through since. I’m filled with gratitude for CoDA. Step 4 was a turning point in my recovery. I remember dreading it, convinced that facing my inventor ...Continue Reading

I WriteI write to feel better about myself. I write to know how I feel, and I write to be whole. I write because it is the music of my soul. I write because I get spiritually and mentally muddled when I don’t. I write to know my mind. I write to find my feelings because they can be so intense and foreign like ships in the night on a churning black sea with no moon. Writing down my feelings puts the moon back in the scene, spotlighting my pain and shame and calms the waves rocking my boat. Writing is the North star ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Boundaries”  https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-June-2025-Ed.-35.pdf MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers. There i ...Continue Reading

Becoming Friends with Uncertainty, Trusting ChangeI came into CoDA recently after experiencing a really hard time working through the grief of a breakup that had me, and still has me, crying every single day for many months. The experience felt like an emotional hellscape. As I sat with CoDA literature, the Twelve Steps, and attended meetings, I struggled with the “God language” throughout. I grew up with a definition of God within my family’s religious beliefs that didn’t serve me, and I had long let that definition go ...Continue Reading

I Can See ClearlyI have a peace now inside of me. I can see people for who they truly are. I'm repairing my relationships. I have seen my parents after 6 and a half years. I'm working through my recovery, and this has been one of my best years.Finally, I understand my husband, I understand both of our "patterns" and where they stem from. I know what I want and can see a bright future ahead. The support that I've received from the CoDA recovery program has changed my vision.I can truly see clearly now the rain ...Continue Reading

Today I Planted SeedsI don’t have much of a green thumb, but that’s neither here nor there. So nonchalantly, I placed dirt into pots, threw in my seeds, covered them with soil, watered them and placed them on my window sill.It wasn’t until later that night when I stopped to talk to my Higher Power that I realized what I had just done.You see I spent the first 28 years of my life hating my existence, cursing every breath that I took, and dreading every day that I had to struggle through. I have so many lasting mental and ...Continue Reading

A CoDA VictoryCoDA Promise 2: “I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.”My childhood was mostly a very good time for me.  My father was a doctor and my mother was a homemaker always there for me.  There’s no doubt there was plenty of dysfunction even then, but I was mostly a happy, playful, athletic kid.  That all changed in the 7th grade when Dad started to drink more and get violent.  That was when the trauma began.Today, I am still rec ...Continue Reading

Letting GoI'm pretty sure I was codependent before I even drew my first breath...The year was 1976 and my mother had gotten pregnant with me in her senior year of high school, my parents married in July, and I was due to arrive late September early October. However, my birthday of the 26th of October always felt wrong, and I never knew why until I found out from my father that my mother would say to her belly, "Not today."My father was a happy drunk and my mother blamed me for her world. By 5 years of age I wo ...Continue Reading

CoDA Is Working!It’s been about 15 months now since I first attended my first CoDA meeting and I need to summarize here that it’s been, far and away, the most profound period of my life! My CoDA program has helped me to understand dozens of concepts about human behavior and relationships that have evaded me until now (and I’m 66 years old!).Even though I’m in the midst of a difficult divorce, I’m grateful for so many things and I’m continuing to gain strength and serenity in my life. It’s truly amazing how things have c ...Continue Reading

An Ongoing JourneyMy name is Francine, and I am a grateful recovering codependent.I came into the rooms of Co-Dependents Anonymous in 2005, after I found out my ex-husband had been having a 9-month long affair. He met her in AA. I never thought something could happen like that with him being sober and us having three children together (the youngest being 5 years old).Raised in a family of alcoholic/addicts, parents that fought all the time, and what seemed like constant household conflict, I became a people pleaser very ...Continue Reading

Twelve Steps in 12 SecondsMy sponsor asked me how my recovery was going and how service has helped me with triggers and situations that I am powerless over. My response was, when I first came to CoDA, I knew I was an angry, resentful person that wanted the world to hear my voice. Time after time I was dismissed and forsaken. I was hurtful to others, but especially myself. I could hear my “CoDA Crazies” screaming in my head all the hurtful things that held me hostage from being the loving, caring, respectful person I tru ...Continue Reading

Taking Off the MaskMy life started to change drastically once I started on my CoDA journey over 6 years ago. I was 53 years old and was still struggling letting go of a very unhealthy relationship a year prior. My friends suggested a book to read that introduced me to CoDA. I immediately found a home group and listened like my life and sanity depended on it. Because it did. We went out to fellowship after the meeting and that helped me to get one on one help until I found a sponsor to take me through the steps.My eyes w ...Continue Reading

Newcomer’s Story74 years into life, I think I may have found my tribe in CoDA. In the past few months several people I cared about deeply have hurt my feelings profoundly. I have grief as if they had died. But I realized that I, myself, am the common denominator in these scenarios. I simply have not protected my heart. For example, I moved into physical intimacy far too quickly. At the root of it seems to be a deep shame about myself and anger towards myself that stems from an adverse childhood. I'm quite sophisticated ...Continue Reading

My First CoDA MeetingI went to my first CoDA meeting about 25 years ago in NYC. They had free sheets that they passed around at the end of some meetings (that’s how information was shared…before quick-loading websites were common!)And it included statements I had never heard before (ever!)…a whole list of them…such as: “I’m not happy and content, unless others are happy with me.” “My feelings about myself are directly connected to having other’s approval.” A whole bunch of traits listed…and I identified with all of them ...Continue Reading

I’m HomeI was visiting my parents one day and my sister was there.  As she left, she commented “everyone in the world should be in a 12-step program” (she’s in AA).   I thought “what kind of a 12-step program would I join?   So, I called my daughter (who’s in NA).  She said (immediately without taking a breath) “Emotions Anonymous”.   Okay, that kinda makes sense.  The next day I went to my first EA meeting.  And while it was very interesting, it wasn’t exactly for me.  Durin ...Continue Reading

Valentine’s Day BluesAttending my first Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) meeting was both nerve-wracking and empowering. I had reached a point where I realized I couldn’t keep sacrificing my emotional well-being for the sake of toxic relationships that drained me. As I sat among strangers sharing their journeys, I felt an unfamiliar sense of hope—a glimpse of the spiritual growth I had been craving.After the meeting, I prayed for a sign from the universe, asking for clarity about my ex-boyfriend and the strength not to fal ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “It is Possible to Mend” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/MiP-March-2025-Ed.-34.pdf MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers. There ...Continue Reading

Healthy BehavioursI joined CoDA over a year ago, though I am not sure of the exact date. I was already in another 12-step programme, I had a firm and loving relationship with a higher power, and I had support, and that had given me some recovery. That recovery allowed me to see that I had problems that came from my dysfunctional childhood and were affecting my relationships.The programme I was in was helping with those issues to an extent, and I was not sure that I could manage to work two programmes together. So, I fli ...Continue Reading

Loving MyselfToday is a new day. I wake up and am thankful for my life and my family. I know the moments of challenge will come throughout the day and I pray and welcome the divine love. When the moments do come, I will take a breath, I will touch my heart and remind myself that I know myself, I am myself, I love myself and god loves me. The moments will pass, and I will feel all that comes with them.  I treasure myself, my feelings and the little girl inside.Thank you, CoDA, and my CoDA community. We walk together ...Continue Reading

Recovery Is Work, but Worth ItMy life had absolutely become unmanageable.  I was almost 300 pounds (5' 4") and I had an affair that destroyed two marriages.  Of this I am not proud, but it is important to my story.I was in therapy and my therapist introduced me to CoDA and recommended I try a meeting.  That was January 2023.I am now 2 years into the program and still working through Step 4, but I have come a LONG way.  I learned what the patterns of codependency are.  I saw how I am so very ...Continue Reading

My AwakeningBeing in an unhealthy relationship for 20 years was taking a toll on me. I was feeling constantly overwhelmed and exhausted, hopeless and helpless.  What pained me most about my life was living "beneath the bricks"… Knowing that my real self was buried under there. Somewhere deep down… There was so much I needed to accomplish, so much I was capable of creating, doing, spreading. Yet, it sat beneath the cocoon, hibernating… Waiting for the layers of hardened molten to chip away. One chisel at a ...Continue Reading

Recovery Saved My Life Last Halloween afternoon, I had a heart attack at work. I was unsure about calling the paramedics because my codependency told me to tough it out in silence and to not "make a big deal" about it. I had been in CoDA for nearly nine years and in that moment I applied a little bit of recovery and asked myself what I would tell a friend. That is when I decided to reach out. A couple months earlier, the entire staff had taken a first-aid class together, and in telling my coworker about what I ...Continue Reading

Define CodependencyIn August of ’98 I embarked on a personal quest to operationally define codependency in 25 words or less. This is what I came up with. As always, take the best and leave the rest.First of all, I figured that, if it is important to abstain from “codependent behavior” then I needed to know exactly what I was supposed to abstain from, and I needed it short, to the point, and easy to remember and apply. In 1990 I was diagnosed as codependent by a therapist who informed me that codependency is an obsessive ...Continue Reading

Take What You Like and Leave the RestI just used the slogan, ‘Take what you like and leave the rest,’ two days ago after sharing some feelings with my sponsor and getting her feedback. At first, I thought she was off-base because her share wasn't my norm, but then Opportunity came, and I started to look at the gift She offered through my sponsor's share. The more I desire growth towards serenity, and the more I slow down in life, the more I can see gifts of examples for healthy change being role modeled.I can take what ...Continue Reading

Learning Boundaries I walked into the rooms feeling tired of being tired. Thinking I have spent all I could to have a good life and it’s just not so.I was aware the man I was dating for eight years, on and off, was a drug to me and was killing me more than giving me any high. I wanted out but had no idea how or if I had the energy to do it. I tried before, only to return to the poison he gave me. I lived off being the victim. I can look back now knowing I enjoyed sharing my sorry life with others because it gave me vali ...Continue Reading

Wanted: CoDA Recovery StoriesEverybody in CoDA has a recovery story to tell. What’s yours?Sharing your experience, strength and hope may help thousands of codependents still suffering. You don’t need to be a professional writer. If you want help getting your thoughts on paper, let us know. Once a story is written and approved, our editors clean up spelling, grammar and punctuation.It’s important that stories are written using “I” statements that stay in alignment with the principles of Co-Dependents Anonymous. Within th ...Continue Reading

Affirming a New Way Here are some affirmations and words of wisdom shared by one of our subscribers.  I am enough.  I have enough. I am what I eat. Think. Believe. I wouldn't be here if God didn't want me here. I am recovering. Thanks, God. Enjoy the journey.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Even if it feels overwhelming. "If" is a huge two letter word.  Deliver us from ego. CoDA is a spiritual program. We can choose a ...Continue Reading

Learning the Truth Was Not as Easy as I Thought It Would Be After more than 3.5 years in CoDA I decided I could face getting my Adoption Disclosure documents. I applied in early June and got them this week (last of October). I was really excited to see them. My biggest question was “how many foster homes did I live in?” Well, the answer turned out to be only 1 but I was alone in the hospital for 10 days. There was a letter accompanying the Record indicating that much of the contents could be triggering an ...Continue Reading

Letting Go of VictimhoodI grew up in rural Oklahoma during the 1950s and 1960s, surrounded by family. My mother was one of nine siblings—three brothers and six sisters—which resulted in 30 first cousins on her side alone. When I was nine, my parents built a house next to my maternal grandparents, so most of my evenings and weekends were spent with those relatives. While the adults visited, I often found myself among cousins and relatives, feeling isolated as one of the younger ones. Many relatives seemed quick to put me ...Continue Reading

I Can ChangeBefore I started CoDA I was filled with rage. I didn’t even know what rage was. I knew I was angry. I knew I was resentful. I knew I felt fear, but I didn’t know that rolled altogether this created rage. I grew up in a rage filled home. My father would get explosively angry and bite his fists. Occasionally his fists would “bite“ someone else who got in his way. I heard stories and even witnessed a few of those physical altercations during my childhood. He never hit his children, but fear of his explosiv ...Continue Reading

                                                                               CourageStep Four – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.The spiritual principle of this Step is courage. For the longest time I thought that I was courage impaired. I believe that if I would have had courage in my past, my ...Continue Reading

Things Are GoodThings are good. Saying that sounds so ho-hum but looking back at my journey in CoDA the last two and a half years I know how much it has taken to reach “things are good”. “Things are good” doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges and problems to be solved but their weight is so much lighter these days. I’m resilient in a way I’ve never experienced. Other people’s problems are theirs and I am detached in a way that still leaves room for love and warmth. I walk around my urban community and take drives in ...Continue Reading

Diving Into RecoveryMy therapist had mentioned the word "codependency" many times in our sessions over the last 4 years. I had taken the quizzes, read the books, I understood it, but I didn't "get it". I was reading a book about navigating breakups, and the author suggested CoDA as a resource for those looking for community and support. To be honest, I didn't think she was serious and if she was, there was no way that such a group would exist in my area. It was 5:30 in the evening when I ran an inter ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Serenity, Strength and Spiritual Growth” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-December-2024-Ed.-33.pdf MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmation ...Continue Reading

In My Higher Power’s TimeI came into CoDA 15 years ago and it's been quite a journey. I hope this helps another person in Recovery exercise gentleness, patience & a loving compassion towards themselves.The highlights of my short story here are to recognize as a Co-Dependent how far I've come; how I'm practicing daily not to compare myself to others as well as not judge myself harshly.I'll start by sharing that I've needed to learn slowly how to trust the process, my awareness and slow healing and my next step. I rea ...Continue Reading

The Road to Serenity, PeacePart of learning to love myself is being unafraid to show myself. I am an artist and a poet, even if not professionally. There is nothing more authentic to being me, than revealing this side of myself that I usually keep hidden within the pages of endless journals never really seen. This year, I challenge myself to be authentic in all ways.I am learning to rid myself of my Peacemaker self, embrace my ugly shadow self, and learn to love all of me. I struggle immensely when I see people yelling ...Continue Reading

In This Moment I Am Convinced of the Benefits of Daily AffirmationsAt any moment during my day, I can recite an affirmation. This act instantly shifts my mindset, steering me away from feelings of disappointment in myself or others. I take a moment to reflect before overcommitting to someone else's dire situation or a relationship that ensnares me in a relentless cycle of self-sacrifice. Through affirmations, meditation, and self-reflection, I gauge the extent of myself I'm willing to share or invest the moment I sense ...Continue Reading

Healing with the CoDA PromisesI will heal by working the CoDA programme and by using the 12 Promises as my affirmations:As I heal:I am going to ‘know a new sense of belonging’ and within that freedom I will grow.I will gradually learn how to ‘overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity’.This will create ‘a new freedom’ I have never experienced before.I will hold on to the thought that as I work my CoDA programme, I will ‘be released from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present’.I will be awa ...Continue Reading

Growth Through Service What does it mean to me to be a trusted servant? I recently attended my first CoDA Service Conference (CSC). It was quite the experience! There were several opportunities for me to put my program tools to work.First, the traveling itself comes with its own set of stresses: booking a flight, packing, navigating TSA, customs, and figuring out ground transportation. Then the preparation to speak at the conference. Pretty unnerving for me to get up and speak in front of a large group of people.I ...Continue Reading

I’m in the Right PlaceThe story of my life. I am related to Priya.Hello friends,I have a story about myself that I caused a lot of pain before I came to my CoDA family...I am the child of divorce, the first child of a family from a middle-class religious society, with a philandering stepfather and a devoted mother. The guardianship of my two younger siblings was entrusted to me. Of course, from the stepfather who did not fulfill his own responsibility and put this on my shoulders.My childhood was not so difficult. My ad ...Continue Reading

God, Who Am I?Since I've been to two CoDA meetings, I'm beginning to confirm my situation in life. On May 4, 2024, my two kids and I made a move to another city to live with my younger sister and her husband. At first, I was doing what I always do, which is cleaning, cooking, and sometimes babysitting.I felt joy for three weeks, then my feelings surfaced, the ones I always hid. I thought to myself, what is going on? I was being the savior of my sister's marriage and trying to help her as always. I sided with her, I trus ...Continue Reading

Unconditional LoveHi, I'm Jason. A codependent in recovery. All of my life I've felt like I didn't belong, like I didn't fit in and that if someone really got to know me that would be cause for them to leave. I thought that as far as relationships were concerned, to really know me was to leave me and if you didn't know me then you couldn't hurt me.I thought that since my primary relationship was with my father and he abandoned me at an early age.Today in recovery I see that my primary relationships are with myself and m ...Continue Reading

“Flooding” as My TeacherI learned about the concept of flooding when I first joined CoDA three years ago.  I heard someone share about their problem with flooding in what is now my home group.  And I kept hearing people mentioning it as we spoke on CoDA phone calls.  For me, it means that I speak usually quickly and in long diatribes often fueled by resentment and fear.  At these times, I literally “flood” the conversation, like water flooding a neighborhood during a hurricane, only I use words and e ...Continue Reading

Never AloneI have just realized that I am not in my childhood anymore. The people who hurt me then are long gone and my environment now is safe. So why am I clenching my jaw, cowing my head, rehearsing what I might say, swearing inside? There's no need to do those things anymore.CoDA has taught me that there is a me that exists free of the coping strategies and mechanisms of survival mode. I am that me, and my Higher Power fuels that me - always has her back, knows her path and guides her, will never leave her alone.I m ...Continue Reading

I walked out of my first CoDA meeting halfway through. The fear was too much. But in that short time, something, someone, or just a feeling stuck with me, and I returned the next week. So started a journey, that I call "knowing and growing self". Each meeting, each step was an uncovering of who I was. Those glimpses kept me going and kept me moving forward. Sometimes I got it wrong, but I learned and returned. This realization that recovery was not a straight line and freedom is earned became that basis for my ...Continue Reading

/Meeting in Print/ /(MiP)/, a CoDA Co-NNections subcommittee, is proud to announce that the latest issue of its publication, themed “Pathway to Recovery” https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/CoDA-MiP-September-2024-Ed.-32.pdf  MiP is a quarterly publication that is structured like a live meeting; opening with the CoDAs foundational readings (Preamble, Welcome, Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions), followed by member shares (stories, poetry, artwork, photographs, etc.), and closing with Affirmations and Prayers. Th ...Continue Reading

A New CanvasI first learned about CoDA during college after I tried to take my life. Needless to say, I did not stay in CoDA. During college, Dad had died, I was hundreds of miles away from home and my entire life I felt alone, full of fear, and hopeless. I dropped out of college after the attempt, needing only 6 credit hours to complete my bachelor’s degree. At that point I realized I needed help from all the past trauma I had experienced growing up in a dysfunctional family of alcoholic parents. I covered my trauma wi ...Continue Reading

AcceptanceSelf-esteem. It’s interesting to think about what that word means. How do I esteem myself? What do I think of who I am?For most of my life I let others make that decision for me. I was a people pleaser. I let what others thought of me define who I was. In recovery, I’m learning who I am. I am growing. I am more self-aware in knowing my strengths and my weaknesses.Because I am learning who God—my higher power—is and how I am loved just as I am. I can admit when I make a mistake, realizing I, myself, am not a mi ...Continue Reading

A Grateful CodependentAgain Dad, again you let me down and again it still hurts like when I was younger......I'm not young anymore I'm a full-grown adult and again it still hurts.Now I can get up and not attend your arguments.....I can feel your insanity and know it's time to leave the room - I can take my inner child by her hand look at her lovingly and say "we're not staying here" and I take her to safety, bringing her where we can garden and listen to beautiful meditation music sitting in the sun with our d ...Continue Reading

I wrote this recently. CoDA and other programs have been such a great support to me. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on me and that's what matters most."Sometimes the Worry Monster Wins"It's been years of taming this thing, this visceral, scared, thing. Years of trying to give it a name, of trying to put it into words, of crying through it in the dark, dirty nights. For so long, nothing helped. For so long, I let it take my hand, pull me, to the ground, to the left, to the back. But slowly, through friends wh ...Continue Reading

Step 8 – ForgivenessMade a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. When I first thought about this step, I had only four people on my list: my husband and my three children. And as I was thinking about the ways I had hurt them, I realized I was still stuck on how they had hurt me! And how is my list only four people? I have been codependent for a long time—and not just with my family.So, I started with a list of the people that had hurt me. At the top of the list was my husband ...Continue Reading

I started going to CoDA meetings nearly a year ago. Prompted by my therapist who suggested I'd be well-served by a 'community' who was suffering in similar ways, I went to an in-person Wednesday evening group to see if it was the medicine I'd been seeking. Slowly then suddenly, hearing people talk about boundaries - their struggle to maintain them and yet their subsequent joy that came from learning why they struggled in the first place - gave me so much peace. It made me feel less broken. It made me feel worthwhile... ...Continue Reading

An Anatomy of My CoDA SlipLast year I was doing our annual taxes and getting pretty obsessed. I was hoping my wife would edit the tax document to make sure I hadn’t made any errors, especially because she had expressed interest in helping out more with our finances. After dinner, I asked her to sit down on my computer to take a look. She said something like, “Sure, I’ll do it later.” I saw no reason why she couldn’t have done it immediately. Waiting for her, my impatience, hurt, and resentment grew. I tried to let it go ...Continue Reading

Codependency  ‘I’ll mold myself into whatever you need me to be’I told myself, drunk with CODEPENDENCY,I’ll twist myself to meet your need,I’ll remake myself to appease your greed,“Whatever you need Me to be,”I say, as I people please,Yet the cruel reality is that youCannot see the real me,Codependency has hijacked my reality,It’s a pity, you see,Because who I am without thee,Is quite honest and quite free,If I just got rid of this damn codependency!”  When I healed my codependency,I remembered this story ...Continue Reading

Unraveling Coping Mechanisms From ChildhoodI take this opportunity not to regurgitate debilitating pain, but to gently arrive at a new understanding of the effects of pain from my childhood, that I realised I still carried with me as an adult.To work through the layers, it is hugely important that I admit that my childhood experiences negatively impacted how I have perceived myself as an adult. My aim for this experience was to overcome the trauma that had dogged me throughout my adulthood as an effect of the pain I end ...Continue Reading

Growth Through Healing My Inner ChildI feel that I’m super strong but I’m extremely emotionally tender.Often, I have found myself being the only one in a setting that was upset over something. I never could understand how or why it didn’t upset the others too. For years it would happen again and again. Same thing, only it got much worse the older I got because it needed tending to and I was too busy trying to fit in with everyone else and ignoring my entire being crying out for help.I began to notice the expressions on ...Continue Reading

This poem was inspired by my Step 3 and Step 11 recovery work.  That stated, it is intended to show that despite my progress in recovery, surrendering to my HP as well as meditation is still a "process" and often that process involves internal struggle. Now Exhale InhaleI am humbled by inner hurricaneswhile clutching this red rosetightthen white, yellow, pink rosesparade throughas mirrored haras* opennow clutching tightermy red petals bleedthen drip downpast thorny green veined stemlittering the ...Continue Reading

Being Willing to Hand My Will OverHi CoDA,I was a sexually abused and traumatized person and have had complex issues and have been traumatized by the whole experience. As a result, I became lost, isolated, and lost my identity and became codependent on other people. I then became unwell and got a diagnosis of autoimmune disease. I was physically disabled and had to have help daily with my personal care, while having multiple operations and treatment. In the process, I had all my joints replaced and some of my organs rem ...Continue Reading

mother’s garden where does the linebegin?—I am ending ithereI amending ithereI am so afraidbut I amending it hereI’m lostin whatI was given but it ends—here—deep in my wombmemories ofwoundspassed downfrom motherto motherto motherto meI carry the weightof the womenwho carried the weightof me—and I am so, so heavy. the line is drawn—h—e—r—e—no more daughtersto carry the shameno more sonsspreading the blameno more hatred no more griefno more begging“stay, please—“I end ithereI end itnowI lit the matchI’m burning it do ...Continue Reading

The Way Out Is ThroughI can’t tell you how many times I have said the words “The way out is through.” I have said them, thought them, and more importantly lived them. I thought about them again recently when I heard someone talk about grief. I have learned that talking about my grief helps me to heal. Keeping the grief inside is too much to handle alone.Their words took me back to my own black hole with loneliness. Loneliness goes to the core of my being. CoDA has helped me begin to shed some light on the darkness and t ...Continue Reading

She Made a Whole New LifeShe survived the big fight and was ready to live.She took a big leap and crossed the final bridge.She felt the air in between the ramp and the plane.She lifted her foot and thought, "this is it".She sat down and they asked her one thing."Are you headed home?"She looked out at the wing.She replied, "...yeah, I guess I am".She found peace that day despite the unknown.Just one suitcase and her foundation from back home.She arrived so tired and now full of grief.What wa ...Continue Reading

Turning Humans Into Loving PeopleBefore I came to CoDA, I was in the habit of calling people "humans." I tended to use this term only half-jokingly as an accurate description of alienation, abuse, and abandonment I sometimes felt in my interactions with my fellow sufferers. I had been in CoDA for only six months, and I was starting to feel some hope that it would be possible for me to experience more healthy and loving relationships. But due to my pretty extreme avoidance patterns and a curmudgeonly nature (am ...Continue Reading

What Took Me So LongAlthough I always had everything a child could want and need, I never felt loved by my parents. I always felt as though I was in the way. Wanting love so desperately, I married at 18 and remained committed to the marriage well past its expiration date. Decades of incompatibility had made us a toxic couple. Of course, I didn’t understand these feelings at the time. It’s only recently become clear to me.Around October 2019, I had an awakening. I was sitting quietly alone late one night when a subtle wa ...Continue Reading

I Honour Me Dear Me,The same Me who failed MeWho derailed against better intentionsWho failed to mention boundariesConfounded by the sound of consciousnessBewildered and distrusting of My own gutShamed by the lust of whatever rush was in front of MeTeenaged and hungry……I honour TheeFor every hard moment after waking up, You’re there for meInstead of judging, You care for MeMake space so I can lay bare My fear of scarcityAnd without question, You cherish MeWhatever unfairness comes to be, I feel held by your unendin ...Continue Reading

Happy, Joyous, and FreeGetting help with codependency has been a journey. I relapsed with 16.5 years of sobriety and 15 years in Al-Anon, and mentioned to my therapist that I thought I needed codependency treatment. She didn't agree, and so we kept on the path we were on. I did recover from that relapse and I'm grateful. Felt really good for many years, and then 2 years ago, with nearly 8 years of sobriety again, I felt like I wanted to die, or that my husband had to die. It seemed like the only way out of the pain I wa ...Continue Reading

My Primary PurposeI felt called by my HP today to share. It’s been heavy on my mind. I was thinking about this last night. I have been thinking about my primary purpose the last several days as well. I can say that before coming into CoDA, I did not know what I wanted to pursue in life aside from a relationship and marriage. It’s been a hard one because of the individual I was engaged to. Looking back in hindsight, I have realized a few things out of the chaos and tragedies that have occurred...I believe my HP gave me m ...Continue Reading