Per the 2010 Service Conference our Patterns Of Codependency have been officially revised Please see & feel free to use the new version below
Also for your information, the following 4 documents are required to be read at every meeting as written: 1 The 12 Steps 2 The 12 Traditions 3 The CoDA Welcome (Long or Short version) The 2009 CSC approved short version is here http://www coda org/tools4recovery/welcome-short php 4 The CoDA Preamble
Other recommended readings for meetings include the following, but they are NOT required: 1 A Crosstalk Statement 2 The 12 Promises 3 The Patterns Of Codependency
You can read or download these documents & more here: http://www coda org/tools4recovery/
The new version of the Patterns isn't posted yet, but will be soon
Here is the revised version of the Patterns:
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation They may be particularly helpful to newcomers
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others I label others with my negative traits I can take care of myself without any help from others I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires I perceive myself as superior to others I look to others to provide my sense of safety I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects I have trouble setting healthy priorities
Compliance Patterns:
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others I accept sexual attention when I want love I make decisions without regard to the consequences I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change
Control Patterns:
I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others
I demand that my needs be met by others
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want
Avoidance Patterns:
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness
I withhold expressions of appreciation
The Patterns and characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc and its licensors - All Rights reserved
If you have any questions about this revised version of the patterns, please email the CoDA Literature committee: literature@coda org
If you have a general question about CoDA (as opposed to the specific content of this email), please email outreach@coda org
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